One thing about the writing I noticed (I only skimmed, and don't have time to give a thorough, in depth critique, sorry! I'll try to come back later and reread): You use a lot of passive voice. A lot of 'be' verbs, rather than action verbs. I find that the writing has more impact and comes across stronger if you use more action verbs, than 'to be'.
For example: It was an extremely mild Tuesday morning for mid-October. The sun was just beginning to melt the last fingers of frost that stubbornly clung to the ground, the water formed icy dewdrops that looked like broken glass covering the pavements and road.
Can be rewritten a bit to:
"Tuesday morning dawned mild and slowly warming. The sun rose, changing frost to icy dewdrops that glittered like broken glass on the pavements and road."
(Sorry, I had to find an example and that's the first one I grabbed.)
I'll try to get back later and give a more in depth look at it.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2009-04-02 10:46 am (UTC)For example: It was an extremely mild Tuesday morning for mid-October. The sun was just beginning to melt the last fingers of frost that stubbornly clung to the ground, the water formed icy dewdrops that looked like broken glass covering the pavements and road.
Can be rewritten a bit to:
"Tuesday morning dawned mild and slowly warming. The sun rose, changing frost to icy dewdrops that glittered like broken glass on the pavements and road."
(Sorry, I had to find an example and that's the first one I grabbed.)
I'll try to get back later and give a more in depth look at it.