writers_loft | First time/help (Reply)

Hello all! I've been working bit by bit on an original story by the title of "Windborne". But, I'd like to hear what other people think, so I'v posted teh introductory chapeter, and if you have the spare time, come take a look!

The day was already gray and ominous- the winds billowed with an unusual ferocity for summer. A small crowd of around one hundred fifty people had gathered outside the weathered door to the ancient stone castle towards the western boarder of the Windy Plateau. Their eyes were hungry, their muscles twitching- some even licked their lips in anticipation.

Though small in size as a whole, the men were massive and the women prepared to pounce like the ferocious wild animals the days of uncertainty had forced them become. Their arsenal consisted of a diversity of pitch forks and other scavenged farm tools to torches to fresh wielded swords. But regardless of what they grasped in their wanton hands, they were well aware that one’s own two hands could be a lethal weapon. The high winds mingled the smells of sweat, dirt, spices and perfumes emanating from the crowd in pungent waves, their classes mingled: the multitude of them were the humble and poor who worked the land, encompassing a handful of merchants and nobles who were able to see past the end of their noses, but unfortunately not the end of their pockets.

Ahead of them at the front of the mass was the rigid frame of their leader: angled, harsh, dark… a member of the royal family, the High Duke Frederick Rex himself. His eyes gleamed and his chapped lips smiled, baring crooked teeth in a grin of smug satisfaction. The self-righteous Duke had convinced his brother to secure the land’s position with the blockade of the trade routes and wars against the most threatening nations and at the same time lead the people to rebel against his brother the king under threat of ruin. The petty warfare and blockades had done nothing to save the Windy Plateau from the renaissance of technologies sprouting from the other lands and the classes and functions of the economical framework of the Windy plateau were beginning to crumble. Disguising his threat in whole-hearted support of his brother, he had broken Udur’s support from the inside- it was time to bring his plot for a new world-his new world- to completion.

He put on a serious face before turning to his followers. “My people-” he began in a righteous tone. “My fellow suffering people- we have broken our backs and wiped our brows for this man- for this kingdom. What have we received in return?”

A horrid, almost other-worldly growl was emitted collectively from the crowd.

Fredrick spat on the grass between his feet. “We are not slaves- we are subjects!” another roar went up from the crowd and he continued. “I am at a complete loss as to how I couldn’t have seen this before it was this late,” he said, his voice remorseful. “I have known my dear brother Udur all my life. He showed promise- and gave us just that- an empty promise!”

Once more, a cheer echoed his contention.

“I have been as mislead as you- I have been fooled by this monster, and now he must repay our blood with his own! THIS IS THE DAWNING OF A NEW, GOLDEN AGE!”

The crowd could contain themselves no longer, throwing themselves against the groves and dips of the oaken doors, scraping splinters into the air and their skin. The sensation of pain was nearly flooded out by adrenaline as at last the doors gave in, breaking to the hand of the angry people. The guards, despite being so well armed were easily overrun and beaten by the townspeople. Blood splattered against the gray walls of the palace’s entrance in a sickening display almost as pretty as if an artist had thrown red paint against the walls. The horde spread, but still moved as one, as a single mind for a single body. Fredrick played the role of dedicated hero quite well, running amidst the chaos with his people, screaming curses against his own family, all the while feeling his hand ache in excitement to end his brother’s life.

Meanwhile, in the highest floors of the palace, the chaos had not gone unnoticed. The Queen Kohar was already in panic for her children. “Aeolus! Indur!” she screamed their names flying from room to room. Feeling her heart sink to her stomach, her skin jumped at the small giggles echoing from the children’s nursery. Cursing herself for not checking the room immediately, she ran with inhuman force and steadied herself against the stone archway to the room. The Crown Prince Aeolus and his tender little sister, Princess Indur were giggling and spinning, their laughter growing as their bottoms collided with the rumbling floor. “What are you doing?!” the Queen screeched, heartbeat now visible in the dip of skin beneath her throat.

“Mama!” Aeolus cackled. “We are playing with the great Earth Snake! He is bouncing us like Papa does, and he wants to play!” He threw his head back and laughed again.

“He even laughs with us, listen!” Indur howled after her brother.

“Children, the great Earth Snake is only a story-” Kohar’s temper rose as her children continued to twirl around and laugh. Though it otherwise gave her joy, their blissful innocence was grinding against her patience like no other time. “STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!” she screeched. The children fell once more, but fell silently. Indur began to choke in small sobs.

Indur’s skin tingled with a tint of sadness, now mixing with the overwhelming panic for the danger below. She ran to her children, bringing them each under her arms. She began stroking Indur’s hair and spoke: “The great Earth Snake is just a story, children- something to encourage your dreams at night. Imagination is nothing harmful, but now is not the time-”

The splintering of wood caught her ears and she tensed. Aeolus was frightened by his mother’s face. “Mama-Mama, what’s wrong?”

