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writers_loft2010-02-02 09:15 am
neensz.livejournal.com) wrote in writers_loft2010-02-02 09:15 am
Lonely Fic looking for Constructive Criticism
Our darling Morph from Laundry Hell somehow managed to spawn his own universe.
A/N: I'm desperate for critiques. I keep vacillating between thinking this is one of the best things I've ever written, and thinking it's utter crap. Please heap on the constructive criticism! I'm posting one short, fairly stand alone excerpt. If it catches your interest, the beginning of the Long Time Gone saga is here. Please leave me feedback so I can improve my writing! Thank you.
Summary: In which we catch a glimpse of Liam's infamous blog.
Rating: R for language
Trippy Sci-Fi Ravings
MORPH
I heard Joshua yelp from across the apartment, and the familiar clatter that always came when the door to the hall closet was opened. “What are you doing in my closet?” I yelled the question, not bothering to get up from the couch where I was sprawled with my book.
“Dude…” I heard him gasp in awe.
I groaned.
“You’ve got a fucking shrine in there, man!” he exclaimed, reentering the living room with his arms piled high. I shrugged and went back to my book, hoping he’d drop the subject, if not the skateboards. It didn’t happen. “Oh, no, you don’t get to ignore this. Do you even still know how to use these beauties anymore?”
“It would seem reasonable, wouldn’t it?” I replied half under my breath, rolling my eyes at my book. Despite my minimalist lifestyle, I couldn’t seem to let go of my skateboards. But that didn’t mean that I wanted to break them out and play skater kid whenever someone found them. I started racking my brain for something, anything to get him to drop the subject. “Hey, Mars has a kid.”
Joshua scoffed at me. “Yeah, sure. I think I would have noticed your skinny sister blowing up all preggo.”
“I didn’t say my brother knocked her up. And, please, sister-in-law. I said she has a kid, present tense. Liam said she went to enroll him today” I smirked into my book.
After a lot of back and forth, Joshua still refused to believe me. I ended the argument by logging on to my brother’s blog of paranoid ramblings, and found my proof in the middle of a crazed monologue about cats.
“Duuude…” Joshua breathed. “Your brother is fucking nuts. And he pulls off normal so well.”
“Yeah,” I agreed smugly, “But I’m still right about the kid thing.” The subject of skateboards was definitely dropped. Leaving him rooted in front of my laptop, I quietly left the room and stashed the skateboards away, so the subject of me riding wouldn’t come up again anytime soon. Joshua either knew what I was doing and didn’t care, or was too absorbed in the frightening insight into my brother’s twisted head he was receiving via the blog to notice. Either way worked for me.
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A/N: I'm desperate for critiques. I keep vacillating between thinking this is one of the best things I've ever written, and thinking it's utter crap. Please heap on the constructive criticism! I'm posting one short, fairly stand alone excerpt. If it catches your interest, the beginning of the Long Time Gone saga is here. Please leave me feedback so I can improve my writing! Thank you.
Summary: In which we catch a glimpse of Liam's infamous blog.
Rating: R for language
Trippy Sci-Fi Ravings
MORPH
I heard Joshua yelp from across the apartment, and the familiar clatter that always came when the door to the hall closet was opened. “What are you doing in my closet?” I yelled the question, not bothering to get up from the couch where I was sprawled with my book.
“Dude…” I heard him gasp in awe.
I groaned.
“You’ve got a fucking shrine in there, man!” he exclaimed, reentering the living room with his arms piled high. I shrugged and went back to my book, hoping he’d drop the subject, if not the skateboards. It didn’t happen. “Oh, no, you don’t get to ignore this. Do you even still know how to use these beauties anymore?”
“It would seem reasonable, wouldn’t it?” I replied half under my breath, rolling my eyes at my book. Despite my minimalist lifestyle, I couldn’t seem to let go of my skateboards. But that didn’t mean that I wanted to break them out and play skater kid whenever someone found them. I started racking my brain for something, anything to get him to drop the subject. “Hey, Mars has a kid.”
