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writers_loft2010-07-16 01:01 am
lildemisa.livejournal.com) wrote in writers_loft2010-07-16 01:01 am
the posting issue if just with opera
I started my new job today!! I LOVE IT! All I do is sit in a warehouse and prep papers for a scanner. It’s the easiest job I ever had lol
Anyways…I this something i9 did the other day. I wanted to try and put to use the few lessons I learned so far…let me know I dones lol <3
“There is no happy ending for us.” these words left her lips silently as she took in his sleeping form. Smooth, unrelenting humming emulating from the air conditioner filled the otherwise silent room. She cursed the rain. If the clouds hadn’t chosen to cry that morning surely the birds would be singing, giving the somber scene a peaceful tone. This wicked rain suffocated the sun keeping the room in shadows.
A mournful smile crossed her lips as she imaged him looking on to the sight. He was unable to appreciate the meaning of such moments. Long ago his heart decided using energy in this way was frivolous. Should he wake up to see her looking on to him with such regret he would retaliate by vomiting the words he dared to call wisdom.
Muscle memory leads her hand to his face. His velvet skin had been polluted by wiry stubble collected the day before. Longer then shoulder length hair messily pillowed his head. When they first met she had named its color deer. Sepia and gold melted together occasionally being interrupted by color of dieing embers. His skin itself tried to be tan but due working indoors it failed. The pigment left by Italian ancestry gave him an unclean look. As he adjusted his weight the scent of over worked and over tired drifted toward her. It filled her mind with memories of being engulfed in him.
Awkwardly, she positioned herself as close to him as possible. Letting her lips rest inches from his ear. She whispered to him. “You loved me once.” the words gave her no emotional response. “In your arms, you promised I’d be your wife.” A sudden intense slam of a car door sent a tremor though his body.
Eyes made of iridescent earth peered up at her. He created a silent greeting with his lips meeting hers in a wordless lie. She masked the tears which begged to be seen with a yawn. For an overly long moment his hands took advantage of his ownership. Forced giggles rang true in his ears as moist lips pressed into her neck.
To endure his pressing need she indulged her favorite fantasy. He would never leave. He did love her. This was real. Pleasant lies kept the bothersome motion from making her ill. She continuously repeated her mantra until all reason in her died. Second by second the lies became truth. Perhaps his denials of these rumors were not due to cruelty but honest love.
“Couldn’t sleep?” he began the pointless chitchat that filled the hours of everyday life. Not yet ready to speak she shrugged. An honest smile formed on his face. His strong but not so large arm laid out waiting for her to fill the space between it and his body. In reply she let her head fall into the indent made by his arm, chest and neck joining.
“This will not end happily.” her mind cruelty reminded although the facts hardly mattered now. Once more her fantasy world had been built up.
Anyways…I this something i9 did the other day. I wanted to try and put to use the few lessons I learned so far…let me know I dones lol <3
“There is no happy ending for us.” these words left her lips silently as she took in his sleeping form. Smooth, unrelenting humming emulating from the air conditioner filled the otherwise silent room. She cursed the rain. If the clouds hadn’t chosen to cry that morning surely the birds would be singing, giving the somber scene a peaceful tone. This wicked rain suffocated the sun keeping the room in shadows.
A mournful smile crossed her lips as she imaged him looking on to the sight. He was unable to appreciate the meaning of such moments. Long ago his heart decided using energy in this way was frivolous. Should he wake up to see her looking on to him with such regret he would retaliate by vomiting the words he dared to call wisdom.
Muscle memory leads her hand to his face. His velvet skin had been polluted by wiry stubble collected the day before. Longer then shoulder length hair messily pillowed his head. When they first met she had named its color deer. Sepia and gold melted together occasionally being interrupted by color of dieing embers. His skin itself tried to be tan but due working indoors it failed. The pigment left by Italian ancestry gave him an unclean look. As he adjusted his weight the scent of over worked and over tired drifted toward her. It filled her mind with memories of being engulfed in him.
Awkwardly, she positioned herself as close to him as possible. Letting her lips rest inches from his ear. She whispered to him. “You loved me once.” the words gave her no emotional response. “In your arms, you promised I’d be your wife.” A sudden intense slam of a car door sent a tremor though his body.
Eyes made of iridescent earth peered up at her. He created a silent greeting with his lips meeting hers in a wordless lie. She masked the tears which begged to be seen with a yawn. For an overly long moment his hands took advantage of his ownership. Forced giggles rang true in his ears as moist lips pressed into her neck.
To endure his pressing need she indulged her favorite fantasy. He would never leave. He did love her. This was real. Pleasant lies kept the bothersome motion from making her ill. She continuously repeated her mantra until all reason in her died. Second by second the lies became truth. Perhaps his denials of these rumors were not due to cruelty but honest love.
“Couldn’t sleep?” he began the pointless chitchat that filled the hours of everyday life. Not yet ready to speak she shrugged. An honest smile formed on his face. His strong but not so large arm laid out waiting for her to fill the space between it and his body. In reply she let her head fall into the indent made by his arm, chest and neck joining.
“This will not end happily.” her mind cruelty reminded although the facts hardly mattered now. Once more her fantasy world had been built up.
editing this bc i had more to say
Lots of words ending in -ing all in succession.. it's distracting to me personally.
Maybe try "A smooth, unrelenting hum emulated..."
Also, in the 3rd paragraph, there are some changes in what tense you use. You might clean that up a bit.
The prose was a little purple, but that doesn't bother me that much, honestly. Otherwise, this was nice.
Re: editing this bc i had more to say
i have HUGE issues with tense..s? lol how ever you put that. something i REALLY need to work on...i must have slept though that class lol.
Re: editing this bc i had more to say
I'm glad you think my suggestion on that phrase made it sound better. Glad to help.
It's "tenses" ;)
Re: editing this bc i had more to say
makes me feel better i'm not the only one who gets annoyed by this style lol. i'm not crazy about.
ANYWAYS lol thankies
Re: editing this bc i had more to say
I'd rather be able to pull off the purple stuff (and use it only in moderation or in a classy way), rather than what I'm currently capable of, which is sloppy, rant-y garbage that stumbles like a drunkard which means it never makes sense, never mind being purple.
So i guess what I'm saying is I wonder if you would be willing to talk with me on AIM or something real-time like that and help me work on descriptions and so forth.