First of all, look up the rules on punctuating dialogue. You're not doing it correctly. Nobody seems to know how anymore and I can't for the life of me figure out why.
You have a few problems that a simple proof read would fix, too. The ampersands in the first two paragraphs, for instance, which ought to be replaced by "and" like in the rest of the piece. And typos like: "he raised arched an eyebrow."
Character-wise, my main impression is that your dialogue reads a little too formally. Not like the way people actually talk. Things like, "I'm not much accustomed to gratitude." And, "Oh I do love it when I do that." It strikes me a bit as imitating 19th Century style (especially considering your character's name Eyre) rather than authentic modern people talking to one another.
There's a lot you could do with this several drafts down the road since you've definitely got the germ of a great idea here. But the above three things seem to me the most immediate places that need some extra attention.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2011-03-22 07:17 pm (UTC)You have a few problems that a simple proof read would fix, too. The ampersands in the first two paragraphs, for instance, which ought to be replaced by "and" like in the rest of the piece. And typos like: "he raised arched an eyebrow."
Character-wise, my main impression is that your dialogue reads a little too formally. Not like the way people actually talk. Things like, "I'm not much accustomed to gratitude." And, "Oh I do love it when I do that." It strikes me a bit as imitating 19th Century style (especially considering your character's name Eyre) rather than authentic modern people talking to one another.
There's a lot you could do with this several drafts down the road since you've definitely got the germ of a great idea here. But the above three things seem to me the most immediate places that need some extra attention.