Nice weather today...
Jul. 29th, 2009 05:38 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
fallenlives.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
writers_loftHi I'm sort of new (:
This is the quick beginning of a story. It's sort and a bit brief. Tell me what you think.. (any input is appreciated) Thank you!
Courtesy. It meant walking down a few blocks, to the general store, just to pick up some milk. It wasn't like a chore - where one was likely to be paid - rather it was a matter of dignity. Of course, the person presenting courtesy could easily ignore the act. However, leaving an old lady to walk down such a distance, in the rain, was just atrocious.
So that was how he found himself walking home clutching the handle of a wet, plastic grocery bag. The rain seemed to have slowed and it's attempt to penetrate the bag and the milk carton it contained discontinued. Even so the sky didn't clear. Huge gray clouds still covered the sun which had attempted to peek out earlier. It was so dreary out. One of those days you'd rather just sleep away.
"Ahh nice weather we're having today," voiced a character from behind the boy. He had not noticed following footsteps behind him. Feeling disturbed he turned to see the cheery, particular follower. It was a woman. She wore a long, tan coat the was much too big on her. Her hair wrapped in a scarf, and it shadowed her unseen face. She seemed relucant to talk, but her gloved hands were outstretched as she regarded the weather. Her hands, in a position that of a scale, slowly raised higher until they were over her head. There, she stopped in an eerie silence.
The silence was suddenly filled in by hushed voices. They resounded over and over again, but slowly they got louder. First starting as a whisper they turned into screams as loud as a clap of thunder. Dropping the plastic bag, so he might cover both his ears the boy found it did no good. Falling to his knees, in sheer pain, held his ears tightly. His eyes never leaving the woman. She was looking up at the sky now. People passing by didn't notice her strange strance, but rather looked oddly down at the crouching boy. They could not hear the voices. It started raining. The sheets of rain blocked his view of the strange woman. He could tell though that her gaze was now on him. Was she smiling? He couldn't tell. The sky lighted up dangerously, and he could already see what was to happen. Before he could open his mouth to warn the lady the light charged down directly in front of him. It was bright and burned his eyes, and soon everything was white and gone.
This is the quick beginning of a story. It's sort and a bit brief. Tell me what you think.. (any input is appreciated) Thank you!
Courtesy. It meant walking down a few blocks, to the general store, just to pick up some milk. It wasn't like a chore - where one was likely to be paid - rather it was a matter of dignity. Of course, the person presenting courtesy could easily ignore the act. However, leaving an old lady to walk down such a distance, in the rain, was just atrocious.
So that was how he found himself walking home clutching the handle of a wet, plastic grocery bag. The rain seemed to have slowed and it's attempt to penetrate the bag and the milk carton it contained discontinued. Even so the sky didn't clear. Huge gray clouds still covered the sun which had attempted to peek out earlier. It was so dreary out. One of those days you'd rather just sleep away.
"Ahh nice weather we're having today," voiced a character from behind the boy. He had not noticed following footsteps behind him. Feeling disturbed he turned to see the cheery, particular follower. It was a woman. She wore a long, tan coat the was much too big on her. Her hair wrapped in a scarf, and it shadowed her unseen face. She seemed relucant to talk, but her gloved hands were outstretched as she regarded the weather. Her hands, in a position that of a scale, slowly raised higher until they were over her head. There, she stopped in an eerie silence.
The silence was suddenly filled in by hushed voices. They resounded over and over again, but slowly they got louder. First starting as a whisper they turned into screams as loud as a clap of thunder. Dropping the plastic bag, so he might cover both his ears the boy found it did no good. Falling to his knees, in sheer pain, held his ears tightly. His eyes never leaving the woman. She was looking up at the sky now. People passing by didn't notice her strange strance, but rather looked oddly down at the crouching boy. They could not hear the voices. It started raining. The sheets of rain blocked his view of the strange woman. He could tell though that her gaze was now on him. Was she smiling? He couldn't tell. The sky lighted up dangerously, and he could already see what was to happen. Before he could open his mouth to warn the lady the light charged down directly in front of him. It was bright and burned his eyes, and soon everything was white and gone.
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no subject
Date: 2009-07-29 11:33 pm (UTC)maybe when he hears the voice you should say something like '"Ah nice weather we're having tody," voiced a character coming from the shadows somewhere behind him. The boy froze.' then u continue with what u were origanlly writing and maybe you could add 'Feeling disturbed he slowly turned to see the cheery, particular follower.'
i like how u gave the dicription of this mystery woman.
also how about instead of 'It started raining.' you could say something like, 'Little droplets of water started falling, faster and faster.'
And the very last sentence you could say something like, 'The sudden, intence brightness burned his eyes. And his vision started filling with white and then... nothing.'
Just some suggestions, hope u don't think badly of me. other than that, i really liked it... it was very intruging. good job. ^.^
no subject
Date: 2009-07-30 12:48 am (UTC)I might use that. I wasn't quite sure how to present how he passes out in the end, but that is a good idea.
Ohh and thanks for catching the rain there. I forgot that it hadn't completely stopped raining.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-30 01:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-30 04:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-30 04:50 pm (UTC)I'll definitely consider adding more details. As for the style of writing it is just a bit of a habit really. I suppose I could change the time frame or change a few words. (:
no subject
Date: 2009-07-30 06:45 pm (UTC)I do think you could just chop off the entire starting paragraph. Just have the boy walking home with the wet plastic bag in his hand in the drizzling rain. He's still a sympathetic character without the 'he's doing this for the old woman out of the pure kindness of his heart!' stuff.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-31 01:18 am (UTC)The beginning was mostly a ramble to get the story started, but I could cut it out. Now that I reread it I suppose it is a little cheesy. Haha (:
I'm glad to hear your opinion on the woman. I definitely want her to be mysterious, but I don't want it to be lacking details. Somehow I'll find a happy middle.
Thanks for your input!