Overall, I liked it. But there area a few places that could use some polishing.
"Rosa," he choked.
I think you should change the tag here since a person can't actually "choke" dialogue. I think I get what you're going for, but there's probably a more elegant word.
He was so pale. His face, his arms, everything; pale like a porcelain doll.
I liked this line. I like it more now that I've read the whole thing, because it's a nice, subtle description that he's not real and he's not alive.
"I'll be waiting forever Rosa."
Should be: "I'll be waiting forever, Rosa."
"Forever Rosa, forever I will wait," his voice echoed through the sea of black emptiness as the dream fell apart.
This isn't correctly punctuated and is a bit awkward besides. The dialogue here is melodramatic. Something simpler might have better effect. Since he's disappearing at this point, you could have him trail off or be unable to complete his sentence, sort of like he wasn't done talking to her and she wasn't done talking to him but neither of them have a choice at this point. (Maybe just: "Forever, Rosa...")
I pulled back the curtain above my bed, peering through the blinds and outside.
She has both curtains and blinds? That's okay if that's what you intended. I just wasn't sure.
I half expected someone to be walking around; drunk and lonely, looking for his way home and not remembering that he had none. But the neighborhood was still and undisturbed; an eerie essence pulsing through it's darkness.
These semi-colons aren't being used correctly. Replace them with commas.
I think this probably does need something more to be really effective. More details on how he died, whether she feels responsible, how she's struggling to deal with it, etc. It works as is, but in a general kind of way that speaks only to the pain of losing someone but not to Rosa's particular circumstances.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2009-12-10 03:25 pm (UTC)"Rosa," he choked.
I think you should change the tag here since a person can't actually "choke" dialogue. I think I get what you're going for, but there's probably a more elegant word.
He was so pale. His face, his arms, everything; pale like a porcelain doll.
I liked this line. I like it more now that I've read the whole thing, because it's a nice, subtle description that he's not real and he's not alive.
"I'll be waiting forever Rosa."
Should be: "I'll be waiting forever, Rosa."
"Forever Rosa, forever I will wait," his voice echoed through the sea of black emptiness as the dream fell apart.
This isn't correctly punctuated and is a bit awkward besides. The dialogue here is melodramatic. Something simpler might have better effect. Since he's disappearing at this point, you could have him trail off or be unable to complete his sentence, sort of like he wasn't done talking to her and she wasn't done talking to him but neither of them have a choice at this point. (Maybe just: "Forever, Rosa...")
I pulled back the curtain above my bed, peering through the blinds and outside.
She has both curtains and blinds? That's okay if that's what you intended. I just wasn't sure.
I half expected someone to be walking around; drunk and lonely, looking for his way home and not remembering that he had none. But the neighborhood was still and undisturbed; an eerie essence pulsing through it's darkness.
These semi-colons aren't being used correctly. Replace them with commas.
I think this probably does need something more to be really effective. More details on how he died, whether she feels responsible, how she's struggling to deal with it, etc. It works as is, but in a general kind of way that speaks only to the pain of losing someone but not to Rosa's particular circumstances.