To be really honest...there's a lot you need to work on.
I'm at work at the moment and don't have time to go through the whole piece, but the same problems persist so hopefully some input on the first few paragraphs will help you see where you need to do some editing.
It was dark the day that the wizard came to the house. The small house Tristan had lived in all his eighteen years was dark. In any other case he'd have been sleeping but tonight he wasn't.
There's too much repetition here in emphasizing that it's dark out. But, oddly, you don't gain much clarity for it. The fact that you say it was "dark the day" the wizard came makes me think that it's daytime and there's just a lot of cloud cover or something. But in the third sentence it becomes clear that it's actually night time. In which case, you don't need to say that it's dark. That's the primary characteristic of night.
If you're trying to explain that it's unusually dark out on this particular night, say exactly that. Don't be afraid to come out and write *exactly* what you mean. Be direct and clear.
The lightning crashed once more and he glanced outside anxiously. The shadowy figure was striding towards the small house they lived in and he knew what was happening.
You're saying the lightning crashed "once more" but this is the first bolt of lightning the reader sees. You could simplify it down to, "Lightning crashed, and he glanced outside."
You have a bad habit of explaining things that don't need to be explained. The dark night, for instance, and in this bit the phrase "striding toward the small house they lived in." Houses are for living in. That goes without saying. Just say the man is striding toward "Tristan's house."
“Have they come for you yet?”
“Of course not.” Tristan said urgently, “Don't worry May it'll be fine...”
Look up the rules for punctuating dialogue and basic comma usage. This second line here should be: "Of course not," Tristan said. "Don't worry, May, it'll be fine."
Also: Attempt to cut out as many adverbs (words ending in -ly) as you can, especially around dialogue. And only use an ellipsis (...) when absolutely necessary.
Tristan couldn't answer that question. As brother and sister they'd not always gotten along. But they were still close and close could be and he couldn’t bear to look his sister in the eye and break her heart.
Avoid colloquialisms and cliches like "as close as close could be." They don't really tell us anything about the unique relationship between these two people because phrases like this are generic. Give your reader something more specific to *show* that they're close. For instance, do they share a bedroom in their small house?
reaching for the bag he'd hidden in one of the kitchens many cupboards
Possessive: kitchen's. You make a lot of basic grammar mistakes like this.
The reasoning inside him was blowing away the reason of false hope, but the last thing he wanted to do was upset his sister more.
This sentence makes no sense. Reason is blowing away reason? False hope for what?
Keep working at it. Brush up your grammar and keep an eye out for repetition and stating the obvious.
no subject
I'm at work at the moment and don't have time to go through the whole piece, but the same problems persist so hopefully some input on the first few paragraphs will help you see where you need to do some editing.
It was dark the day that the wizard came to the house. The small house Tristan had lived in all his eighteen years was dark. In any other case he'd have been sleeping but tonight he wasn't.
There's too much repetition here in emphasizing that it's dark out. But, oddly, you don't gain much clarity for it. The fact that you say it was "dark the day" the wizard came makes me think that it's daytime and there's just a lot of cloud cover or something. But in the third sentence it becomes clear that it's actually night time. In which case, you don't need to say that it's dark. That's the primary characteristic of night.
If you're trying to explain that it's unusually dark out on this particular night, say exactly that. Don't be afraid to come out and write *exactly* what you mean. Be direct and clear.
The lightning crashed once more and he glanced outside anxiously. The shadowy figure was striding towards the small house they lived in and he knew what was happening.
You're saying the lightning crashed "once more" but this is the first bolt of lightning the reader sees. You could simplify it down to, "Lightning crashed, and he glanced outside."
You have a bad habit of explaining things that don't need to be explained. The dark night, for instance, and in this bit the phrase "striding toward the small house they lived in." Houses are for living in. That goes without saying. Just say the man is striding toward "Tristan's house."
“Have they come for you yet?”
“Of course not.” Tristan said urgently, “Don't worry May it'll be fine...”
Look up the rules for punctuating dialogue and basic comma usage. This second line here should be: "Of course not," Tristan said. "Don't worry, May, it'll be fine."
Also: Attempt to cut out as many adverbs (words ending in -ly) as you can, especially around dialogue. And only use an ellipsis (...) when absolutely necessary.
Tristan couldn't answer that question. As brother and sister they'd not always gotten along. But they were still close and close could be and he couldn’t bear to look his sister in the eye and break her heart.
Avoid colloquialisms and cliches like "as close as close could be." They don't really tell us anything about the unique relationship between these two people because phrases like this are generic. Give your reader something more specific to *show* that they're close. For instance, do they share a bedroom in their small house?
reaching for the bag he'd hidden in one of the kitchens many cupboards
Possessive: kitchen's. You make a lot of basic grammar mistakes like this.
The reasoning inside him was blowing away the reason of false hope, but the last thing he wanted to do was upset his sister more.
This sentence makes no sense. Reason is blowing away reason? False hope for what?
Keep working at it. Brush up your grammar and keep an eye out for repetition and stating the obvious.