Thanks. It's always good to get another writer's (or reader's) opinions on things that aren't entirely obvious to the one who's writing the story (i.e. me). I didn't realize it was kind of repetitive in places. The first chapter actually originally started with the paragraph beginning "Vru of Mala'hek sat on the grass..." but I just didn't like that beginning, and I still don't, and I couldn't think of anything very good to start it with. If you (or anyone else) has any suggestions for how it could start, feel free to tell me. I do mention throughout the story that the people have blue skin (I think the first mention of that is "Emyll's pale blue skin darkened with anger") and wings and all that, so maybe I should just delete the first paragraph.
I also never thought about the fact that Gaira forgetting about her wings would be like a human forgetting their legs. I'm actually laughing at my own mistake here. ("Oh, THAT elephant in the room. I thought you were talking about the one hiding behind the couch there.") Must change that. Freezing up in a panic does sound good, but she also "back[s] away and slip[s] on some wet leaves" so I'm not sure which to change. Or she could freeze in a panic after slipping. I think that would make sense, right?
I'll also fix up the other repetitive points you mentioned. Originally I'd had Vru actually fly away when Gaira yells at him to get help, but when he comes back he doesn't guess that Emyll killed Gaira when it was fairly freakin' obvious, especially since he saw her with her sword out, attacking Gaira. So I changed it. Oh, and he also came back alone which also didn't make sense considering Gaira had told him to get help.
I'll have to think about the story starting out with Emyll's viewpoint. I think it would be interesting, as she is (as is fairly obvious) the villain. (My favorite type of villain too--hot-tempered, sneaky, manipulative, and sarcastic. She's my favorite character to write.)
I don't know whether I said this before, but the first two chapters are actually based on a short story I wrote when I was about thirteen. Except that in that story, Gaira was the villain and her name was spelled Gyra, except that everyone pronounced it with a soft G and it's a hard G. And she's the one who kills Emyll, not the other way around. But the rest of the plot is very similar.
If chapter 1 has a lot of mistakes, the rest of the story probably does as well... sigh...
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2008-08-28 01:04 am (UTC)I also never thought about the fact that Gaira forgetting about her wings would be like a human forgetting their legs. I'm actually laughing at my own mistake here. ("Oh, THAT elephant in the room. I thought you were talking about the one hiding behind the couch there.") Must change that. Freezing up in a panic does sound good, but she also "back[s] away and slip[s] on some wet leaves" so I'm not sure which to change. Or she could freeze in a panic after slipping. I think that would make sense, right?
I'll also fix up the other repetitive points you mentioned. Originally I'd had Vru actually fly away when Gaira yells at him to get help, but when he comes back he doesn't guess that Emyll killed Gaira when it was fairly freakin' obvious, especially since he saw her with her sword out, attacking Gaira. So I changed it. Oh, and he also came back alone which also didn't make sense considering Gaira had told him to get help.
I'll have to think about the story starting out with Emyll's viewpoint. I think it would be interesting, as she is (as is fairly obvious) the villain. (My favorite type of villain too--hot-tempered, sneaky, manipulative, and sarcastic. She's my favorite character to write.)
I don't know whether I said this before, but the first two chapters are actually based on a short story I wrote when I was about thirteen. Except that in that story, Gaira was the villain and her name was spelled Gyra, except that everyone pronounced it with a soft G and it's a hard G. And she's the one who kills Emyll, not the other way around. But the rest of the plot is very similar.
If chapter 1 has a lot of mistakes, the rest of the story probably does as well... sigh...