OK, here we go again.

[astara-may.livejournal.com]

This is a rework of a short story that I have decided to use in a novel that I have started, but I want to get things as close to perfect before I continue on with the story. I have been told a few times that it is best to write the entire story and then go back over it, but being the perfectionist that I am, I just have to get it right before I carry on.

So, I could use some feedback, thanks


Chapter 1


She could hear the storm outside the small dank smelling cabin, blowing the crystallize snow against the small window and rattling the old door. The cabin was warm inside because of the wood burning stove just inches away from her. Normally she loved the smell of wood burning. She lay there on the floor, with her eyes shut, wishing that she had something to lay on, as it was she could feel the chill through the floor boards. As she heard Jack behind her, she shivered again. At least she had a quilt to throw over her. She couldn’t imagine how much colder it would be without it. She lay there saying a silent prayer. Please God help me leave this nasty, dirty, and stinky cabin.
Jack was moving again. She could hear him crossing the cabin. She knew that it only took four steps for him to get from his cot until he would get to where she was. She closed her eyes tight and started to count, one…two…three…four. She didn’t want him to think that she was awake, hoping that he would just go back over to his side. Then she felt him move the quilt. Terror struck her. She dared not move or even breathe.
As she laid there all stiff he reached out to grab her. In one swift movement he had her up into his arms. Instinctively she wanted to scream and start to kick at him, but she didn’t. She knew that the punishment was far worse when she struggled.
He grabbed a chunk of her hair and brought her head around so that he could drill into her eyes with his own. “Be still or I will break your neck girl, “he growled in her face. Eyes wide with fear, she did her best to choke back her cries.
*****
She hears herself screaming and jolts to a sitting position. She looks around the room in a panic. It is her room, it is not….that place. She shakes her head of unruly chestnut hair and starts the ritual of softly patting her face, all the while trying to get her breathing under control. This technique was taught to her by the only person in existence that she could call a friend, and it has served her well over the last twenty years or so.
She sits there thinking back on all of the numerous times she had woken up from the same nightmare, the nightmare that has haunted her practically her whole life. Would she ever be able to move past these ridiculous nightmares? “Yes,” she says it aloud to make it more so. “I can do whatever I put my mind to!” She made it a flat statement, with her head held high, and her naturally curly hair going in every direction.
“Of course you can!” She answers herself matter a factually as she bounces out of bed and lands on both feet. “You are a…, “she gets stopped short by the ringing of her cell phone.
She follows the ringing and ends up finding her phone in the bathroom on the floor next to an empty bottle of wine and her favorite wine crystal. The scent of the jasmine bath salts still lingering in the air feels her with the intended peace that accompanies the strong aroma.
“Hi Sharron, “she says into the phone.
“Ok, how do you do that? You always seem to know when it is me, “her friend sounding shocked.
“Of course it is you, you are the only person that calls me, “Sarah says in a dry tone.
Sharron knew that Sarah was probably telling the truth. Ever since they met Sharron had been trying to set her up with one person or another. Once she even tried to set her up with a woman, thinking that maybe she just didn’t like men. But, it turned out that Sarah really didn’t like people in general.
“Ok, you got me there, but I will never give up hope. You deserve some happiness too, “Sharron sputtered, and then decided to get to the point. “How is the book coming?”
“I was going to call you this morning to let you know that I got the book done last night, but you beat me to it,”Sarah retorted.
“You didn’t call last night? Shame on you, “Sharron couldn’t help but pout. She wanted to know the very second that the book was done, that way she could finally get to read it. Sarah had always made it clear that she didn’t want anyone looking at her work until it she was done and completely satisfied.
“I was exhausted. I needed my bed, so you were going to just have to wait until this morning. And, here it is.” Sarah could hear the distain in her own voice.
“Ok, its ok, I understand” Sharron said in her most sympathetic voice.
“I am sorry. I really didn’t mean it to sound that way. I didn’t sleep very well, but that is no excuse for attitude. I really am sorry.” Sarah hated when her emotions got the better of her. She learned a long time ago that emotions were nothing to mess around with. People got hurt. Sarah closed her eyes and focused on her center, feeling the emotions of love and gratitude, pulling them to the surface so she could once again be at peace.
“No problem. Sorry that you had a shitty night. We are still on for tonight, right?”
Sarah could sense the hope in Sharron’s voice. “Yes, a promise is a promise, but remember you also promised there would be no one, male or female, waiting for us when we get there,” Sarah stated it as though there stood a threat behind it.
“I know, I know, “Sharron spoke with impatience. “So, why don’t you send me the manuscript, that way I can have it read through at least once before we meet up tonight.”
“I’ll get right on that, once I use the little girls’ room, “Sarah paused, and then smiled. She loved it when she rendered her friend speechless, even if it was only for a second or two.
Sharron chuckled. “Ok, so my driver will be there to pick you up around five pm.” Sharron always sent a driver for Sarah, that way she could make sure that she showed up.
“I thought it was five am, “Sarah teased.
“Ok smartass, I will look for the book and you look for my man around five tonight, “Sharron couldn’t hold back from chuckling. All in all, she loved Sarah, even when she was being a smartass, which just happens to be most of the time.
