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writers_loft2009-02-16 05:52 am
dreaming-knight.livejournal.com) wrote in writers_loft2009-02-16 05:52 am
Peer Review help
I had to write a narrtive for my college english class but I could not make it to class the peer review day. I was wondering if anyone could look over this and give me some suggestions. Fanfiction and such were allowed so please ignore the fact that the local is in a game. Thank you so much your your help!
He stood at the gates to the city of Stormwind waiting, leaning against the brick of the fortifications. His sword sheathed and spells bouncing around his head waiting to be unleashed. That was the burden of a spell caster he thought sighing. The constant concentration needed to contain his magic. Sure it would get easier wh..
“Leonheart!” A female voice said forcefully. Without thinking he straightened up, his hand slipping to the hilt of his sword.
“At ease,” She said playfully, smiling at him.
He smiled back feeling kind of silly. “Damnit Vivian. You scared me.”
“You are just too easy sometimes Nathaniel. I can’t help it.” Vivian laughed eyeing him up and down.
“Nice new robes you got there. I like the colors.”
“Oh these?” Nathaniel looked down at the dark green robes with aquamarine markings he had on “The Order gave them to me for passing initiation. I am officially an apprentice now.”
“Congratulations.” Vivian hugged Nathaniel close and for an instant his heart ached
“Thank you.” Nathaniel smiled softly looking away for a moment to hide his eyes.
“You want to go down to the lake? It’s a beautiful day for a walk through the forest.” Nathaniel suggested.
“It could be pouring rain and you would say the same.” Vivian said smiling.
“Hey. I can’t help that I love the forest, besides, they finally took care of all those murlocs.”
“Ugh. That means we’ll have to go through Goldshire though.” Vivian frowned “That place is always full of death knights and you know how they are.”
“Yeah, always fighting. Have a problem? Solve it with a sword” He sighs “I hate people like that.. Some people don’t deserve free will. If they were still under the lich king’s control we wouldn’t have to deal with them.”
“Don’t say that. You know they aren’t all bad.
“Yeah… I know.”
“We can always take the long way.” Her face brightened suddenly “I don’t have to be anywhere today.”
“Ok the long way it is.”
Nathaniel and Vivian followed a path southeast away from the capitol city of Stormwind, it’s massive gates and battlements slowly shrinking on the horizon. They were quiet most of the way, enjoying the walk. The cool breeze washing over them, the rustle of squirrels gathering nuts, the calls of birds flying under the tall trees. It was refreshing being out of the city, away from all the noise and people. After a while they came to a hill overlooking a steam. Following it they came upon the lake, and quickly found their favorite spot, a wide tree right next to the lake. Taking Nathaniel’s hand Vivian sits down and tugs for him to sit.
Looking a bit grim Nathaniel says “Not yet. I’ll look around quick, I hear the Defias have been moving back into the forest.” He takes a quick walk around the lake scanning the trees and listening for anything out of the ordinary, His hand resting on the hilt of his sword. Finding nothing unusual he walks back over to where Vivian is sitting and smiles.
“No one around as far as I can tell.”
“Good now sit down! You worry too much”
Frowning at her for a moment Nathaniel takes a seat next to her, his back against the trunk of the tree.
“So tell me, how’s your studying coming along?” Nathaniel asked.
“Well, I decided to take up leatherworking. I talked to Simon Tanner at the protective hide and he agreed to teach me his trade. I know it will take a lot of time and effort but I believe I can make a good living of it.”
“What of skinning? Is he going to teach you that too?”
“Yes, though that is one thing I think it will take a while to get used to.”
Suddenly there was a rustling in the trees and snapping of branches and before Nathaniel had a chance to stop him a man dashed out from the trees and grabbed Vivian from behind, a dagger to her throat.
“Just walk away boy,” Said the man, his voice muffled by the red bandana coving his nose and mouth “and you may live to see another day.”
Nathaniel, a bit shocked that he couldn’t hear the man’s approach, let his hand come to rest on the hilt of his sword
“Don’t even think about it, you wouldn’t want your friend here to get hurt now would you?”
“Let her go you Defias scum! I swear if you hurt her you will pay for it for the rest of your life”
“Strong words for a little boy.” Laughed the Defias.
Nathaniel took a step closer, hand gripping the hilt of his sword till his knuckles turned white. “Let her go.” Nathaniel growled.
The Defias looked at Vivian “You and me are going to have a little fun,” The man grinned wide, “then I will sell you to the slave traders, and there is nothing this boy can do. I bet he can’t even swing that sword.”
Nathaniel’s eyes flared with an intense anger, He closed his eyes for a moment and drew his sword with a practiced motion. There was a scream and Nathaniel’s eyes flew open, afraid of what he might see. He launched himself at the man but the man was already hunched over in pain, Lesions opened down the length of his arms and legs, His skin starting to peel away. The sound of bones snapping filled the air as the man collapsed to the ground. Nathaniel turned his eyes to Vivian in confusion, Had she caused this? The look on her face told him this was not so. Looking back at the screaming man, Nathaniel was horrified. His bones were now fusing back together, forming a smaller frame. His skin looked as if molding as it rushed to cover the new frame, green scales erupted through the skin locking into place. Finnally the painful transformation was complete and in front of Nathaniel stood a very short imp. It looked up at him it’s eyes full of agony, then it was gone, a blank and zombie like look filled his eyes.
