writers_loft | Intro/Prologue (Reply)

Hiya! The name's Miki and I really love to write. So I came here in hopes of getting advice from fellow writers like myself.

So here's a sample of the a fantasy novel that I'm currently working on. It's just the prologue, though.

Spirit

Prologue - Night

he wind howled mercilessly, and rain pounded against the tinted glass windows on that very night that housed his memories. Aaron remembered the cries of the creatures lying outside, and how they tapped on the window panes, desperate for shelter from the storm. The rhythmic beating of water and the soothing voice of Lorelei and her songs were still engraved into his mind…along with the events that followed.

Aaron sat in the firelight, basking in the warmth as Lorelei sat on the couch near the window, singing softly like she always had for the years they lived here. It was like a ritual; on the stormy days, they would sit in their respective seats and as Aaron lit the fire, Lorelei sang until he fell asleep.

It was during the later parts of the night, when his eyelids began to droop and his vision started to blur that Lorelei suddenly stopped, but just for a moment. Even so, Aaron knew his sister well enough to know that something was wrong. Then, he heard it. Or rather, it was what he didn’t hear.

The noises of the creatures, and the crackling thunder had all stilled, and an eerie silence began to creep inside their small home. They had come. Lorelei stood, tying up her long black locks and then stared definitely out into the night. “It’s time,” she said solemnly.

“Time for what?” her little brother inquired, shifting nervously on the small stool. The wooden legs creaked loudly on the floor, and his sister did not reply. Instead, she walked slowly, hesitantly, towards the door, and shakily reached for the knob.

For a moment, Lorelei stood still, and Aaron arose from his position in front of the fire and reached out to her, but before he could lay a comforting hand on her shoulder, she pushed him aside and opened the door.

It happened so quickly, Aaron had to run through the memory thrice in order to get a somewhat clear image of the memory. Something, a burst of light, shattered through the glass windows, blasting him against the wall. The old house moaned loudly, and Aaron knew that this ancient thing couldn’t withstand anymore explosions. He narrowed his eyes and peered cautiously through the light, and witnessed Lorelei standing behind a man.

A very familiar man. “F-father!?” he called out, trying to regulate his voice, but instead, Aaron sounded like a scared animal, like he always had in front of that man. That very man that he and Lorelei tried to get away from...why was she going with him?

Father was a man of very few words; he never said anymore than he had to, which in this case, was one word: “Die.”

Another blast sounded through the night sky, and Aaron felt something sink into his skin, mercilessly killing him from inside out. The pain was overwhelming, and no matter how much he attempted to force himself to stand, agony would wash over him, and obscure his vision.

Finally, no matter how much his spirit tried to fight it, his body caved in, and the last thing Aaron heard was Lorelei’s singing.

Any comments would be greatly appreciated.