an old poem

[davien.livejournal.com]

In fairness to those I have critiqued, something of my own. Comments welcome.


We join with abandon.
The visceral comingling of flesh ensues:
a day of woes we leave behind,
tongues gleaning joy from salty-sweet
and textures we explore.

We sublimate our reserve,
and knowing how we cheat, our guilt.
As flesh slides in, skin slaps on skin.
Bone and flesh grind together,
a sordid dance of self destruction

during pleasant dinner conversation.

Comments

[polkadot-cat.livejournal.com]

Relatively small crits:

The use of "sublimate" is iffy.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sublimate

I think the speaker(s) would want to sublimate their guilt, but not their reserve.

Also, the last line standing by itself is iffy, as well. In poetry, unless it's done very well, if a line stands alone from other stanzas, it more often comes off as melodramatic, rather than gripping or impactful. Here, it might be a better choice to make the last line part of the second stanza, because 1) it might make more of a surprise (I actually glanced at the last line before reading the poem, just because it caught my eye) and 2) finding out the surprise would be kind of like finding an easter egg hiding under a leaf. It would make the surprise a little more--pleasant, for lack of a better word. If the whole surprise is hanging out there on its own, it seems like you're trying to make it more obvious, instead of tucking it neatly away.

This is well-written, with a particularly nice use of sound.

[thebonedawg.livejournal.com]

The first two stanzas produced an image in my mind about a man cheating on his wife. The last line, however, made me think that the adulterer is sitting at the dinner table with his wife, seemingly enjoying a pleasant dinner. But while he's doing this, his cheating escapades are running rampant in his mind. Therefore, I really think the last line should be left separate from the rest of the poem. I found it to have a more powerful punch that way. Like he's not just cheating on his wife, but he's able to create this facade that he's actually happy with her, despite the fact that he is unfaithful.

Great writing. I like that it's short and sweet, straight to the point. But I also found myself wanting to know more about this situation. Nicely done. =D

[davien.livejournal.com]

The original title (which I felt gave too much away) was "Mastication: Fornication for the fat"