It has been a long time since I have done a Concrit, and I confess it will be a little shorter. There are some changes I would like to see in your story right off the bat. Anyone else is probably going to ask you for the same sorts of things. First of all, if this is dialogue, skip the italics and go for actual quotation marks. It is extremely distracting and difficult to discern who is speaking or thinking the way you have it now. Even if the communication is by telepathy in your story. You need to enclose the speech or thoughts in either a ' or ". If you want to italicize it since you are dealing with thoughts, that is fine, but give the reader a little clearer guideline.

Some of your sentences are just a little bit cumbersome. For example:

I giggled and then groaned as triggered by Kestrel’s words the memory of what I had seen in the medical intern’s mind floated to the surface of my thoughts.

Just relax and walk around an awkward sentence to see how you can make it flow a little easier.


How about:

I let out a giggle that quickly evaporated into a groan. What I had seen reflected within the intern's thoughts were sobering and Kestrel's reminder brought it all to clearly back for me.



You're doing pretty well with making your dialogue believable. I could actually almost hear people speaking like this. Maybe showing more mannerisms in your characters versus just letting it come out in the dialogue.