Kohar force a weak smile and looked to her son. “Nothing, sweet son.” She pushed Indur into her brother’s arms. “Here, take Indur, hide beneath your nap-beds-and do not make a sound.” She whispered, kissing both her children on the forehead. “Go on, I’ll come get you soon.” Waving her children away, she fled the room hurriedly, searching for her husband: “Udur, Udur! Answer me!”

Kohar found her husband sat at the altar of the Sun King, looking wistfully into the small eyes of the tiny man inside the golden orb. He was made to look as though he was stepping towards the earth, looking down upon all his creation, prepared to give life and wisdom. “Udur!” she gasped. “What are you doing? Now is not the time for prayer!”

Udur would not even turn to face his wife. “Please, Kohar, can’t a man save his soul before his demise?”

“Udur, damn it, are you deaf? Can’t you hear the howls of your people below?”

“They are not my people anymore, Kohar. They are his.”

“You are a king, Udur, act like it!”

The king still refused to turn to his queen, who was now on the verge of tears. “I have led my people to destruction under a false council that was right under my nose the entire time, a guise not even I could see through. He has won.”

“What… so you are just going to let him win?” Kohar wept in desperation. “Udur, he is ruthless, he will kill you!”

“I deserve to die, Kohar, we both know that.”

Kohar’s patience had melted away as she grabbed her husband by the front of his robe, forcing him to look at her swollen angry eyes as her voice erupted in his ears. “Damn it, Udur- stop playing a martyr! You are nothing of the sort!” her anger flowed untamed. “Have you no shame? No honor? No love for our children? You are NOT the man I married!” her tears dripped from her lips to her husband’s robes, falling on her fingers which had now gone white from an angry grip. “By the Sun King, if I had as soft a will as you did, I would strangle you myself!”

The doors to the altar room burst and the broken wood littered the floor, falling as some crude rain. Out of the shadows of the archway stepped the form of Fredrick, followed closely by two deranged men, brandishing a wooden bat and a sword. “Well, my good lady- I never knew you had such a temper, but I must ask…” he fingered the dagger at his side. “That you keep your hands clean, and leave all the killing to me.”

Kohar threw herself against her husband, glaring at Frederick as if to set him on fire. “Why have you come? Why must you upset us further?”

Frederick clicked his tongue. “My sweet queen, you are as a sister to me-” he said tangling his twisted hands in her silky black hair. She drove her nails into his skin, screeching. Frederick glowered, throwing her against the wall. “But I must say, sometimes you ask the most useless of questions.” He let his long, menacing fingers run across the handle of the dagger attached to his waist, thin lips pulling over pointed teeth, slick with the salivation of the rebellion’s rush. “Udur,” he let the word slide from his tongue. “Come kiss your brother goodbye.”

The stoic-faced king stood in silence, refusing to move an inch. He would be stubborn to the end: this is where he’d chosen to die, right before the eyes of his god- and so it would be done. Frederick gave a “tsk” and shook his head. “That is so like you, brother- stone, concrete, unmovable-”

The rumble of Kohar crawling away from the wall with a low, animalistic growl interrupted his speech. He barked an order to the rebels behind him: “Hold her back.”

Without hesitation, the men grabbed Kohar’s arms in their large calloused hands, slamming her dainty frame against the wall once more. The lager of the two grabbed the front of her head, thrusting her head against the bleached stone repeatedly. Her head rolled and her world spun, finally coming to rest with her chin against her chest and a dull throb resonating about her skull. Frederick gave a satisfied smirk. Udur let loose a ragged shout and launched for his wife, running straight into Frederick’s waiting frame. He was knocked back, his throat now clutched in the hand of his brother. “As I was saying- you were always so stable-” he continued, backing himself and the frightened man into the space beside the altar. Frederick threw his hand against Udur’s throat, making him utter a rough gag. “- Until you panicked!” Frederick tightened his grip. “You have torn your country apart thanks to your mistrust in yourself, and your misplacement of trust in your enemies.”

Udur’s face was growing pale against his brother’s grip. “Brothers…” he choked; his knuckle’s whitening in a futile effort to relieve his brother’s grip. “Should not be enemies.”

Frederick let out a snicker. “That is the problem with ruling at the end of a golden age, your head is only in your perfect dreams; you are raised in the belief that you are untouchable… am I right, brother?”

Udur could only blink.

“But I wonder… what of ruling in the beginning of a golden age, where the sky is indeed the limit? Would it have as horrid of an impact?” Frederick smirked, pulling the dagger from its sheath. “I suppose I will just have to find out on my own, won’t I?”

