Tom was emerging from a fallow period. Months had droned into years as the summer's cicadas sang his soul to sleep like the songs of sirens.
These two lines are not compelling enough to make me want to read more.
In fact, I don't get interested until here:
The torpor that had him bound in wool would not lift. Not until the intrusion of The Other in the form of a girl.
But you still aren't saying anything. What is an Other? What is this about? I want to read more real content and less meandering metaphor.
----- Third man on the line, it was up to Brad to make the final presentations, to trim and garnish each plate.
This sentence is a grammatical nightmare. "As the third man on the line, it was up to Brad to make the final presentations by trimming and garnishing each plate."
... but what a figure! Trying not to audibly or visibly gulp, his gaze moved up the queenly form
What, exactly, is a "queenly form"?
There's not enough here to define the people or the relations. The tension could be better, and the build up could be clearer. I get that he works in a kitchen. I get that people are coming in and out. Is Brad some kind of hottie? Do the waitstaff flirt with him? Why are they so aware that his green eyes are the first and last to witness their comings and goings? Later you talk about his frame and his hair and blah blah blah, but this needs to be earlier to give credence to the former.
How does one be "poetic"? Cute I get, but what is poetic about someone's physical being?
Why does he "long" for eye contact?
What does someone's giant honking nose have to do with confusion about signals being exchanged?
You're painting him as the kitchen hottie, but he's also so awkward with the girls that he's trying not to "gulp" audibly or visibly when he catches a glance at a new figure? This seems really unlikely. People who are very physically attractive, who people flirt with actively, do not normally act like nerds. Why would he be so awkward if he is so attractive?
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2009-03-08 02:41 am (UTC)These two lines are not compelling enough to make me want to read more.
In fact, I don't get interested until here:
The torpor that had him bound in wool would not lift. Not until the intrusion of The Other in the form of a girl.
But you still aren't saying anything. What is an Other? What is this about? I want to read more real content and less meandering metaphor.
-----
Third man on the line, it was up to Brad to make the final presentations, to trim and garnish each plate.
This sentence is a grammatical nightmare. "As the third man on the line, it was up to Brad to make the final presentations by trimming and garnishing each plate."
... but what a figure! Trying not to audibly or visibly gulp, his gaze moved up the queenly form
What, exactly, is a "queenly form"?
There's not enough here to define the people or the relations. The tension could be better, and the build up could be clearer. I get that he works in a kitchen. I get that people are coming in and out. Is Brad some kind of hottie? Do the waitstaff flirt with him? Why are they so aware that his green eyes are the first and last to witness their comings and goings? Later you talk about his frame and his hair and blah blah blah, but this needs to be earlier to give credence to the former.
How does one be "poetic"? Cute I get, but what is poetic about someone's physical being?
Why does he "long" for eye contact?
What does someone's giant honking nose have to do with confusion about signals being exchanged?
You're painting him as the kitchen hottie, but he's also so awkward with the girls that he's trying not to "gulp" audibly or visibly when he catches a glance at a new figure? This seems really unlikely. People who are very physically attractive, who people flirt with actively, do not normally act like nerds. Why would he be so awkward if he is so attractive?