“Alright, I will see you tonight then Sharron.” Only God really knows how much she really doesn’t want to go. She hated going out in public, too many people.
“Oh, and Sarah, please don’t wear that stupid sweatshirt of yours. Wear something nice for a change, please for me, “Sharron’s hope was shinning again.
“Hay, don’t hate the sweatshirt.” Now it was Sarah’s turn to pout.
“I don’t hate your shirt. Why don’t you wear that blouse and slack outfit that I got for you for Christmas, “Sharron pleaded? “C’mon, have you even worn the thing?”
“Ok, fine, but you owe me big time. You know how I dislike being around people, let alone having to look all frilly. It just isn’t me. But, because you have pleaded the hell out of me, I will wear something nice.”
“Perfect! I will see you tonight then, “Sharron’s glee shinned brighter than her hope.
“See ya, “Sarah said while she heard the line disconnect. She closed the flap on her cell and looking around thanked heaven that she was in the bathroom already. She hated the thought of going to the bathroom while talking to someone on the phone. What if they heard, that would be so embarrassing.
She finished her business in the bathroom and went straight to her computer and emailed her manuscript, the same manuscript that has taken three long months to write, off to Sharron, then off to the kitchen to get something to eat. She found that if she ate at regular intervals she could control her emotions better, and since she would be around a lot of people tonight she thought it best to start getting herself ready.
Sarah looked around her little apartment and found comfort in it. She had spent many hours studying the art of Feng Shui in order to keep her balanced in every way possible. Energies were able to flow in, around, and out as easily as possible, without disturbing her balance, just being in her space made her more at ease. She had purposefully put those sheer curtains on the window facing southward in order to filter the light from the outside. She always loved the way the light would make everything look soft and mystical, all of that mixed with the scent of her herbs that she grew in front of the window. She really did love just being at home.
If only Sharron knew how hard it is to be around other people, especially in large amounts. It takes an enormous amount of self control to not be bombarded by everyone’s emotional energies around her, or to control her own emotional energies that she herself could give off. At least that is the way that Sarah thought of it, everyone else seems to just go around without a bother in the world, and these same people would for sure think her some kind of freak for sure. After all, Sarah had to admit that she was not normal by any means.
She turned to the end cupboard and retrieved her favorite cereal – Granola, then proceeded to the cupboard above the sink and grabbed a bowl, turned to the island overlooking her living room and opened the silverware drawer to grab a spoon. She finished throwing her breakfast together with a splash of milk. Quick and easy she always told herself. She found it hard to cook for just her, so she ate the quickest and easiest meals she could come up with. It consisted mostly of fresh raw veggies, fruits, and nuts. She called herself a vegetarian, even though every time she went out, which wasn’t all that often, maybe two or three times a year, she would order some kind of finely cooked meat.
Her thoughts trailed off to where they would be going tonight. She had never been to a festival, and Sharron was bound and determined to force her to go to one. She had always read in the paper about this and that festival, but tonight she and Sharron would be going to the North Beach Arts Festival. Every year she read about it, but tonight she would be experiencing it. The thought both terrified her and excited her. She almost felt like a kid, a normal kid, at least what she thought a normal kid would feel like.
She hurried and ate, then went straight to work on the house. She always was one to keep everything all neat and tidy. Clean house, clean mind, she reminded herself.
Once done with her housework, she realized that she still had three hours until Sharron’s driver would be showing up. Her book is done, and you would think that she would be sick of writing after three solid months of work, but she decided to sit down at her comfortable desk and write in her journal. She had long kept a journal to remind herself that she was alive and still kicking. It was a way to get her feelings out on paper, rather than project them onto innocent bystanders.
She now thought of the first time that she had written in her journal. It was the day she started her menstruation, exactly two days before her thirteenth birthday. Sarah recalled the talk that she had with her mother. She remembered every word. My dearest Sarah, please don’t cry. You are so much stronger than you think, Sarah. Now that you have started your journey of womanhood I must tell you a secret that has been passed down from mother to daughter many times over. Are you ready Sarah to find out who you really are?
Sarah shakes her head up and down to answer. Yes Mother, I am ready.
Good Girl, now you must never repeat this to another living soul except when you pass it down to your daughter. This is the first time that I have spoken this aloud. So, here it goes….The women in our family have the ability to shape others emotions. Do you understand what that means, Sarah?
No Mother, what does it mean?
My sweet girl, it means that you have special powers that only appear once you have reached womanhood, which for you is today. This has happened to every woman in our great bloodline, to one degree or another. What I mean is, some of us have a lot of power and some of us just have a little. I for instance, only have very limited power, but you my dear…I can feel your energy from the other room. You have great and wondrous power inside you Sarah. Can you feel it?
I don’t know Mother, what does it feel like?
Sarah sits there at her desk and recalls the entire conversation that she and her mother had together, bringing with it the sweet emotions that came with that brief moment in time. She was trapped in that moment and did not want to let go. It had been far too long since she had talked with her mother, far too long.

