Hmmm... First off, even though you said that you didn't want a lot of red ink, I have to point out that spellcheck is not your friend. "Cloths" and "Clothes" are both plural nouns, but have entirely different meanings, "loosing" and "losing" are both words, but the connotations of them are entirely different.
As for the opening, I have to say that two paragraphs into it I would have shut the book. Too much information was being dumped, too rapidly, onto me, the reader, without any emotional commitment to the protagonist. In addition, I didn't even find the information to be interesting. One thing that might help is to put the last paragraph, "Wiping the steam from the glass..." at the very beginning. Then, at least, the ramblings will be obviously the product of a deranged mind and the reader will have a little more patience.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2008-03-30 01:31 am (UTC)As for the opening, I have to say that two paragraphs into it I would have shut the book. Too much information was being dumped, too rapidly, onto me, the reader, without any emotional commitment to the protagonist. In addition, I didn't even find the information to be interesting. One thing that might help is to put the last paragraph, "Wiping the steam from the glass..." at the very beginning. Then, at least, the ramblings will be obviously the product of a deranged mind and the reader will have a little more patience.
Explicit my comments.
-- Flieg