[identity profile] qingri.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] writers_loft
  ...And any ideas for improvement?
I came up with this ages ago, tried to write it and got shot down. However, i have been dying to write about them :/

Anna joined the House of Gaia after being turned by Henri and being rescued by Gemma, Milo and Julian. Anna is told by Henri (He thinks she is going to die) about his plan and repeats most of it to Julian because Emelin is involved. Julian sends Milo and Gemma ahead to Nottingham while he and Anna go after Emelin. Henri, desperate to have more power is completely ready to try and kill Julian and to kill Anna. Henri is planning to go back in time and kill Julian and Emelin at their most vulnerable, without each other.

(Julian fell in love with Emelin and planned to propose to her in 1849, but he didn’t realise she was leaving. Instead, he slipped her the ring, hoping she would find it in her bag and come back, but she didn’t. She couldn’t find any routes back. When she finally did, 30 years later, Julian had left, believing she didn’t love him back. For 120 years, Emelin stayed in the UK, in case he came back.)
Even I'm not sure if i like this bit.

Henri, wanting to kill Emelin because she left him and because of a personal dispute with Julian, Henri arrives at a party in Nottingham. Julian distracts Henri and Henri switches powers at the last minute, sending them back in time. In that era, Henri sends his daughter, his best assassin after them. Another time traveller helps the couple, jumping them through time so they can get away, until she is killed by the assassin and Julian kills the assassin. Henri then comes after them personally. He has a gun and ends up holding it to Emelin’s head.

Any questions just ask, please don't flame for me not having explained it fully. (something i have had several times before)

Date: 2011-07-10 01:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xtricks.livejournal.com
Um? Who are these characters and why should we care? A kind of confusing plot synopsis isn't going to help your readers much at all and you have people jumping in and out (who are the 'other time travellers' and why do they help?). Drop the extraneous other time traveller (who you don't even bother to name, suggesting they're pretty disposable to you), and possibly the whole loved your for years/misunderstanding thing as it's so common now that most people can spot it mile away and it's about as interesting as a mile post marker due to that overuse.

I'd suggest you a: simplify this synopsis so it is complete (as in the major plot line and significant characters are all introduced) in just two paragraphs, that will force you to prune back this thicket of cliches.

Date: 2011-07-10 02:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kassidy62.livejournal.com
The fact that a lot of others have written it before you doesn't make it boring - only the writer can do that. I do find it confusing - it's a bit disjointed. Redoing with a linear approach (as much as possible) and direct language (e.g. "Henri tells Anna" rather than "Anna is told by Henri") might help clear things up so that folks can offer helpful advice.

Date: 2011-07-11 02:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lenaf007.livejournal.com
This sounds like it has the beginnings of political intrigue about it, but I found the first few lines so confusing that I couldn't follow. Cut down to your true plot, an actual outline would help you immensely with this. Figure out your major characters like [livejournal.com profile] xtricks suggested, and get to the heart of the story. It would help you organize it mentally and make it more cohesive when explaining it to others.

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