With the lat statement, he plunged the dagger into Udur’s navel, making the man gasp and squeak embarrassingly. Frederick pulled against the skin to the left, past the layers of thin, layered fabric common for a summer robe, satisfaction glowing in his dark eyes as the blood spilled freely. He stood there, watching the life leave his brother’s terrified face with utmost satisfaction, and even thrust his hand into the large slit, picking and pulling with the gush of organs and fluids between his fingers.

The blood slowed, Frederick released his brother, letting his drained body fall to heap of stained cloths and entrails. He wiped his hand against his own robe, turning his gaze to the limp Kohar, hanging in his henchmen’s grip. He sighed. “She must be greatly disoriented... very well,” he walked behind the large men, pulling her dark hair away from her face and curving his dirtied hand to the contour of her jaw, pressing the bloody dagger against her pale skin. “She was indeed a lovely woman.”

With that, he swiped the blade across her throat, letting the warm blood pour out with a single, faint gasp. Frederick gave a swift kick to the fresh corpse before turning out the door. “Come,” he said darkly. “I must see my niece and nephew…”

Indur and Aeolus remained cowering under the bed, completely unaware to their parents’ murders. The young prince kept his short arms locked around his sister, her little body shaking with hiccups and tears as the clatters and rumbles continued below. At times, they would hear a rush of footsteps and a slur of voices pass the nursery’s doorway- at those times they would not dare to breathe, trying to will themselves invisible. It had been relatively undisturbed for the past while, and Indur saw the chance for a minor comfort. “Aeolus,” she shuddered, giving a great snort. “I want Conrad.” Her vision was locked on a honey-colored bear fixed neatly in the window’s ledge, black eyes glistening despite the clouds.

Aeolus shivered as another rumble passed beneath them. “N-No, Indur-” he said. “Mama said to stay here until she comes back.” A great smack resonated from the end of the hall and Indur squealed, pressing her head farther into her brother’s shoulder, her eyes inflamed from the tears. Aeolus squeezed her with a mighty “Shhh.”

“Aeolus- please, I want Conrad!” she squealed again.

“Shh, shh- Indur we can’t move until Mama comes.”

Indur turned her flushed face to her brother, attempting to angle her brow in anger. She pouted, her lower lip trembling. “If you don’t get him-” her voice was strangely firm. “I’ll scream.”

Aeolus pursed his lips, sending a glare of his own straight back into his sister’s eyes. He grumbled under his breath, sighing. “Fine,” he spat. “But you stay here, and DON”T MOVE.” He thrust his pointed finger in her face as he’d seen his mother and the nannies do often when they were scolding them. The boy crawled from beneath the bed frame, ducking to avoid hitting his head against the splintering wood. Quickly flicking hi head from side to side to check for the intruders, he pulled his body completely away from the shadows under his nap-bed and rose to his knees. On his fist attempt to stand, he stumbled and grabbed the side of the bed as his calves throbbed and his knees locked- just how long had he and his sister been stowed away? And where was Mama?

Aeolus quickly turned his attention to retrieving the waiting toy. The black eyes seemed to entrance the boy, beckoning him- he quickly forgot all subtlety, running on the toes of his slippers to grab the waiting bear. After what seemed to be a never-ending sprint, the prince wrapped his arms around the large furry neck and breathed a sigh of relief as he turned on his heel to bring the stuffed animal to his sister. He made a cautious step- then another, repeating the soft pattern to himself: “left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot…” it seemed that the journey from Window to bed had doubled since he last left. “Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foo-”

Without warning, a pair of suspicious feet had crossed into his vision. Slowly he craned his neck, meeting the eyes of an ugly, dirty man, who seemed to be one built from one slab of meat piled atop another. He gasped, his grip on the toy tightening. His heart stopped, plunging to the bottom of his stomach. The meat-man gave a grunt before spitting next to the boy, causing him to tremble. Aeolus began to back away, unsure of where exactly he was going. His young mind was gripped by panic, until a certain voice rose from behind the disgusting man.

“Aeolus,” the deep voice slid into his ears. “My dear nephew,” The dark form of his uncle slithered into his sight, eyes half-lidded in mischief. He stretched his arms towards the boy. “Come give your uncle a hug…”

Aeolus didn’t fail to notice the bloodied fabric hanging limply from his uncle’s right arm. His chest began to heave in panicked breath and his eyes trembling.

“Now Aeolus, surely your parents raised you with better manners…” Frederick pulled his lips to the side of his face in an expression of disappointment. “Though with your father being who he was,” he paused to stare at his right hand- the gore still caked beneath his fingernails. “I would not be surprised if I was wrong.”

Suddenly another man, just as dirty but twice as slim as the meat sack limped into the room. “Have you found the kid, Frederick?” His eyes came to rest on the prince’s small frame, looking as innocent as possible for a child with wide eyes clinging to a stuffed toy. He studied the boy for a brief moment. “Aww,” the dirty brute cooed. “It’ll be almost a shame to let him go- I think the brat’d make a nice, fine field hand- how about you?”

