If the intent is to depict a character who may be losing his mind, I'd much rather see this through action/events than hear all this internal dialogue. I don't even know this guy yet; why would I want his whole life story dumped on me?
If this is the story of a character afraid he's losing grip on his sanity (as you imply in this excerpt), let's see something actually *happen* that bears this out. Show him at work, for example, having some kind of inexplicable episode. Or have him run into someone who knows him from the years that he can't remember, so that their conversation can reveal how big the gaps in his memory are. Or have him go talk to a shrink.
I find it helps to imagine your scenes as taking place on a movie screen. What does the viewer see on the screen in the scene you've provided above? A guy standing in front of a mirror. No action.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2008-03-30 01:13 pm (UTC)If this is the story of a character afraid he's losing grip on his sanity (as you imply in this excerpt), let's see something actually *happen* that bears this out. Show him at work, for example, having some kind of inexplicable episode. Or have him run into someone who knows him from the years that he can't remember, so that their conversation can reveal how big the gaps in his memory are. Or have him go talk to a shrink.
I find it helps to imagine your scenes as taking place on a movie screen. What does the viewer see on the screen in the scene you've provided above? A guy standing in front of a mirror. No action.