Continuation.

[fallenlives.livejournal.com]

A continuation of Nice weather today... Since I can't come up with an title. Thanks to the everyone who gave me feedback I managed to revise the intro. The revised version is located on my journal. I didn't want to take up space posting it here. 

Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you very much. (:

At first, as the boy regained consciousness, his head was heavy and groggy. However, as his memories returned anxiety took over. Sitting up, a little too fast, the he tried to figure his location. He was on an unfamiliar bed in a room with dull, cream colored paint. The only furniture was the bed, an wooden chair, and a nightstand to the left of the bed. He was thankful to find a glass of water that was thoughtfully set on the maple stand. Taking a sip he realized how unbelievably parched he was. How long was he unconscious? Where was he? Most importantly, what had happened to the woman? Thinking so much, all at once, made his head hurt. Leaning back against the bed post he considered the events carefully. There was no way she could have survived.

"Yeah, I found him collapsed on the sidewalk," said a voice from down the hall. "Don't worry I'll take care of Petie," said the masculine voice reassuringly. Apparently, he had experience in sweet talking because soon he was bidding his farewell. The boy could already guess who the owner to the voice was, but his fears was confirmed with a thin face popped in the doorway. "Ahh you are awake Petie," said Drew.

"My name is Peter, not Petie," Peter objected sorely. The one thing he hated was when people, especially guys, used cutesy names for him. "Where am I?" he asked Drew.

"High on your horse, aren't you - Petie?" Drew crossed the room and pulled up the lonely, wooden chair and sat down. Giving Peter a glare from his dark framed glasses he continued. "You should at least thank me first. Carrying from the soaking wet sidewalk, which is a bad place to nap I must say, and into my house. Letting you stay in the guest room," he sniffed in disapproval.

"Since when was this your house?" inquired the boy fairly and leaned in to match Drew's gaze. "I see no need to thank you since your motives are clear. What you really want is to show how compassionate and caring you are to my sister." Grinning, in triumph, as the older boy's cheeks became a flushed red he knew he won. Breaking the death gaze he looked around the pale, guest room. It made sense, but it still seemed a bit plain even for a guest room.

Drew, defeated, sat quietly and dejectedly for a few minutes. After the moments of peace he stood up and began for the exit. "Now that your awake why don't I give you a ride home?" suggested the lengthy teen on his way out.

A bit annoyed that he had not waited for his reply Peter crossed arms frustratedly. After a few minutes of stubbornness he broke. Sliding off the bed, he exited the after Drew.

---

Peter was unpleasantly shocked discover how late it actually was. It was night already, and the moon was set in the sky. In addition, the ride home was stressful. The steady pulse of music from the radio seemed to help, but didn't get rid of the awkwardness. It was along the way that Peter realized he had forgot to ask what happened to the milk he had went through all the trouble to get. However, he didn't feel like asking Drew now. Not when the teen obviously seemed frustrated about something. So, he kept his worries to himself. After what seemed an long, exhausting ride, even though it was only ten minutes, they finally pulled into his a familiar driveway. "Thanks," Peter said quickly unbuckling his seat belt and prying the door open. Swiftly sliding out of the leather seat he slammed the door behind him. He gave Drew a final wave fair well, and was relieved to see a returning wave. So everything was okay.

Turning to the white, welcoming porch he began toward it with Drew's headlights lighting the way. Then, something caught is eye. It was was a white, plastic bag sitting carefully on the first step. When he took a look inside the ripped bag he was surprised to discover a carton of milk. Not just any, but the one he had purchased that morning. Relieved, he picked it up with care and began up the stairs. One thought snared in his mind at that moment. Who, just who had returned the milk? Drew would have given it to him at his house of course. So then, who returned it and how did they know it was his?

Comments

[rephen.livejournal.com]

An interesting short read. The mystery at the end really is ... well, mysterious. There are a few grammatical errors, along the way, though.

Is this going somewhere? Or are you winging it as it goes?

Well, keep on it :)

[fallenlives.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your input. I do have a general idea of where I want to head, but mostly I'm sort of winging it. I wanted this to be light read so you could get to know the character. However, I still want to keep a general sense of mystery about the milk appearing and the lady mentioned earlier.

As for grammar, well, I'm not that great. Haha. I hope you enjoyed it despite it's problems errors. (:

[rephen.livejournal.com]

I did enjoy it as a light reading :).

As for grammar, I think nontu's posts below covered everything quite well.

Good luck!

