I'm new here...

[rosalinda-143.livejournal.com]

Hey, everyone, I'm new here and I just wanted to ask you.., if you could tell me how you like my prologue, I'd like that very much. And since I don't know how to create a link, I'll just post my prologue on this post. So read it, tell me what you think of it, and give me suggetions.

Here it is:

I’m not normal and never will be. I work for a secret agency called Rose Thorn. They teach people as young as 13 and even blind people. They train them to fight, how to improvise, you name it: the martial arts, how to change your appearance in less than a minute, how to handle the pain of getting shot or just hurt in general.
Right now I’m their only agent that has photographic memory. And I started when I was 10 for reasons unknown. I was told my parents died in a car crash in the Rockies and that I didn’t have any other relatives to live with. So they said I could live with foster parents or my ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’ and their daughter or my ‘cousin.’
All my life I’ve been living a big fat lie and I hated it. No one ever understood me, because I’ve had more than 100 alter egos. My life was orderly, and simple until I met this one guy who would throw my world into chaos and confusion, the one guy who made me lost in my own life, the one guy who would change my view of the world forever.
The one guy whom I loved so much… it hurt.

So what do you think?

Comments

[jtucktattoo.livejournal.com]

Hey, nice to meet you.

I hope I don't come off as an ass, I don't mean to.

This sounds like a good concept. The idea behind the story. It's intriguing.

But it's not a good prologue.

It tells too much, too matter-of-factly.

Here's some issues:

a life with 100 alter egos does not sound orderly or simple. Plus she stated it was a life she hated.

Does she already know her parents weren't killed or does that come out? Here it's intimated she does already know it.

why is is important she has a photographic memory?

Why is it important they train blind folks?

There is some stuff to mine here, it just needs some cohesion. Of course I don't know anymore than what you wrote here. Let me know if you want to discuss anything I said.

I mean it all in niceness.

James

[rosalinda-143.livejournal.com]

No, no I like critique, it helps develope the writer or in this case... me. So thanks for the advice.

I would like to talk to you more, it'll help with making a better prologue.

Thanks again! I really do appreciate it.

Also, do you do any writing?

[rosalinda-143.livejournal.com]

Also I would like to add:

The thing is about the 100 alter egos sounding orderly is that, that was how she was trained. She grew up learnning how to mangage things like that. Does that make any sense? She hates it because no one usndertands her or the situations she gets into. But I will take that into consideration and who knows I might change it to make it make sense.

Well here's the thing, I can't really tell you 'cause that'll spoil the book. She was told that they died in a car crash, does that mean they did? You know agencies no-a-days, they don't tell us anything of the truth. But I just thought of something to add to it that will hopefully better explain it.

I just thought, that you should know what she can do, and who they train at the agency.

Also, what do you mean exactly by 'matter-of-factly'?

[xtricks.livejournal.com]

If this story is about her life and what it is, what she does and so on ... you're sort of giving away a whole bunch of the interest and tension by giving us a laundry list of 'what she is/what she does'.

Why do you need a prologue like this? Why can't you jump into the story? Show her using one of her alter egos in a job/case/taske (whatever it is she does), show her trying to keep a sense of self or whatever is the conflict that's going to come up in the story. Reveal the things you just lumped in a single paragraph over time - as they are now, they're not interesting.

[amethystrse.livejournal.com]

I this a prologue for a novel? It's very short. It’s also a little chaotic.

I’m no expert. But I think it would work better if you organized it a bit. One minute you’re talking a little about some secret agency and the next you’re talking about being an orphan and then you go on to this mysterious guy…all in 2 or 3 paragraphs.

I suggest spacing it out. Explain a bit more (though not too much if you want certain info to come about later. But you can hint at that info and then the reader, when they reach the point where you explain more, will go “Ah ha! So that’s it!” There’s no real way to do that…it’s different for everyone and as it’s your story only you will know how much to add now and how much to add later,

For example, the third sentence in the first paragraph sort of runs on a bit. Break it down and you might be able to not only add length but make the reader more comfortable with the story. In the second paragraph you start by saying that the main character is the only agent with a photographic memory and then you go onto his/her parents’ death. It might work better if you either explain a bit about the photographic memory or wait until later. Unless there’s something about the deaths of the parents that has to do with it.

In the third paragraph you talk about living a lie and then go on to talk about this guy. Is the guy part of the lie? Does he have to do with the alter egos? As someone who has had alter egos I can tell you that a life with them has very little order to it. This paragraph could probably be turned into a few. One where you talk about the lies. Another where you talk about the egos. And yet another one or two about this guy.

I hope this helps. Good luck with your story!

[curedolly.livejournal.com]

Hm yes i think I agree with the other posters - this sounds very interesting and works as a sort of introduction/synposis-thing - but I don't think you should, or need to tell all these things at once. Let them show instead. It will mean writing a longer introducion before the story that you've planned will take place, but it'll work much better :)

[magickeyboard.livejournal.com]

I agree with everyone above that this sounds more like a synopsis than a prologue and needs some refining and expanding but it is definitely intriguing and the kind of story that I would pick up in a bookstore and want to read more. You have the basis for a really fascinating universe and set of characters so I do hope you continue to work on it and write more. Maybe a way to help clarify some of it would be to just start writing the first chapter, jump into the action as xtricks suggested and let the story flow. Then once you have a better feel for what you want to do and where you're going with it go back and rewrite the prologue from there. :-) Just a suggestion and definitely take it with a grain of salt but I do like what you have so far and look forward to you sharing more with us.

[magickeyboard.livejournal.com]

By the way on a completely unrelated topic I ADORE your icon, cracked me up. :-D

[jtucktattoo.livejournal.com]

It's cool.

I don't mind if I can help.

I write too and have just about finished my first novel (urban fantasy, tweaking some things now, almost finished)

I like to think I am a good sounding board, and I am always honest.

James

ps: your privacy settings prevent me from responding by message. lol.

[rosalinda-143.livejournal.com]

ya, about that, how do i change the setting to let you reply? because I have no clue at all.

[davien.livejournal.com]

I agree with the rest that this tells too much, shows too little, and deprives us of the opportunity to experience a lot of tension.

If you're dead set on having a prologue, I'd rather see a compelling scene about Rose Thorn's deep past that takes on significant meaning by the end of the book - maybe even a scene that doesn't involve the main character at all, and see the main character introduced through her thoughts and actions in the first chapter.