There's a lot of info-dumping in this, that's what jumped out at me. You list all the characters, their various relatives, their life histories... all that stuff IS relevant and important, but listing it at the beginning is pointless. By the time Soledad appears in the story, we'll have forgotten who she is, and will have to flip back to page one to check. Never a good thing. There's no need for all that stuff.
The piece seems to be written from Luisa's POV, in which case I'd cut the entire first paragraph. It's also an info-dump, and at this stage, we have no reason to care about Alejandro - telling us basics about him and then jumping to another character is jarring. Honestly, by the time I got to the end and went to write this, I'd forgotten that you'd started by talking about him. This scene should start with Luisa getting ready for Mass.
You also have a tendency to tell too much; you don't have to tell us that Luisa thinks she's the most beautiful girl in town. Having her obsess over what dress to wear etc tells us that she's vain and whatnot, and the anecdote with Senor Tejada's youngest son tells us that men share that opinion of her.
I'd cut out a lot of the info and leave:
1. Luisa getting ready for mass and deliberating what dress to wear; this shows us that she's vain, shallow, and widely admired.
2. Luisa's negative reaction when Amada mentions Rafael, but there's no need to go into the intricacies of his birth and life so far. The reader just needs to know that a) he's Luisa's cousin and b) she doesn't like him. You can also put in c) that her father adopted him etc. But you can fill the rest in later.
Luisa's reaction to Alejandro is much better. No long histories or details of his family, but we get the idea that she's excited at the prospect of seeing him again, and intends to make him hers. Make her reaction to Rafael more like that.
no subject
The piece seems to be written from Luisa's POV, in which case I'd cut the entire first paragraph. It's also an info-dump, and at this stage, we have no reason to care about Alejandro - telling us basics about him and then jumping to another character is jarring. Honestly, by the time I got to the end and went to write this, I'd forgotten that you'd started by talking about him. This scene should start with Luisa getting ready for Mass.
You also have a tendency to tell too much; you don't have to tell us that Luisa thinks she's the most beautiful girl in town. Having her obsess over what dress to wear etc tells us that she's vain and whatnot, and the anecdote with Senor Tejada's youngest son tells us that men share that opinion of her.
I'd cut out a lot of the info and leave:
1. Luisa getting ready for mass and deliberating what dress to wear; this shows us that she's vain, shallow, and widely admired.
2. Luisa's negative reaction when Amada mentions Rafael, but there's no need to go into the intricacies of his birth and life so far. The reader just needs to know that a) he's Luisa's cousin and b) she doesn't like him. You can also put in c) that her father adopted him etc. But you can fill the rest in later.
Luisa's reaction to Alejandro is much better. No long histories or details of his family, but we get the idea that she's excited at the prospect of seeing him again, and intends to make him hers. Make her reaction to Rafael more like that.
I hope that helps some.