writers_loft | Constructive Criticism Wanted and A Question (Reply)

Part of a story I am sort-of writing. Lily is a slave/child-soldier and so is Captain, technically, and they work for a company of soldiers in an uncharted world-type thing. Captain is 16 and basically a soldier in training, he does a lot of their dirty work when it comes to other slaves. Lily is 12-ish and has unfortunately caught the attention of Captain, who likes to pay her visits at night. Lily tried the "keep-your-head-down-and-don't-bathe" approach, but, after fighting on the battlefield against escaped slaves, decided she would at least try to fight back. These are examples of that interaction. Oh yeah, so this stuff is rated Teen-ish because of unpleasantness. Just in case that could be an issue..

At first, Captain was angry to find the girl waiting for him, muscles tensed and teeth bared. It seemed a necessary of the equation, his body hovering over her sleeping form. He is powerful, she is helpless: equation. So when the girl with the mangy dreadlocks is there, watching him with her big blue doll-eyes, he is dumbstruck, then furious. Later, when his fists are numb and his arms are sore and the girl is painted red beneath him, he feels better than ever before. The next day, he runs his fingers over the long scratches on his arms, grinning at the sting, and explores little bruises the size of little-girl fists. He returns that night to find her waiting again. He throws himself into the equation with more enthusiasm than ever before. These victories surpass any fulfillment of any formula ever. Her struggle and his ultimate success proved his manhood in ways he believed the soldiers could never imagine. What did they know of a real battle for dominance, against worthy prey? He walks with his chest stuck out and a spring in his step, proudly nursing his wounds and eagerly inspecting the damage he's done. He starts to bring her tools, little weapons she might use against him, and every new challenge he meets floods him with pride. It occurs to him sometimes that she will be dangerous someday, and a shadow of doubtfeardread creeps over him. He is still a sort-of child though, and he has no time for anything but the thrill of the struggle and the joy of victory.

Lily watched him warily, panting in the moist heat of the small room. She hated that he was bigger than her, more powerful. Captain's breath came in eager gasps and was faintly aware that he's drooling. He couldn't help the way her watercolor bruises made him hard. "Been looking for you. You been hiding from me?" His voice was low and wet and it made Lily want to crawl out of her skin and into a deep dark hole far, far away. "Hiding?" She made a noise between a snort and a whine (she wished she wasn't so afraid). "You know I was on the frontline." Her voice was as flat as she could make it-- he liked it when her shell cracked. A shadow of something flashed across her face and her eyes widened as something fell into place. Her jaw clenched. "But of course you already knew that," she snarled, and there goes the stony-thing, "Put us on the list yourself, huh?" She threw herself at him, hitting him as hard as she could, because the "us" was a few members short when they finally made it back (it didn't matter that they hated her, it was just another loss) and she hated him. He beat her terribly, her hate and his bloody lust crashing like juggernauts. They both went in broken and they came out broken-er. He marked her black and blue and took what he wanted from her and she had his blood all over her skin and vengeance burned bright and hungry in her heart. He couldn't stop and she couldn't get away.

Also, do you write chronologically in your story, or jump around? I can't seem to write "in a straight line," but that leaves me with a bunch of scenes and a really shaky timeline. Do you usually have the whole story planned out when you start, or just run with it?