“Now now,” Frederick waved the man forward. “He’s still a prince, we must show him some respect.”

“Respect is for those who deserve it- for humans.” The first disgusting lump of flesh spat again. “He’s a swine- nothin’ but an animal come from another animal- he’s just as low as they were.”

Aeolus felt his throat muscles tighten into a lump in his throat. He swallowed, trying to choke it back, but to no avail. His vision began to blur and his small brain was dizzied with only one phrase coming clear: “Where’s my mama?” he choked, feeling the little salt drops spill from the corners of his eyes.

“Oh, Aeolus,” Frederick stopped to embrace the child. Aeolus stiffened against his uncle’s arms. “Your mother is not here. You see, today is a very special day, so we’re all celebrating. Your father and mother are already with everyone else.” He ran a slender finger against the boy’s skin, brushing the black silk away from his troubled face. “Do you know where your sister is, Aeolus?”

The boy swallowed hard, glancing at the bed. He shot his eyes back to his uncle’s intense stare. “No Uncle Frederick. She-she’s gone missing.”

Frederick gave a true smile at the boy’s best attempt to lie. How sweet. “And she’s good at it too, isn’t she?”

Aeolus nodded his head up and down furiously.

“I’ll tell you what,” Frederick whispered. “Let’s see if I can find her…” he turned to his men, angling his boney face towards the bed. Both of the grimy men gave a wicked smile before diving below the old wood with a cackle. A heart-wrenching screech sounded from the bed as the thinner man pulled the flailing princess away from the safety of the bed frame’s shadows, and the fatter one struggled to get back on his feet.

“INDUR!” Aeolus creamed as he struggled against this uncle’s tightening embrace. Frederick clapped his free hand over his nephew’s mouth and began to bark orders at the men.

“Take her into the main hall” Frederick shouted over his shoulder as the men left. “She is not to be harmed by anyone- understand? THAT INCLUDES YOU!”

Aeolus fear was only agitated with anger at the capture of his sister. Losing the last of his caution, he opened his mouth, digging his teeth into the flesh of Frederick’s hand. The murderous man yelped and jerked his hand way, crushing the boy to his chest as he examined the damage. Aeolus failed futilely against his uncle’s crushing force. “Give me back my sister! Give her back now!” he screamed.

Frederick snarled at the boy. “Such a whiney child,” he grumbled, gripping the boy’s shoulder and throwing him down against the floor. Aeolus screamed and continued to cry for Indur. “G-give her back to me NOW! I… I want mama, too!”

Frederick had lost all patience with the boy, thrusting his hand against Aeolus’ throat much as he did his father’s. “This should never have taken this long…” he growled, raising the boy up to his knees by his throat. “I believe it’s time you joined the celebration like everyone else, my dear boy…” he hissed, once again pulling the dagger from his side and pressing the tip of the blade against the prince’s right eye. Without hesitation, he pressed the blade into the watery surface, drawing a quick line across and successfully splitting the eye in two. Aeolus howled in pain. Frederick’s face darkened and the adrenaline of destruction shot through his body once more. He seethed, rewetting his dirty hand with the fresh blood of his nephew’s eye as he pulled the destroyed organ away from the leaking socket.

The boy continued to flail and scream against the torture, but to no avail. At last the pain overwhelmed him- his vision went black and his voice faded as his body fell limp. Frederick dug for the last bits of the massacred organ, and after finding the socket emptied to his satisfaction, gathered the boy into his arms along with the stuffed animal. He stepped into the crowded hall, deaf to all voices of inquiry as the stepped briskly to the destroyed doors. The stone floors were slick against Frederick’s hurried steps, covered in blood, and now rain was beginning to fall from the heavy clouds. The determined man stepped into the growing downpour, the mud squelching beneath his step. Stopping at the center of the open field of the palace, he looked upon his nephew’s fainted form, addressing the boy one last time.

“I apologize that I could not spare you, Aeolus,” he spoke with a firm sincerity. “But you had shown me that your father’s idiocy had already begun to infect you and cost you your innocence.” He threw the limp body to the muddy ground, watching the blood mix with the dirt in smug satisfaction of his deed- had just done his society a favor.

“So young, yet so far beyond repair…” He sighed, his fingers running over the bear’s eye, its fur now dampened with blood and rain.

A coil of sarcasm twisted itself around the man’s brain, and he quickly yanked the right eye of the bear away from the fabric, breaking all threads in a single pull. Turning to rejoin the mob at the trashed castle and assume fatherhood over his niece, he threw the bear to the fainted boy:

“I leave you now to the mercy of nature and the Sun King.”