This does an okay job of capturing a moment. I have no idea what is separating these people, no hint at any deeper emotion besides "TEH SAD!"
The story that immediately jumps to mind that you might look at is Ernest Hemmingway's "Hills Like White Elephants". There the reader gets a pretty clear picture of these two people and the situation although nothing is ever blatantly stated. Here it feels like I'm looking through a series of other folks' snapshots: they might be pretty but they don't have a lot of resonance because I don't know what they mean.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2011-01-27 08:59 am (UTC)The story that immediately jumps to mind that you might look at is Ernest Hemmingway's "Hills Like White Elephants". There the reader gets a pretty clear picture of these two people and the situation although nothing is ever blatantly stated. Here it feels like I'm looking through a series of other folks' snapshots: they might be pretty but they don't have a lot of resonance because I don't know what they mean.