Another new member

[caitlinmporter.livejournal.com]

Hello there!

Well, I'm new- to lj and to this community, too.

First a few words about myself: My name is Caitlin, I'm 21 years old and from Germany. I'm attending university, studying German and History. Writing was always a one of my greatest hobbies and plearsures, mostly shortstorys or longer storys. At the moment I'm working at a youth-fantasy story called "Peace and Ire".

I joined this community in the hope of learning more- about writing skills and other things, cause one of my goals is to publish Peace and Ire one day (but do we not all hope to publish sth one day???). But I think this will take some time- first finishing the story before thinking of publishing.

I'd love to give you some parts of my story, but unfortunatley I'm writing in German, because this is the language I'm fully able to use- my English isn't free of mistakes.

I translated a short part of Peace and Ire. Ira, my main character, is threatened by a soldier when one of her later friends and follower appeares and helps her out. Plase ignore my mistakes in grammar and writing, like I said, my english writing style is baaaaad...
 

Out oft he corners of my eyes, I could see a movement.
The soldier caught up again, he was coming near me. He was up to his full height, seeming like a giant. His hands looked like the paws of a bear, his face was like the face of a wild animal, his smell was the one of a skunk. I was wimpering because of fear. Trembling. Sobbing without tears,
Every second he approached me further, with every step I could see my near future more clearly in front of me.
Then he was standing right in front of me. He stretched out his hand and tried to touch my face.

A sound appeared. It was a loud, deep, harsh and dangerous growl.

My eyes opened wide, the same time the soldiers body froze. Only his head moved. Hesitating, I followed his glance, while all my senses were screaming out  loud. Three meters away, an animal was standing. It was the most beautiful and dangerous creature, I’d ever seen.

It was crouched down and even in this state it appeared very very big. His paws had to be as tall as my palms. On every part of its body you could see the muscles. Its teeth were white, sparkling dangerously and sharp. The thought of this tools working through human flesh passed my mind, I jolted.

The eyes of this animal were amazing: One was in a deep grey, the other glowed silver like melted iron. But the most amazing was the fur: It was as silver as the eyes, sparkling like thousands of diamonds.
In front of me was a silver wolf. One of the most precious animals on earth.

 

So, this is a short extract out of the end of the first chapter. I like the way some parts are in English- but my vocabulary isn't big enough to use many synonyms. Feel free to comment.

 

Greetings from Germany, Cait
 

Comments

[nontu.livejournal.com]

Taking your English as Second Language status into account, I think it reads quite well. This part I'd edit, though:

"his hands looked like the paws of a bear, his face was like the face of a wild animal, his smell was the one of a skunk"

This combined with the appearance of an actual wolf later on just doesn't read well. I think you should simplify it. Something like "his hands looked huge, his face was wild and a vile stench surrounded him" or the like, removing the 'like this type of animal' bits. Otherwise the mental image in the reader's head is like an actual bear-skunk soldier. Be careful with similes and metaphores. It's usually better to stick with just the facts, ma'am.

[fallenlives.livejournal.com]

I have the same name except spelled different (: (Kaitlin)
I do have a friend with the same spelling as you too. It gets a little confusing if you can imagine.

I like your story so far. It seems interesting. However, I have to agree with nontu. You use too many similes. In other words too many comparisons depending on LIKE or AS. Similes are great and an useful way to describe something, but try not to overuse them.

I wish you the best of luck on your English. For it being a second language this is quite good. English is really annoying to learn to. It's my first language and I'm still trying to comprehend it all.

[caitlinmporter.livejournal.com]

Thank you nontu and fallenlives for your advice!

@fallenlives: English is actually quite funny to learn. I have more problems with m two other foreign languages (French and Italian) and Latin, which I have to take at Uni, is giving me a constant headache...I love to read in English :)