the familiar clatter that always came when the door on the wrong side of my bedroom closet was opened.
I still can't quite figure out what this means. The door on the wrong side of his bedroom closet?
“What are you doing in my closet?” I raised my voice to carry across the apartment, not bothering to get up from the couch where I was sprawled with my book.
The "I raised my voice" bit seems like a needlessly complicated way of saying "I yelled."
“You’ve got a fucking shrine in there, man!” he crowed
I'm not sure that crowed is the right word to use here. Crowing is self-important, boastful, etc. And that doesn't seem to fit here.
hoping he’d drop the subject, if not the boards.
I was really puzzled by what "boards" could be (other than him storing away a bunch of plywood) for quite a while.
Liam said she went to enroll him today,” I smirked into my book.
Should be: ...to enroll him today." I smirked into my book.
And one last thing, which is definitely part personal preference on my part. Whenever I see a large swath of italics, I immediately assume that whatever is written there is extraneous...something I can safely skip over or ignore. Because it's almost always a tediously long flashback which will then be re-examined and explained in present narration, or it's something that (like here) I can presume the contents of by the characters' reactions.
With as much fun as you probably had writing the blog entry, I really think it could be a fraction as long and still get across the same point without taking your reader away from the present for quite so long.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2010-02-02 03:52 pm (UTC)I still can't quite figure out what this means. The door on the wrong side of his bedroom closet?
“What are you doing in my closet?” I raised my voice to carry across the apartment, not bothering to get up from the couch where I was sprawled with my book.
The "I raised my voice" bit seems like a needlessly complicated way of saying "I yelled."
“You’ve got a fucking shrine in there, man!” he crowed
I'm not sure that crowed is the right word to use here. Crowing is self-important, boastful, etc. And that doesn't seem to fit here.
hoping he’d drop the subject, if not the boards.
I was really puzzled by what "boards" could be (other than him storing away a bunch of plywood) for quite a while.
Liam said she went to enroll him today,” I smirked into my book.
Should be: ...to enroll him today." I smirked into my book.
And one last thing, which is definitely part personal preference on my part. Whenever I see a large swath of italics, I immediately assume that whatever is written there is extraneous...something I can safely skip over or ignore. Because it's almost always a tediously long flashback which will then be re-examined and explained in present narration, or it's something that (like here) I can presume the contents of by the characters' reactions.
With as much fun as you probably had writing the blog entry, I really think it could be a fraction as long and still get across the same point without taking your reader away from the present for quite so long.