Skip the entire intro. Start with "We had just moved to a different town" etc.
"We had just moved to a different town; still in the same state but I had to leave all my friends behind. I cried as we drove off. I had just finished saying goodbye to all the friends I’d made there." Remove the repetition: you've already stated you had left all your friends behind.
"I’m very, very shy so it would always be hard for me to make friends. I’d always tell myself that it wasn’t going to be so hard. I’ll I had to do was walk up and say hi. It was that easy, yet so difficult." You may still be shy to this day, but change the first statement to the past tense so it fits the rest of the story. Otherwise it reads like your current shyness is the cause of your past difficulty in making friends.
"When we arrived at our new house I was sad but also excited. Our new house was big and amazing. It was nice and it had a giant back yard. We got out and ran to the front door. Mom was walking slower so my brother and I had to wait a couple of seconds. But seconds to a 7 year old is like minutes. My heart was pounding in my chest."
It seems like you're trying to use the voice of your past childhood self. I am also puzzled at the lengthy description of you and your family arriving at the house: you could've easily ended it at "giant backyard." and let the reader fill out the details. This whole paragraph seems to foreshadow something exciting, but then..
"My mom finally unlocked the door and we ran in. The furniture was already there so we didn’t have to do much (our mom had dropped us off at school she went and moved all the furniture for us). I ran upstairs because that’s where my bedroom was going to be. The room was big and had a porch that led looked over the backyard. Just magnificent." So.. The entire bit about your heart pounding in your chest and all this excitement and so on leads us to the furniture already being there and what your bedroom was like? It seems a lot of writing for just another piece of description that, again, could have been completely erased with the reader no worse off.
"That weekend I was outside playing when a girl, who was bigger and taller than me, came down our steep driveway. I went to the gate cautious but curious. The girl smiled. “Hi,” She said. “Hi,” I say."
Fix the last say to said. Same thing a bit later "My name is Rosie.” I reply." should be changed to replied. Actually reading on it seems you change the tense entirely from past to present. Pick one or the other, I'd recommend sticking with past tense. Another thing that sticks out to me with the whole introduction to this new character is that you keep repeating her name: Lynette, Lynette, Lynette.
"Lynnette stepped in and I let her into the house. My mom and Lynnette talked a little then she sent us off to go play outside. We talked like girls do and ran around and played on the trampoline. This looked like the start a beautiful friendship. But boy was I wrong." Two other things also stick out here. One is a simple typo, you missed 'of' in 'the start a beautiful friendship'. The second is "We talked like girls do" which I find simply puzzling. I wasn't aware girls talk differently from boys. You might want to clarify or simply erase that.
You then have the headline "One Year Later" but goes on to say that you are starting out in your new school. I'm left thinking you made an error until you mention "In this town when you were in third grade you went to a totally different school." So we skipped a whole year? You might want to put in something about you and Lynette becoming BFFs for seemingly real during that skipped chunk of time or similar, to keep the reader from becoming confused like I did.
"we could still hand out at recess right?" Typo, hand should be hang.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2009-11-08 01:36 am (UTC)"We had just moved to a different town; still in the same state but I had to leave all my friends behind. I cried as we drove off. I had just finished saying goodbye to all the friends I’d made there."
Remove the repetition: you've already stated you had left all your friends behind.
"I’m very, very shy so it would always be hard for me to make friends. I’d always tell myself that it wasn’t going to be so hard. I’ll I had to do was walk up and say hi. It was that easy, yet so difficult."
You may still be shy to this day, but change the first statement to the past tense so it fits the rest of the story. Otherwise it reads like your current shyness is the cause of your past difficulty in making friends.
"When we arrived at our new house I was sad but also excited. Our new house was big and amazing. It was nice and it had a giant back yard. We got out and ran to the front door. Mom was walking slower so my brother and I had to wait a couple of seconds. But seconds to a 7 year old is like minutes. My heart was pounding in my chest."
It seems like you're trying to use the voice of your past childhood self. I am also puzzled at the lengthy description of you and your family arriving at the house: you could've easily ended it at "giant backyard." and let the reader fill out the details. This whole paragraph seems to foreshadow something exciting, but then..
"My mom finally unlocked the door and we ran in. The furniture was already there so we didn’t have to do much (our mom had dropped us off at school she went and moved all the furniture for us). I ran upstairs because that’s where my bedroom was going to be. The room was big and had a porch that led looked over the backyard. Just magnificent."
So.. The entire bit about your heart pounding in your chest and all this excitement and so on leads us to the furniture already being there and what your bedroom was like? It seems a lot of writing for just another piece of description that, again, could have been completely erased with the reader no worse off.
"That weekend I was outside playing when a girl, who was bigger and taller than me, came down our steep driveway. I went to the gate cautious but curious. The girl smiled.
“Hi,” She said.
“Hi,” I say."
Fix the last say to said. Same thing a bit later "My name is Rosie.” I reply." should be changed to replied. Actually reading on it seems you change the tense entirely from past to present. Pick one or the other, I'd recommend sticking with past tense. Another thing that sticks out to me with the whole introduction to this new character is that you keep repeating her name: Lynette, Lynette, Lynette.
"Lynnette stepped in and I let her into the house. My mom and Lynnette talked a little then she sent us off to go play outside. We talked like girls do and ran around and played on the trampoline. This looked like the start a beautiful friendship. But boy was I wrong."
Two other things also stick out here. One is a simple typo, you missed 'of' in 'the start a beautiful friendship'. The second is "We talked like girls do" which I find simply puzzling. I wasn't aware girls talk differently from boys. You might want to clarify or simply erase that.
You then have the headline "One Year Later" but goes on to say that you are starting out in your new school. I'm left thinking you made an error until you mention "In this town when you were in third grade you went to a totally different school." So we skipped a whole year? You might want to put in something about you and Lynette becoming BFFs for seemingly real during that skipped chunk of time or similar, to keep the reader from becoming confused like I did.
"we could still hand out at recess right?" Typo, hand should be hang.