Hoom... Well you asked for comment. I offer all of the following, not as "correction" per se, but as suggestions that you are free to take or reject as you choose. Please add random occurrences of "in my opinion", "I might suggest" etc. They're there, but if I put them all in, the comment would be twice as long, and it's pretty long already.
As I say to almost everyone, the spellcheck function is *not* your friend. You don't have very many infelicities in words, but, for instance "sparing" is one word, but "sparring" is what warriors do when they aren't actually trying to kill one another.
As Shayna noted, the exposition on the boy's history was intrusive. A simple comparison of Cathael's fair complexion and hair color to the darkness of the boys would serve until later.
Overall, I found Kumi to be engaging, Master Cathael to be drawn in a confusing fashion and the whole setup to be worth following. The writing, however, while well above average, needs a deal of work. When creating fantasy consistency is everything, and a clear view of your world and characters is imperative. Consistent ecology and economics helps, too.
For instance:
Dreadlocks... Dreads are an affectation, not a natural way for hair to hold itself. If the children are being trained as warriors, moreover, long hair will not be on the list of allowed grooming. Too many ways for it to get in the way or be a detriment. Kumi is more likely to just have a crown of tight curls (assuming normal Negroid hair patterns) Cleanliness is a military virtue due to close quarters, so dirt will be washed out on a regular basis. It is also unlikely that a successful and long-established training program will be using actual blades with teenagers. They will be training with half-weight heavily blunted wooden swords and will work their way up to high skill with those at increasing weight until they have finished developing. You don't waste your troops in training. The advantage of this is that Master Cathael's club is more likely to produce a shower of bark than his sword is.
If Cathael is supposed to be a "master sergeant" type, he needs to chew his words more, in my opinion. Sort of like this:
"Block, Kumi,block, not duck." The master's voice was tired.
"Sorry, Master Cathael. I panicked." Kumi looked to see where he had dropped his sword. It was only wood but he was supposed to hang onto it. There it was, just next to the master's feet.
"Lose your block, lose your head. Again."
"Yes, sir." Kumi picked up his sword and took his stance, sword forward ready to move. But the bruises hurt and it was easier to duck and dodge than block the master's moves.
Kumi stood....
There are many ways to write the same scene. A little later you write:
" “You stand as though you’re constipated,” the Master said, whacking the inside of Kumi’s legs with the flat side of his sword..."
I would suggest: "Stand wider," the Master said. His sword flicked out and he pushed the inside of Kumi's legs with the flat of his sword. It didn't hurt, but Kumi had to move, the Master was that strong.
"Wide stance gives you balance, options. Block me." Cathael swung, slowly for him. Kumi managed to block it by moving as fast as he could.
Etc.
Have you ever done fencing or any other kind of martial arts? You seem to have a partial grasp of what it means to fight. (Not that it's critical, really, but the more "real" background information is, the more real the world is, and the story." Read "Sheepfarmer's Daughter" by Elizabeth Moon for some good training scenes and pretty much realistic fighting.
Got to the next bit -- note that the fire magic would be a lot more effective with wooden swords... :)
You describe Jahari at the start as being basically all muscle, even in the head. His actions and words almost immediately belie that description, and he goes from a preparation for the reader to dislike him, to a sympathetic character. I like the more complex character.
If you want suggestions on how to handle sword-fighting in a medieval environment, please feel free to write me -- I have a bit of experience in the SCA and with steel as well.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2008-04-15 06:08 am (UTC)As I say to almost everyone, the spellcheck function is *not* your friend. You don't have very many infelicities in words, but, for instance "sparing" is one word, but "sparring" is what warriors do when they aren't actually trying to kill one another.
As Shayna noted, the exposition on the boy's history was intrusive. A simple comparison of Cathael's fair complexion and hair color to the darkness of the boys would serve until later.
Overall, I found Kumi to be engaging, Master Cathael to be drawn in a confusing fashion and the whole setup to be worth following. The writing, however, while well above average, needs a deal of work. When creating fantasy consistency is everything, and a clear view of your world and characters is imperative. Consistent ecology and economics helps, too.
For instance:
Dreadlocks... Dreads are an affectation, not a natural way for hair to hold itself. If the children are being trained as warriors, moreover, long hair will not be on the list of allowed grooming. Too many ways for it to get in the way or be a detriment. Kumi is more likely to just have a crown of tight curls (assuming normal Negroid hair patterns) Cleanliness is a military virtue due to close quarters, so dirt will be washed out on a regular basis. It is also unlikely that a successful and long-established training program will be using actual blades with teenagers. They will be training with half-weight heavily blunted wooden swords and will work their way up to high skill with those at increasing weight until they have finished developing. You don't waste your troops in training. The advantage of this is that Master Cathael's club is more likely to produce a shower of bark than his sword is.
If Cathael is supposed to be a "master sergeant" type, he needs to chew his words more, in my opinion. Sort of like this:
"Block, Kumi,block, not duck." The master's voice was tired.
"Sorry, Master Cathael. I panicked." Kumi looked to see where he had dropped his sword. It was only wood but he was supposed to hang onto it. There it was, just next to the master's feet.
"Lose your block, lose your head. Again."
"Yes, sir." Kumi picked up his sword and took his stance, sword forward ready to move. But the bruises hurt and it was easier to duck and dodge than block the master's moves.
Kumi stood....
There are many ways to write the same scene. A little later you write:
"
“You stand as though you’re constipated,” the Master said, whacking the inside of Kumi’s legs with the flat side of his sword..."
I would suggest:
"Stand wider," the Master said. His sword flicked out and he pushed the inside of Kumi's legs with the flat of his sword. It didn't hurt, but Kumi had to move, the Master was that strong.
"Wide stance gives you balance, options. Block me." Cathael swung, slowly for him. Kumi managed to block it by moving as fast as he could.
Etc.
Have you ever done fencing or any other kind of martial arts? You seem to have a partial grasp of what it means to fight. (Not that it's critical, really, but the more "real" background information is, the more real the world is, and the story." Read "Sheepfarmer's Daughter" by Elizabeth Moon for some good training scenes and pretty much realistic fighting.
Got to the next bit -- note that the fire magic would be a lot more effective with wooden swords... :)
You describe Jahari at the start as being basically all muscle, even in the head. His actions and words almost immediately belie that description, and he goes from a preparation for the reader to dislike him, to a sympathetic character. I like the more complex character.
If you want suggestions on how to handle sword-fighting in a medieval environment, please feel free to write me -- I have a bit of experience in the SCA and with steel as well.