First off, my apology, I haven't read the full chapters. Secondly, I am not even a pro so my suggestion may not mean much. Nevertheless I wanted to point few things out.
From what I can tell, please do be careful with posting your 'complete' work on internet; sometimes it's considered published, and editors/publishers may not purchase your writing. There are some ways to get around it though. Or if your intention was to practice and share the works, by all means. I think even wirters_loft suggest adding 'friends only' for some measure of protection.
Now that's over, I read the first paragraph and found few parts a bit.. stumbling. Here goes.
>>around her as she ran her fingers through her dark tangle of curls. >>market day was her favorite day of the week, because it was the only day >>she was allowed to leave her constant chores inside and see the sunshine >>and breathe the slightly fresher air of town.
I found the sentence a little awkward. Perhaps it's just me. For instance, does sun shine only on market day? Is she always inside, not even allowed out to hang clothes or carry something back and forth?
>>Tamlyn tip toed through the empty halls of the mansion careful not to >>wake the other servants or the masters of the house. She quickly gathered
comma after 'mansion'
>>her basket of goods to trade for the sweet delicacies the masters >>desired, and wrapped her tattered shawl around her shoulders.
I'm still learning but I believe you don't need comma there, or need a pronoun after.
>>Tamlyn slipped silently out the kitchen door into the grey of early >>morning. As she began the her long walk Tamlyn began to hum and by the
Not 'the her.' just 'her long walk,' as in "As she began her long walk, Tamlyn began to hum. By the time she reached the end of the driveway and the gates of the mansion, she had begun to sing softly."
Here, 'the end of the driveway and the gates of the mansion' is a bit too long. Perhaps you can mention one and mention the other in another sentence?
That's it for now. As I said, see if you can join online critique groups where posting your work would be protected. Again, I am new to LJ so perhaps it's already given that posting on LJ is safe and sound.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2009-02-11 08:43 pm (UTC)From what I can tell, please do be careful with posting your 'complete' work on internet; sometimes it's considered published, and editors/publishers may not purchase your writing. There are some ways to get around it though. Or if your intention was to practice and share the works, by all means. I think even wirters_loft suggest adding 'friends only' for some measure of protection.
Now that's over, I read the first paragraph and found few parts a bit.. stumbling. Here goes.
>>around her as she ran her fingers through her dark tangle of curls. >>market day was her favorite day of the week, because it was the only day >>she was allowed to leave her constant chores inside and see the sunshine >>and breathe the slightly fresher air of town.
I found the sentence a little awkward. Perhaps it's just me. For instance, does sun shine only on market day? Is she always inside, not even allowed out to hang clothes or carry something back and forth?
>>Tamlyn tip toed through the empty halls of the mansion careful not to >>wake the other servants or the masters of the house. She quickly gathered
comma after 'mansion'
>>her basket of goods to trade for the sweet delicacies the masters >>desired, and wrapped her tattered shawl around her shoulders.
I'm still learning but I believe you don't need comma there, or need a pronoun after.
>>Tamlyn slipped silently out the kitchen door into the grey of early >>morning. As she began the her long walk Tamlyn began to hum and by the
Not 'the her.' just 'her long walk,' as in "As she began her long walk, Tamlyn began to hum. By the time she reached the end of the driveway and the gates of the mansion, she had begun to sing softly."
Here, 'the end of the driveway and the gates of the mansion' is a bit too long. Perhaps you can mention one and mention the other in another sentence?
That's it for now. As I said, see if you can join online critique groups where posting your work would be protected. Again, I am new to LJ so perhaps it's already given that posting on LJ is safe and sound.
If anyone knows about such, please enlighten me.