http://thorarosebird.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] thorarosebird.livejournal.com) wrote in [community profile] writers_loft 2009-08-27 03:26 pm (UTC)

Firstly, hello! I really enjoyed reading this, and you're really good at getting across an atmosphere. I have to agree with the above comment about the dialogue, though. It read fine, but you do need to put them in quotations because I had some trouble decided who was talking etc etc.

Nitpicks:

"I could survive on less, even none, if I had too" <-- "to"

"little more, some, for instance Rain, needed even less" <-- "Some" could be the start of a new sentence.

"more sleep anytime soon, on one particular mission I’d had to" <-- should have a full stop after "soon"

"So I closed my eyes and quieted my racing thoughts and slowed my breathing into that curiously rhythmic pattern that carries you from awake to not awake and at some point drifted off." <-- there's too many "ands" here. Separate with commas or new sentences, because this long one makes the end a bit blunt.

Also, the rundown of everyone's weapons and powers was a bit boring. Interesting to hear what they could do, but you can incorporate all that info into your action just as easily, and it won't slow your narrative to a halt.

Anyway, it was a pleasure to read and I shall be checking out the rest of this very soon. :)

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