I like the use of present tense-- always very effective in small doses.
Noticed one typo which you might want to catch: "You kiss m and tears well up in my closed eyes". It's not really critique but pointing it out just in case.
If this were my own writing I would feel tempted to change the start of "It is cold, so cold that it’s infiltrating this moment", to "It's cold", it's a stylistic thing really though and I tend to go for a fairly fluid style of writing, so. It's not vital or anything. Just what I'd do.
Also, totally stylistic again but I might change the word "swoosh" when describing the noise of the train because the trains I know don't tend to make smooth noises. They tend to judder and chug and clankity-clank. XD I live in a super-rural part of Britain though, meaning the trains here are old and bad-tempered.
To be honest I don't think you have much to worry about. Good luck in your application! I've received four offers so far and I'm super chuffed. :D
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2010-12-09 05:15 pm (UTC)Noticed one typo which you might want to catch: "You kiss m and tears well up in my closed eyes". It's not really critique but pointing it out just in case.
If this were my own writing I would feel tempted to change the start of "It is cold, so cold that it’s infiltrating this moment", to "It's cold", it's a stylistic thing really though and I tend to go for a fairly fluid style of writing, so. It's not vital or anything. Just what I'd do.
Also, totally stylistic again but I might change the word "swoosh" when describing the noise of the train because the trains I know don't tend to make smooth noises. They tend to judder and chug and clankity-clank. XD I live in a super-rural part of Britain though, meaning the trains here are old and bad-tempered.
To be honest I don't think you have much to worry about. Good luck in your application! I've received four offers so far and I'm super chuffed. :D