I thinks it's pretty good, but it does need some polishing. Mostly you just need to work on your past-tense present-tense switching. When writing, you have to keep it one way or the other. For example:
"'Hi,' She said. 'Hi,' I say. 'My name’s Lynnette and I live across the street, what’s yours?' Lynnette asked. 'It’s nice to meet you Lynnette. My name is Rosie.' I reply. I shook her hand over the fence."
You go from "said," past-tense, to "say," present-tense. This continues on throughout your story. You can't have it both ways, and like I said, it must be one or the other. It you wanted it to be past-tense, this is how the above portion should look:
"'Hi,' she said. 'Hi,' I said. 'My name’s Lynnette and I live across the street, what’s yours?' Lynnette asked. 'It’s nice to meet you Lynnette. My name is Rosie.' I replied. I shook her hand over the fence."
And vice versa if you wanted to do present-tense.
Overall, the above comments were some good critique, you should listen to them. And good job!
Remember, editing, re-writing, and making endless mistakes is all part of writing. In fact, I don't think there is a single writer out there that doesn't do any of that.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2009-11-12 12:11 am (UTC)"'Hi,' She said.
'Hi,' I say.
'My name’s Lynnette and I live across the street, what’s yours?' Lynnette asked.
'It’s nice to meet you Lynnette. My name is Rosie.' I reply. I shook her hand over the fence."
You go from "said," past-tense, to "say," present-tense. This continues on throughout your story. You can't have it both ways, and like I said, it must be one or the other. It you wanted it to be past-tense, this is how the above portion should look:
"'Hi,' she said.
'Hi,' I said.
'My name’s Lynnette and I live across the street, what’s yours?' Lynnette asked.
'It’s nice to meet you Lynnette. My name is Rosie.' I replied. I shook her hand over the fence."
And vice versa if you wanted to do present-tense.
Overall, the above comments were some good critique, you should listen to them. And good job!
Remember, editing, re-writing, and making endless mistakes is all part of writing. In fact, I don't think there is a single writer out there that doesn't do any of that.
Best wishes :)