I liked this, and if you have any more you feel like sharing anytime, I'd really like to see it. For some reason this felt kind of post-apocalyptic to me on the first read (yeah, I read it several times) but I think that could also just be the whole journeying/leaving stuff behind vibes too. The character's names are interesting, making me wonder whether they were real/physical beings or just personas inside the MCs head. Either way, cool.
A few minor critiques & minor SPAG nitpicks, if that's okay. "One that had more to offer then the town" -- you probably mean "than the town". "Turns we were due home a month ago" -- should be "Turns out" ? The first part... I'm not sure about the tense changes, particularly in that second paragraph. I think the first two sentences of the first part should be present tense as well, because the way it reads is somewhat confusing. I don't think you'd sacrifice much by doing that.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2008-02-15 09:48 am (UTC)A few minor critiques & minor SPAG nitpicks, if that's okay. "One that had more to offer then the town" -- you probably mean "than the town".
"Turns we were due home a month ago" -- should be "Turns out" ?
The first part... I'm not sure about the tense changes, particularly in that second paragraph. I think the first two sentences of the first part should be present tense as well, because the way it reads is somewhat confusing. I don't think you'd sacrifice much by doing that.
But yeah... please sir, can I 'ave some moar? XD