writers_loft | The Pitfalls of Dating a Vampire (Reply)

Hey, I'm new here! This is the result of a argument/discussion I had with a friend over her love of Edward from Twilight that mutated wildly. I'd definitely appreciate tips for improvement! This story has some mature things in it so be warned

The Pitfalls of Dating a Vampire

When Lisa started dating Dimitri she’d expected romance, seductions and the basic package one anticipated when bumping uglies with the undead. What she hadn’t expected was, well, what she got. It was on a basic Saturday night that Lisa began to realize that maybe dating the damned was not such a bright idea.

“Baby, you coming to bed,” Lisa called to the bathroom. Why would a vampire need to use the bathroom anyway, she wondered. It wasn’t like they could see themselves in the mirror. Besides, Lisa had quickly learned no matter how many showers Dimitri took that slight corpse-y odor never went away.

Dimitri sauntered into the bedroom; he never walked or did anything equally mundane. He slipped under the bed sheets and with a quick grin at Lisa turned over.

Lisa stared at her boyfriends back, completely stunned. Was he kidding? Did he forget that he doesn’t sleep? Besides, even if he did he should have noticed she was wearing her special pajamas, “Dimitri….get your ass up!”

Dimitri lay still for a moment before turning back around, a calm look on his face. “Yes, what is it, my dark princess?”

“One, It’s not even nine yet and two, I think you forgot something.”

“No, no I’m sure I didn’t. Let’s see, neighborhood terrorized, check; composed poem about my angst over the whole dead thing, check. No, I’m good.”

Lisa sighed irritably, “It’s role-play night, you idiot. You’re supposed to be in your costume. Remember, I’m the naïve, vulnerable milkmaid and you’re the evil, dominating castle Lord?”

“Oh, well, hon…I don’t think that’s a good idea. At least, not tonight.”

“Why not tonight?”

Dimitri cringed and, nervously adjusting his favorite coffin printed pajamas, sat up. “Well, my little night bite, you see…” He stuttered to a stop, his bedtime cape swooping ominously behind him.

“Yes,” Lisa asked, giving Dimitri a glare that said he’d probably get holy water in his cereal tomorrow. Dimitri really needed to find her stash before he ended up with a permanent smoking hole in his stomach.

“Well, I didn’t get to feed tonight and, you see, without blood flowing through me I can’t….I can’t…”

“Oh God,” Lisa said, horror quickly growing on her face. “Are you saying you can’t get it up?"

“Well, you don’t have to be so vulgar,” Dimitri sniffed, turning his pretty little nose up into the air.

Lisa sat quietly for a moment pondering what to do. Not have sex? Yeah, that wasn’t happening. “Wait a minute, just feed a bit from me!”

“No, sewer rat, I couldn’t! You know I can’t feed off humans. Besides you had that garlic pizza today and it’s probably still floating around in there.”

“No, really you’ll be fine and – did you just call me ‘sewer rat’?”

“I like sewer rats! They’re juicy.”

“Okay, ew,” Lisa groaned. “Well, then what are we going to do, hmm?”

Dimitri tapped his long fingernail against his chin, “Well, I could eat Sparky…”

“No! You cannot eat my dog!”

“Well, fine how about your fish then?”

“Well,” Lisa said, hesitant. “Okay, but just this once. Oh, and make it quick I don’t want Slippy the Third to go like Slippy the Second.”

“Oh come on,” Dimitri pouted. “Slippy the Second was asking for it. How long are you going to hold that over my head?”

“Until my blender stops spewing out fish parts.”