Comments

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

The advice to finish a piece first and then edit is really good advice because working the same section over and over often keeps a person from finishing.

My feedback here would be to watch verb tenses. You shift from past to present and back to past.

Also, check spelling and grammar.

And, make sure that everything pertains to the story. Sometimes, long conversations and details that are just a person's daily routine can be trimmed to make a story flow better.

[somewhatlacking.livejournal.com]

First of all, I would watch your use of adjectives. "Dank" often implies humidity, and if it's snowing outside, I doubt it's very humid. Also, "cryztalized snow" is kind of redundant -- much like saying "wet water" would be.

My suggestion: "She could hear the storm raging outside as she huddled within the dreary, congested cabin. Snowflakes tapped raucously against the window and the voilent winds from the storm shook the cabin door." (Not exactly, of course, but you catch my drift.)

Also, as someone else said, watch for spelling, grammar, and punctuation issues. If you need any help, I am very available to help you! :) I am currently planning on becoming a copy editor (that specializes in fiction) in the future, and editing others' work is great practice for me! But, that's just a thought...

By the way, you do a wonderful job making Jack sound terrifying. Very good!

[astara-may.livejournal.com]

Thank you much for the help. I have already started on ch. 2, so as soon as I get that done I will post it for your help again. It really does help!

And, I would love some help editing, so if you don't mine I am going to send a friend request. Thanks again!

[astara-may.livejournal.com]

Scratch the friend requests....already done! oops! :O)

[somewhatlacking.livejournal.com]

For whatever reason, I did not even see your friend request until just now!

I will add you back. If you have anything you'd like me to edit/look over/provide suggestions for, feel free to message it to me whenever you'd like! :)

[astara-may.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I will keep that in mind.