“I am here to serve, Master”
He stood at the gates to the city of Stormwind waiting, leaning against the brick of the fortifications. His sword sheathed and spells bouncing around his head waiting to be unleashed. That was the burden of a spell caster he thought sighing. The constant concentration needed to contain his magic. Sure it would get easier wh..
“Leonheart!” A female voice said forcefully. Without thinking he straightened up, his hand slipping to the hilt of his sword.
“At ease,” She said playfully, smiling at him.
He smiled back feeling kind of silly. “Damnit Vivian. You scared me.”
“You are just too easy sometimes Nathaniel. I can’t help it.” Vivian laughed eyeing him up and down.
“Nice new robes you got there. I like the colors.”
“Oh these?” Nathaniel looked down at the dark green robes with aquamarine markings he had on “The Order gave them to me for passing initiation. I am officially an apprentice now.”
“Congratulations.” Vivian hugged Nathaniel close and for an instant his heart ached
“Thank you.” Nathaniel smiled softly looking away for a moment to hide his eyes.
“You want to go down to the lake? It’s a beautiful day for a walk through the forest.” Nathaniel suggested.
“It could be pouring rain and you would say the same.” Vivian said smiling.
“Hey. I can’t help that I love the forest, besides, they finally took care of all those murlocs.”
“Ugh. That means we’ll have to go through Goldshire though.” Vivian frowned “That place is always full of death knights and you know how they are.”
“Yeah, always fighting. Have a problem? Solve it with a sword” He sighs “I hate people like that.. Some people don’t deserve free will. If they were still under the lich king’s control we wouldn’t have to deal with them.”
“Don’t say that. You know they aren’t all bad.
“Yeah… I know.”
“We can always take the long way.” Her face brightened suddenly “I don’t have to be anywhere today.”
“Ok the long way it is.”
Nathaniel and Vivian followed a path southeast away from the capitol city of Stormwind, it’s massive gates and battlements slowly shrinking on the horizon. They were quiet most of the way, enjoying the walk. The cool breeze washing over them, the rustle of squirrels gathering nuts, the calls of birds flying under the tall trees. It was refreshing being out of the city, away from all the noise and people. After a while they came to a hill overlooking a steam. Following it they came upon the lake, and quickly found their favorite spot, a wide tree right next to the lake. Taking Nathaniel’s hand Vivian sits down and tugs for him to sit.
Looking a bit grim Nathaniel says “Not yet. I’ll look around quick, I hear the Defias have been moving back into the forest.” He takes a quick walk around the lake scanning the trees and listening for anything out of the ordinary, His hand resting on the hilt of his sword. Finding nothing unusual he walks back over to where Vivian is sitting and smiles.
“No one around as far as I can tell.”
“Good now sit down! You worry too much”
Frowning at her for a moment Nathaniel takes a seat next to her, his back against the trunk of the tree.
“So tell me, how’s your studying coming along?” Nathaniel asked.
“Well, I decided to take up leatherworking. I talked to Simon Tanner at the protective hide and he agreed to teach me his trade. I know it will take a lot of time and effort but I believe I can make a good living of it.”
“What of skinning? Is he going to teach you that too?”
“Yes, though that is one thing I think it will take a while to get used to.”
Suddenly there was a rustling in the trees and snapping of branches and before Nathaniel had a chance to stop him a man dashed out from the trees and grabbed Vivian from behind, a dagger to her throat.
“Just walk away boy,” Said the man, his voice muffled by the red bandana coving his nose and mouth “and you may live to see another day.”
Nathaniel, a bit shocked that he couldn’t hear the man’s approach, let his hand come to rest on the hilt of his sword
“Don’t even think about it, you wouldn’t want your friend here to get hurt now would you?”
“Let her go you Defias scum! I swear if you hurt her you will pay for it for the rest of your life”
“Strong words for a little boy.” Laughed the Defias.
Nathaniel took a step closer, hand gripping the hilt of his sword till his knuckles turned white. “Let her go.” Nathaniel growled.
The Defias looked at Vivian “You and me are going to have a little fun,” The man grinned wide, “then I will sell you to the slave traders, and there is nothing this boy can do. I bet he can’t even swing that sword.”
Nathaniel’s eyes flared with an intense anger, He closed his eyes for a moment and drew his sword with a practiced motion. There was a scream and Nathaniel’s eyes flew open, afraid of what he might see. He launched himself at the man but the man was already hunched over in pain, Lesions opened down the length of his arms and legs, His skin starting to peel away. The sound of bones snapping filled the air as the man collapsed to the ground. Nathaniel turned his eyes to Vivian in confusion, Had she caused this? The look on her face told him this was not so. Looking back at the screaming man, Nathaniel was horrified. His bones were now fusing back together, forming a smaller frame. His skin looked as if molding as it rushed to cover the new frame, green scales erupted through the skin locking into place. Finnally the painful transformation was complete and in front of Nathaniel stood a very short imp. It looked up at him it’s eyes full of agony, then it was gone, a blank and zombie like look filled his eyes.
“I am here to serve, Master”
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no subject
I am very glad you enjoyed! Thank you so much for your help ^_^
~ Jarrett (Nathaniel) :-p
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I like the idea/concept/writing. But please... if you email it to me I will fix all of your grammar. I will even include a short grammar lesson at no extra charge. And then your professor will give you an A because your grammar will be excellent.
*is wondering if it is blatantly obvious that she was an English/creative writing major for four years.*