I like the premise and I find the characters compelling. I really like the casual style and word choice - it definitely has the feel of being told by a teenage girl. I don't think it matters that a lot of it is told rather than shown at this point, because it is in the first person and Cadence is introducing us to her perceptions of everyone else.
I think you need to take your spell check out and shoot it (or at least 2nd guess it when you're running it), because I have a feeling some of the out of place words were accidentally handed to you by it. She opens the door to reveal a large "pallor" instead of "parlor" and there is a "cough" with springs sticking out instead of a "couch".
Your grammar could definitely use some work. I pretty much have to agree with the previous post there. A lot of the sentences kind of run on. I would suggest reading it out loud or (if it works for you) at least voicing it in your head. You can see where you naturally make pauses and add commas or separate sentences.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2008-04-10 02:39 pm (UTC)I think you need to take your spell check out and shoot it (or at least 2nd guess it when you're running it), because I have a feeling some of the out of place words were accidentally handed to you by it. She opens the door to reveal a large "pallor" instead of "parlor" and there is a "cough" with springs sticking out instead of a "couch".
Your grammar could definitely use some work. I pretty much have to agree with the previous post there. A lot of the sentences kind of run on. I would suggest reading it out loud or (if it works for you) at least voicing it in your head. You can see where you naturally make pauses and add commas or separate sentences.
I definitely want to see more, please.