Joshua scoffed at me. “Yeah, sure. I think I would have noticed your skinny sister blowing up all preggo.”
“I didn’t say my brother knocked her up. And, please, sister-in-law. I said she has a kid, present tense. Liam said she went to enroll him today” I smirked into my book.
After a lot of back and forth, Joshua still refused to believe me. I ended the argument by logging on to my brother’s blog of paranoid ramblings, and found my proof in the middle of a crazed monologue about cats.
I’ve heard many plausible explanations for what cats are really doing, when they stare off into middle-space with that inscrutable look. None of them are true, though some of them make me laugh. They’re not seeing ghosts, or manipulating the energies of the universe, thinking about a tasty mouse (well, sometimes), or solving quantum equations. Cats are mammals. Pets, sometimes. Creatures of playful ferocity. But they are also eyes. The silent, watching presence. Cameras, if you will. The same as we all are. Self repairing, self replicating cameras. Everything we see, sense, is being watched by other eyes, recorded, manipulated. The difference is, cats know. And that absent, inscrutable look? That’s when they’re fighting back.
Today my wife brought home a kid. A street wanderer, a drifter, a runaway. He doesn’t seem to be an agent for the watchers, a repairman, but you never know. Maybe they’ve found out I know. Or maybe he is only what he seems.
Today my wife brought home a kid. A street wanderer, a drifter, a runaway. He doesn’t seem to be an agent for the watchers, a repairman, but you never know. Maybe they’ve found out I know. Or maybe he is only what he seems.
“Duuude…” Joshua breathed. “Your brother is fucking nuts. And he pulls off normal so well.”
“Yeah,” I agreed smugly, “But I’m still right about the kid thing.” The subject of skateboards was definitely dropped. Leaving him rooted in front of my laptop, I quietly left the room and stashed the skateboards away, so the subject of me riding wouldn’t come up again anytime soon. Joshua either knew what I was doing and didn’t care, or was too absorbed in the frightening insight into my brother’s twisted head he was receiving via the blog to notice. Either way worked for me.
Previous | Next
no subject
I still can't quite figure out what this means. The door on the wrong side of his bedroom closet?
“What are you doing in my closet?” I raised my voice to carry across the apartment, not bothering to get up from the couch where I was sprawled with my book.
The "I raised my voice" bit seems like a needlessly complicated way of saying "I yelled."
“You’ve got a fucking shrine in there, man!” he crowed
I'm not sure that crowed is the right word to use here. Crowing is self-important, boastful, etc. And that doesn't seem to fit here.
hoping he’d drop the subject, if not the boards.
I was really puzzled by what "boards" could be (other than him storing away a bunch of plywood) for quite a while.
Liam said she went to enroll him today,” I smirked into my book.
Should be: ...to enroll him today." I smirked into my book.
And one last thing, which is definitely part personal preference on my part. Whenever I see a large swath of italics, I immediately assume that whatever is written there is extraneous...something I can safely skip over or ignore. Because it's almost always a tediously long flashback which will then be re-examined and explained in present narration, or it's something that (like here) I can presume the contents of by the characters' reactions.
With as much fun as you probably had writing the blog entry, I really think it could be a fraction as long and still get across the same point without taking your reader away from the present for quite so long.
no subject
I really couldn't seem to get across what I meant with the door on the wrong side of my bedroom closet bit, regardless of how I worded it (I was imagining a closet that has the two sliding doors, with one side that is never opened for fear of being buried in precariously piled crap), so I just made it the hall closet instead.
And you're totally right, I had way too much fun with the blog entry. Only a small part of it is relevant at all to that part of the story. I can always save the excised parts and use them somewhere else, if needed :)
no subject
Definitely save what you cut out of the blog entry. You never know when it might be useful. Plus, deleting something without actually deleting it makes cutting out fat so much easier.
Glad that I could help out. :)