Well, I tried to comment earlier today and go timed-out, so here is another go.
Interesting premise, it's either ghosts or something else and it's definitely interesting. Your protagonist is interesting. As the_mome_rath noted, some of the sideline characters are more caricatures, but that can change.
Now on to the critique.
First: Please, please, please re-format the story. The centered text gives me no context and no real sense of paragraph length or when there is a quick bit of dialogue. I may be old-fashioned in this, but I found the formatting interfering with my reading of the story. You really don't want anything interfering. (Sometimes centered text in small amounts can be used to good effect, but in large blocks it is wearing.)
Second: The spell-check function in your word-processor is *not* your friend. I didn't spot any misspelled words, but I spotted many that were obviously inappropriate. As a striking example, the Bract Manner might be an inherited personality trait in the family, or a sense on their part that they are better than others. The Bract Manor is the house they used to live in.
Third: I see a lot of surplus words, usually telling the reader what you just showed them. For instance:
“Are you crazy?” Guy snapped when I told him my plan the next day during lunch. He wasn’t as up for adventure as I was.
“Guy, what’s the big deal? I’m going to be living there in a week.”
The sentence "He wasn't..." just isn't needed. It's already clear that Guy is not up for adventure, and the rest of the passage shows it.
Finally: Punctuation is the instructions for how to read the words. Your punctuation is spotty and you tend to generate run-on sentences. While that voice can be very effective in conveying a certain personality, that personality is more Claire than it is Cadence. In addition, punctuation and sentence structure points out to the reader where the important bits are.
I will attempt to demonstrate what I mean on your first paragraph (the one you weren't fond of anyway). This involves both punctuation and the extra words aspects. You wrote:
I’ve always known I was a little odd whether it was my lack of interest in Barbies and boy bands or the fact that sometimes there are people in my mirror that talk to me, I just don’t know. It sounds crazy, but they’re real.
I use to keep a mirror in my room, a girl lived in the reflection of my room, she was my age if not a little older. Her skin was a strange color of gray, as if she had strolled out of a black and white movie. Most of the time she would sit there and just glare at me and never said anything. It was creepy and I ended up moving the mirror out when I was thirteen. That was almost five years ago.
I would suggest as one possible re-casting of the same information:
I've always known I was a little odd. I've never been interested in Barbie dolls or boy bands, and clothes are just what I wear to keep me warm and decent. The fact that sometimes I can see people in a mirror and the fact that sometimes they talk to me is only a bit odder.
I used to have a mirror in my room. There was a girl that lived in the reflection. She wasn't one of the ones that talked; she'd just sit there and stare at me. She was my age, about 13 at the time, and she was all shades of gray, as if she had come in out of a black and white movie.
Five years ago I got rid of the mirror, much to the dismay of my sister Claire.
I hope that you can see the difference in the telling -- I tried as hard as possible to keep your words. (I really liked the images that she had strolled out of a black and white movie.)
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2008-04-09 05:05 am (UTC)Interesting premise, it's either ghosts or something else and it's definitely interesting. Your protagonist is interesting. As the_mome_rath noted, some of the sideline characters are more caricatures, but that can change.
Now on to the critique.
First: Please, please, please re-format the story. The centered text gives me no context and no real sense of paragraph length or when there is a quick bit of dialogue. I may be old-fashioned in this, but I found the formatting interfering with my reading of the story. You really don't want anything interfering. (Sometimes centered text in small amounts can be used to good effect, but in large blocks it is wearing.)
Second: The spell-check function in your word-processor is *not* your friend. I didn't spot any misspelled words, but I spotted many that were obviously inappropriate. As a striking example, the Bract Manner might be an inherited personality trait in the family, or a sense on their part that they are better than others. The Bract Manor is the house they used to live in.
Third: I see a lot of surplus words, usually telling the reader what you just showed them. For instance:
“Are you crazy?” Guy snapped when I told him my plan the next day during lunch. He wasn’t as up for adventure as I was.
“Guy, what’s the big deal? I’m going to be living there in a week.”
The sentence "He wasn't..." just isn't needed. It's already clear that Guy is not up for adventure, and the rest of the passage shows it.
Finally: Punctuation is the instructions for how to read the words. Your punctuation is spotty and you tend to generate run-on sentences. While that voice can be very effective in conveying a certain personality, that personality is more Claire than it is Cadence. In addition, punctuation and sentence structure points out to the reader where the important bits are.
I will attempt to demonstrate what I mean on your first paragraph (the one you weren't fond of anyway). This involves both punctuation and the extra words aspects. You wrote:
I’ve always known I was a little odd whether it was my lack of interest in Barbies and boy bands or the fact that sometimes there are people in my mirror that talk to me, I just don’t know. It sounds crazy, but they’re real.
I use to keep a mirror in my room, a girl lived in the reflection of my room, she was my age if not a little older. Her skin was a strange color of gray, as if she had strolled out of a black and white movie. Most of the time she would sit there and just glare at me and never said anything. It was creepy and I ended up moving the mirror out when I was thirteen. That was almost five years ago.
I would suggest as one possible re-casting of the same information:
I've always known I was a little odd. I've never been interested in Barbie dolls or boy bands, and clothes are just what I wear to keep me warm and decent. The fact that sometimes I can see people in a mirror and the fact that sometimes they talk to me is only a bit odder.
I used to have a mirror in my room. There was a girl that lived in the reflection. She wasn't one of the ones that talked; she'd just sit there and stare at me. She was my age, about 13 at the time, and she was all shades of gray, as if she had come in out of a black and white movie.
Five years ago I got rid of the mirror, much to the dismay of my sister Claire.
I hope that you can see the difference in the telling -- I tried as hard as possible to keep your words. (I really liked the images that she had strolled out of a black and white movie.)
-- In service to the words ...