She dawned her fanciest dress, still all tattered and worn
Should be "She donned her fanciest dress..."
... still all tattered and worn.
How? Can you do show here? "as she smoothed her faded burgundy skirts, she noticed another hole that would need to be patched. The already frayed hem had separated at the seam and was now torn..."
Her interest peaked, Tamlyn...
should be "Her interest piqued, Tamlyn..."
There are dozens of other things like this, and typoes (explaination - explanation) throughout. Spellcheck, and either hire an editor (or make friends with one), or comb this clean on your own before you send it to anyone.
If you're going to make this into a novel, don't be scared of length. You're painting a broad swath (which is fine for a first draft), but we'll want the detail of the people. Who are they, and what are their motivations and flaws?
Be consistent in your voice. If you're in Tamlyn's head, stay in Tamlyn's head. If you're third person omniscient, don't be afraid to get a little into everyone's heads for us.
This feels very medieval in tone. Is the title "Lady" not a title, but only an address? What differentiates between Sir, Lord, Mister, Master, and Dame, Lady, Mistress, and Miss? Nothing?
I only skimmed the chapters, but I will second the cautionary notice about posting your full work online. Also, I feel like you should be meaner to your characters. If you want to portray them as sweetness and light and only good things are happening the whole time, what's our motivation to read? I like to see characters face and overcome adversity. Where's the conflict?
Now, all that said, it's wonderful that you have this story in you. Keep writing it. Get to the end. Make these changes at the end if you have to. There may be large swaths of text you remove as you edit. That's ok. Keep at it.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2009-02-21 02:37 am (UTC)She dawned her fanciest dress, still all tattered and worn
Should be "She donned her fanciest dress..."
... still all tattered and worn.
How? Can you do show here? "as she smoothed her faded burgundy skirts, she noticed another hole that would need to be patched. The already frayed hem had separated at the seam and was now torn..."
Her interest peaked, Tamlyn...
should be "Her interest piqued, Tamlyn..."
There are dozens of other things like this, and typoes (explaination - explanation) throughout. Spellcheck, and either hire an editor (or make friends with one), or comb this clean on your own before you send it to anyone.
If you're going to make this into a novel, don't be scared of length. You're painting a broad swath (which is fine for a first draft), but we'll want the detail of the people. Who are they, and what are their motivations and flaws?
Be consistent in your voice. If you're in Tamlyn's head, stay in Tamlyn's head. If you're third person omniscient, don't be afraid to get a little into everyone's heads for us.
This feels very medieval in tone. Is the title "Lady" not a title, but only an address? What differentiates between Sir, Lord, Mister, Master, and Dame, Lady, Mistress, and Miss? Nothing?
I only skimmed the chapters, but I will second the cautionary notice about posting your full work online. Also, I feel like you should be meaner to your characters. If you want to portray them as sweetness and light and only good things are happening the whole time, what's our motivation to read? I like to see characters face and overcome adversity. Where's the conflict?
Now, all that said, it's wonderful that you have this story in you. Keep writing it. Get to the end. Make these changes at the end if you have to. There may be large swaths of text you remove as you edit. That's ok. Keep at it.