This looks like a pretty good start. You have a good idea of your world and the events are nicely paced. I have quite a bit of advice though. Sorry that this comment is going to end up getting long; I am not very good at being succinct.
The first thing I would recommend is trying to get into the viewpoint of your characters more. In order for readers to feel as if they are "inside" the story, the story should tell things through the eyes of the characters - the ones to whom the story is happening. The characters in this story may live on a different planet from Earth, but they have no more reason to think about that than humans have to think, "We live on a different planet from Mars." As such, nobody in the story should say or narrate anything about how this unnamed planet relates to Earth, and nobody should say or narrate anything about how the planet's people are different from humans. Similarly, while the country these people live in may be named Mala'hek, they shouldn't refer to or think of their countrymen as Mala'hekians all the time; they have no reason to unless they are considering their country in relation to a different country. These people especially would have no reason to, since they aren't even aware that there are other peoples in their world. To them, another person would most likely just be thought of or referred to as "a person", "a man", "a woman", etc.
The things that need to become clear about these people - that they think they are the only ones on the planet, that they live on a different planet from Earth, that they all have blue skin, etc. - should come out naturally as you tell the story, rather than in a completely objective exposition at the start of the story. Such an exposition tends to put distance between readers and the story's world and characters, rather than drawing them in. If those details are truly important to the story's plot, they should end up becoming clear when they have to anyway.
This is a slightly different viewpoint issue, but it's also best to choose one character per scene and tell the story through their eyes. There's nothing wrong with changing viewpoints from scene to scene, but changing in the middle makes the scene a bit choppy and makes it harder to get an impression of who the characters are. Here you switch between the viewpoints of Vru, Emyll and Gaira fairly frequently. I would suggest just sticking to Emyll's viewpoint, since it seems to dominate, and getting into the other characters' heads later. Also, while sticking to that one person's viewpoint, be careful not to say things that person wouldn't know, like what another person is thinking, what will happen in that person's future, things that person can't see, etc.
I think that was all the long-winded advice I had, but here are a few smaller points that bugged me:
She would have flown away, but in her panic, had forgotten about her wings.
It seems that in this world, everyone has wings for all or at least most of their lives. I would expect them to be so used to them that forgetting about them would be similar to humans forgetting about their legs. Gaira's freezing up in a panic would make sense, but not escaping because she forgot she could fly seems a little more strange.
Emyll's performance was quite convincing, even without the memory-loss effects of the Unconscious spell she’d cast on Vru.
This is a pretty minor point, but this line contains some redundant explanation which makes it a bit more laborious to read than necessary. The reader already knows what kind of spell was cast, on whom, and by whom, so the line can simply read something like,
Emyll's performance was quite convincing, even without the memory-loss effects of the spell.
Beware of cases where you may be needlessly stating something the reader already knows. Repetition isn't necessarily bad though; it can be quite useful for adding emphasis and so forth. Here's a similar point:
He didn't see through Emyll's act; it was that good.
It's apparent from Vru's behavior that he doesn't see through her act, so there's no need to say it.
That was everything that struck me, I think. Again, sorry this got so long, but I really hope that at least some of this is helpful to you. Keep on writin'.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2008-08-28 12:31 am (UTC)The first thing I would recommend is trying to get into the viewpoint of your characters more. In order for readers to feel as if they are "inside" the story, the story should tell things through the eyes of the characters - the ones to whom the story is happening. The characters in this story may live on a different planet from Earth, but they have no more reason to think about that than humans have to think, "We live on a different planet from Mars." As such, nobody in the story should say or narrate anything about how this unnamed planet relates to Earth, and nobody should say or narrate anything about how the planet's people are different from humans. Similarly, while the country these people live in may be named Mala'hek, they shouldn't refer to or think of their countrymen as Mala'hekians all the time; they have no reason to unless they are considering their country in relation to a different country. These people especially would have no reason to, since they aren't even aware that there are other peoples in their world. To them, another person would most likely just be thought of or referred to as "a person", "a man", "a woman", etc.
The things that need to become clear about these people - that they think they are the only ones on the planet, that they live on a different planet from Earth, that they all have blue skin, etc. - should come out naturally as you tell the story, rather than in a completely objective exposition at the start of the story. Such an exposition tends to put distance between readers and the story's world and characters, rather than drawing them in. If those details are truly important to the story's plot, they should end up becoming clear when they have to anyway.
This is a slightly different viewpoint issue, but it's also best to choose one character per scene and tell the story through their eyes. There's nothing wrong with changing viewpoints from scene to scene, but changing in the middle makes the scene a bit choppy and makes it harder to get an impression of who the characters are. Here you switch between the viewpoints of Vru, Emyll and Gaira fairly frequently. I would suggest just sticking to Emyll's viewpoint, since it seems to dominate, and getting into the other characters' heads later. Also, while sticking to that one person's viewpoint, be careful not to say things that person wouldn't know, like what another person is thinking, what will happen in that person's future, things that person can't see, etc.
I think that was all the long-winded advice I had, but here are a few smaller points that bugged me:
She would have flown away, but in her panic, had forgotten about her wings.
It seems that in this world, everyone has wings for all or at least most of their lives. I would expect them to be so used to them that forgetting about them would be similar to humans forgetting about their legs. Gaira's freezing up in a panic would make sense, but not escaping because she forgot she could fly seems a little more strange.
Emyll's performance was quite convincing, even without the memory-loss effects of the Unconscious spell she’d cast on Vru.
This is a pretty minor point, but this line contains some redundant explanation which makes it a bit more laborious to read than necessary. The reader already knows what kind of spell was cast, on whom, and by whom, so the line can simply read something like,
Emyll's performance was quite convincing, even without the memory-loss effects of the spell.
Beware of cases where you may be needlessly stating something the reader already knows. Repetition isn't necessarily bad though; it can be quite useful for adding emphasis and so forth. Here's a similar point:
He didn't see through Emyll's act; it was that good.
It's apparent from Vru's behavior that he doesn't see through her act, so there's no need to say it.
That was everything that struck me, I think. Again, sorry this got so long, but I really hope that at least some of this is helpful to you. Keep on writin'.