two stories

[strzyga.livejournal.com]

pimping out a couple stories i've posted in my original writing comm, just to get them out beyond the range of my flist, lol. both are fantasy, ftr.

they've already both been heavily critiqued, edited, and so forth, but further critiquing/feedback is certainly more than welcome. 8)

neither of these is for the faint of heart.

The Lost Astoria, pt. i

Three days pass, and they find Rupert Akelsen dead in the middle of the Mendelsens' potato fields, splayed like a broken doll in an irrigation ditch. The corpse is bloated and white, head twisted entirely around and tongue lolling purple against blue lips. Its eyes are gaping holes where the crows have eaten them, and scavengers have picked it clean to the sun-dried bone in more places than the Mendelsens can count.

Jasper shivers when she hears about the body. She's not sure why, but she finds herself thinking of how Rupert had tormented her three days earlier ("Where's your father?" he had asked, eyes dancing with laughter. "I bet he left you because you're so ugly."), and then of the unicorn: a white, white glow in the forest dark, and black eyes slit with gold.

this contains adult situations
( The first time Jasper sees a unicorn, she is eleven and picking flowers in the Jelnisens' back fields, where they let the weeds grow wild )


Raven Lies

The crack as the sword breaks his sternum is a sound more felt than heard. His legs turn limp -- he cannot feel them -- and he thinks it ironic that the sword which killed him is all that keeps him upright. He tries to call out, to say something, but all that emerges is a gurgle because his lungs, his mouth, are filled with blood. His heart stops.

Ravenli feels himself die, and it is glorious.

this contains graphic violence, gore, and potentially disturbing sexual scenes (although not because of anything non-consensual)
( Ravenli remembers: The first time he dies, he is six, and being dedicated to Calam. )

Comments

[and-say-no-more.livejournal.com]

Bleh I'm going to be lazy and not read the text under the cuts...on the first one, at least, for the issues that pop at me. First sentence- your positioning of "in an irrigation ditch" is odd to me, as I follow that as part of the simile with the broken doll, rather than a place in the potato fields. Then I have scientific issues with the second sentence. The corpse wouldn't be white after three days, color changes start with putrefaction which will occur usually on the third day at the earliest. Furthermore, the tongue is gonna be one of the first things to go, especially if eyes are gone.

In the second one, I don't like the passive voice in the first sentence. I'm pretty adverse to passive voice in most cases. I recognize that you're trying to change up the voice so it's not redundant, but that's the issue you'll run into write third present.

Maybe when I have more time I'll look further into them.

[strzyga.livejournal.com]

you're actually the first person who's found that sentence order odd. i'm a little curious, how would you have phrased it? as for the scientific issue, i asked around a bunch of my science-geek friends and the general conclusion was that corpses left in water both decompose more quickly and turn white. writing it between classes at school and desperately trying to meet a deadline i never made a greater effort to do some research. i'll keep that, and the bit about the tongue, in mind for when i actually do the massive rewrite of the story i'm planning.

by 'first sentence' for the second story, do you mean the cut-text or the first line in the blockquote?