Good beginning. You give the reader a sense that something horrible has happened. You can go in so many different directions from here. Did she have a past he didn't know about? A secret 'other life'? Did she see something she wasn't suppose to?
Bad Points
It's filled with fragmented sentences and incomplete thoughts. Example; *He sees her lying on the floor.[fragmented sentence] His world... the one person who understood him and loved him.[incomplete thought]
Punctuation is a bit of a bugger too. I have a problem with comma's. We don't like each other. :P
*His world... the one person who....* You don't need to put (....) just a comma will do.
I think once you've worked on this for awhile, you could have a good story. Just remember to answer the questions you posed. Good luck.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 01:31 pm (UTC)Good Points
Good beginning. You give the reader a sense that something horrible has happened. You can go in so many different directions from here. Did she have a past he didn't know about? A secret 'other life'? Did she see something she wasn't suppose to?
Bad Points
It's filled with fragmented sentences and incomplete thoughts.
Example;
*He sees her lying on the floor.[fragmented sentence] His world... the one person who understood him and loved him.[incomplete thought]
Punctuation is a bit of a bugger too. I have a problem with comma's. We don't like each other. :P
*His world... the one person who....* You don't need to put (....) just a comma will do.
I think once you've worked on this for awhile, you could have a good story. Just remember to answer the questions you posed. Good luck.
JL