[nontu.livejournal.com]

In general, your story is suffering from the characters performing tons of miniscule actions that would be better off just assumed. Usually the reader is picturing what is happening in the form of a movie in their head. When you write "Character x performs action y to get to spot z" it's like having that camera focus in on that particular action, giving it a sence of importance. When you have that happen over and over and over again, the reader starts to assume it's safe to just skip any such action, as they are obviously *not* that important.

"The only furniture was the bed, an wooden chair, and a nightstand to the left of the bed."
Minor tweak: unless it's vital to the plot that the nightstand is at the left of the bed, you can just have it be a nightstand. The reader will automatically place it where it usually goes in their head. Reading further, I'd in fact make it "a wooden chair and matching nightstand with a glass of water on top" or the like. That way you won't have the somewhat clumsily put "maple stand" nor anything about thoughtful placements.

[nontu.livejournal.com]

"Taking a sip he realized how unbelievably parched he was."
Another minor tweak: it seems a bit silly that he'd be unbelievably parched yet only having a sip. Maybe change it to "parched he was and drained the whole glass." or the like.

"Ahh you are awake Petie," said Drew."
"Ahh" is more of a scream or startlement noise, generally speaking. Make it "Ah, you are awake!" or the like instead.

"Peter objected sorely"
Drop the sorely. The reader can assume he's unhappy just based on the objection bit.
"Where am I?" he asked Drew."
Make it a single statement as the reader already knows he's speaking to Drew.

"Drew crossed the room and pulled up the lonely, wooden chair and sat down."
We already know the chair is wooden.

"Carrying from the soaking wet sidewalk" should be carrying you from the etcetera.

"he knew he won" should be he knew he had won.

"Breaking the death gaze he looked around the pale, guest room. It made sense, but it still seemed a bit plain even for a guest room."
Remove the stray comma from between pale and guest. It made sense is a nonsensical statement to make about a room.

"Drew, defeated, sat quietly and dejectedly for a few minutes. After the moments of peace he stood up and began for the exit. "Now that your awake why don't I give you a ride home?" suggested the lengthy teen on his way out."

Dejectedly needs to be shot and buried. "After the moments of peace" makes no sense, even discarding the grammatic problems and "began for the exit" is awkward purple prose. Replace the whole sentence with something like "A few moments later he stood up and went for the door." Now that your awake should be now that you're awake or now that you are awake. Lengthy teen doesn't work, and we already know that Drew is an older youth to begin with. Why not simply make it "he suggested on his way out."?

"A bit annoyed that he had not waited for his reply Peter crossed arms frustratedly." does not work. Peter crossed his arms, frustrated that he'd not gotten a chance to reply would be better.

"Peter was unpleasantly shocked discover how late it actually was." should be "Peter was unpleasantly shocked to discover how late it actually was." and would be better without the unpleasantly, as we can already assume that from his being shocked by the late hour.

"It was night already, and the moon was set in the sky." is awkward. Try "It was already night, the moon clearly visible." as the moon does not typically appear outside the sky.

"In addition, the ride home was stressful." should be removed entirely. Show, don't tell.

"The steady pulse of music from the radio seemed to help, but didn't get rid of the awkwardness." does not work. It makes it sound like awkward is an object or a creature or something. In fact, I think you should remove this part too. Describe them being awkward, don't state that they are.

"It was along the way that Peter realized he had forgot to ask what happened to the milk he had went through all the trouble to get." This sentence is suffering and needs to go to the vet. Try
After riding in silence for a while, Peter realized he hadn't asked what had happened to the milk he'd gone to get from the store.

"He gave Drew a final wave fair well" should be farewell or goodbye.

"Turning to the white, welcoming porch he began toward it with Drew's headlights lighting the way. Then, something caught is eye. It was was a white, plastic bag sitting carefully on the first step. When he took a look inside the ripped bag he was surprised to discover a carton of milk. Not just any, but the one he had purchased that morning. Relieved, he picked it up with care and began up the stairs. One thought snared in his mind at that moment. Who, just who had returned the milk? Drew would have given it to him at his house of course. So then, who returned it and how did they know it was his?"

"caught is eye" should be caught his eye. "It was was" should be it was. Remove the comma between white and plastic. Sitting carefully should be just sitting, unless the bag is sentient.

[fallenlives.livejournal.com]

Holy.
That's a lot you caught there xDD. Thanks for taking the time to point it out. It'll help me edit and revise.
Thanks again (:

[fallenlives.livejournal.com]

nontu:
Okay. I definitely can see your point there. Overworking the actions can make it a little boring to read. I'll keep this all in mind when I go to edit and revise.
Thanks again (: