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writers_loftHello. I am very new to this community and have recently started writing my own book(?) I would really love some feedback on it.
The story is about a man who is kidnapped and has to fake his own death but doesn't want to hurt the girl he is planning on marrying, his high school sweeheart. While he has 'dissapeared,' she thinks he is dead and falls in love with one of the cops who is working on her boyfriends dissapearance. When three years after they have burried 'his body,' he starts leaving her hints that he might still be around. She gets suspisious of this and starts doing her own investigating.
I'm not sure if thats the direction I will end up going with but its where I want to go. The story is kind of long already. I broke it down into the days so it doesn't seem so long. Thank you so much for reading and feedback, thoughts, ideas, anything would be awesome!!!!
February 7th, 2011
“I can’t do this to her! You don’t understand…” Caleb’s voice trails off; his head rolls down so his chin is resting on his chest.
“I believe I do understand!” Blane yells as he punches Caleb in the stomach. “You don’t have a choice anymore Caleb. Your time has run out. I’ve given you choice after choice after choice! You seem to come up empty handed every single time.”
“I can’t do this…” He whispers..
October 19th, 2008
“Ah! I can’t believe you got the Job! Baby, oh, this is so great! Everything is working out just like we had planned!” Lilly exclaimed. “When do you start?”
“I start on Monday…”Caleb said. “Hey I’ve got another call. Can I call you later?”
“I’m going to an art show with Anna at 5, so I will just talk to you tomorrow. I love you! Have a good night and I can’t wait to see you.”
“Ok. I love you too.” Click.
“Hello?” Caleb said when he switched lines. “Hello?”
“I need your help. Meet me in the park, under the bridge. Be there in a half hour.” Click.
What the fuck? Who was that? Caleb thought to himself. The voice was female and the only two females Caleb talked to in the past six months was his mother, Victoria, and Lilly. He sat down at his desk and looked at his phone. He went through all his contacts thinking of who this could be and didn’t come up with anyone. Caleb got nervous. He felt as if someone was watching him so he quickly got up and closed the blinds behind him. He sat in the dark for a moment then turned on the desk lamp just to his right. Under the light he saw a picture of Lilly and himself. Lilly had beautiful blond hair that flowed to the middle of her back. As he stared at the picture he got lost in her big green eyes. Caleb loved thinking about the first time he saw her. Caleb was a senior and Lilly was a junior. He was at basketball practice and noticed her walking over to the cheerleading tryouts. He remembered how time stood still and right then he knew she was the one. He watched her tuck her hair behind her ear and look over his way. She looked right through him, it was the worst feeling he had ever felt. Everyone knew who Caleb was. He was the best basketball player on the team and was always surrounded by someone. People treated him like a God. But, that feeling made him feel like a person.
He laughed to himself then, slowly opened the top desk drawer and pulled out a small black velvet box. He ran his thumb across the top of the box and closed his eyes. He slowly opened the box. Then, he opened his eyes and there it was the most beautiful ring for the most beautiful girl. He set the ring down next to the picture and looked at the two of them. He smiled and turned on his computer. He checked his flights and the moving schedules for the next two days.
Caleb still lived in Boston. Lilly had moved to New York a year earlier because of a Job transfer within her law firm. She wasn’t too happy with the timing, but she was on her way to the top and couldn’t turn back for anything. The day they said goodbye it was raining. He pulled her close and wiped away her tears. He watched her push him away and leave with tears running down her face. The next day she texted him and said ‘I don’t like this. Please don’t take that wrong. I love you. I just hate being apart from you.’ Then after that they were fine. The happy couple they had always been.
Now things would finally be falling back into place. Lilly and Caleb would be moving back in together and Caleb could finally ask Lilly to be his wife.
Caleb snapped back to reality by remembering the phone call. Should I go? Caleb asked himself. He got up and looked through the blinds at the street below. It was dark, windy, and raining. Caleb watched a young lady chase a boy across the street. Then, he watched a man in a business suit loose his umbrella. Caleb walked away from the window grabbing his phone and cat along the way. He walked to the front door and paused. He took a couple deep breaths and began his journey to the central park across the street.
As Caleb was walking down the stairs to the lobby door, an elderly man stopped him.
“You shouldn’t go outside when it’s raining. The rain brings trouble.”
Caleb looked at the man with suspicion then walked away. When he got to the front door he flipped up the hood on his jacket and quickly walked across the street. Caleb was amazed at how lonely the park seemed. During his last few visits with his dog, Chief, the park had been filled with laughter and color, now it was dark and cold.
Once Caleb got to the bridge he looked at his watch and saw he was right on time. Where is she? Caleb thought to himself. Caleb looked around and saw no one. His breath became deeper and he started to panic.
Then everything went dark.October 20th, 2008
“Officer I swear,” Lilly said through her tears. “I have no idea where he could be.”
“Lilly, we need to know everything. The last time you talked, what you talked about, who he talks to…”
“Okay!” Lilly said, cutting the officer off. “I really don’t know anything. I love Caleb. The last time I talked to him was last night. He told me he got the job at the hospital in New York. Then, he said he had another call and we said goodbye.” Lilly started crying harder and fell to the floor. “This can’t be happening.”
The officer kneeled down beside her, “Lilly,” he started as he wiped away her tears, “We’ll find him. If you need anything please call. Here’s my card, my cells on there too, just in case.”
Lilly looked at the card and forced out a smile. “Thank you Ryan.”
Ryan walked away and stole a quick glance as he left the room. He closed his eyes and painted that picture in the back of his mind. From that moment on, every time he closed his eyes he saw Lilly, holding a bass hound close to her heart, crying.
“Slick move.”
Ryan quickly snapped back into reality. “What?” He answered confused.
“Call me if you ever need anything.” Jack mimicked him.
“Oh, fuck off. You know you would’ve done the same thing. She’s going to stay here and you know it. They could go after her too. It’s nothing more than to make her safe.”
“Well her boyfriend, Caleb, was packing up for something.”
“Moving to New York, she said he’s moving to New York with her. He got a job at the hospital.”
“Well, maybe we should check it out, see if it’s legit.”
“Yeah, you do that.” Ryan said as they started walking out of the apartment.
After the police left, Lilly decided to get up and walked down the hall to the office. She decided to write an email to her supervisor telling her everything that happened and ask if there was any way she could work from Boston. Lilly sent the email and waited. She sat in the chair and looked around the room. It was empty. The only things left in the room were the laptop, desk, chair, and a lamp. Under the lamp was a picture of her and Caleb. She looked at him in the picture. They had just graduated high school. Both of them were wearing their black robes. He was holding her in his arms. She had one leg up in the air and both arms around his neck. He was looking at her and laughing. She had her head tilted back and was laughing with her eyes closed. It was a moment of laughter, love, and happiness all caught in a photograph. She looked at the picture closer. His hair was blond and shaggy, now it’s short and brown. His big blue eyes filled with youth had quickly faded after he started medical school. But, Lilly still loved looking at them. She still found him handsome and stunning. She loves him more and more every day.
Lilly smiled to herself then got up and looked out the window. It was raining. She watch a homeless man cross the street and thought to herself how lonely he must be. “Hopefully he isn’t as lonely as we are Chief.” She said to the dog.
She left the room and walked into the hallway. She took a left down the hall to the master bedroom and saw everything was already boxed up. The only things left was their king size bed, the matching dresser and nightstands, and the bench he made for her in high school. She walked over to it and ran her hand across it. It was covered in dust. Caleb hated dusting. He hated cleaning period. And, he was messy, so she found it strange that his stuff was already boxed up and labeled.
She shrugged her shoulders and walked into the master bathroom. The walls in here were white. The floor was white and the tub, the toilet, and the sink were also white. She hated this room but, Caleb loved it. So she left it for him.
She turned on the water and let it fill the tub. She grabbed her towels out of the closet and sat them on the toilet seat. She slowly undressed herself, taking off her bottoms first then her top. She looked in the mirror at herself. She had blond hair that, once she took it out of the bun, fell to the middle of her back. Her green eyes sparkled in the light. She got in the tub slowly, right foot first, and followed by the left. She slowly lowered herself into the water and turned off the faucet. She closed her eyes and fell asleep.
When Lilly woke up it was late, around 11 P.M. She got up, quickly dried off, and dressed herself. She put on Red cut-off sweats with a white t-shirt. She threw her hair up into a bun and walked out of the room and into the kitchen to feed the dog. She opened the pantry door to find it empty.
“What the…?” Lilly started.
Lilly opened every cupboard door and there was nothing there. Not even a bag of chips. How long has he been without food? How long has Chief been without food? She thought to herself.
“I have to go get you some food boy.” She said as she pet the dog goodbye. She threw on a sweatshirt and tennis shoes and hurried out the door.
Lilly walked down the stairs to the lobby and was stopped by an elderly man sitting on the bench. He was soaked, wearing only jeans, a t-shirt, and a hat. I noticed a wet trench coat lying beside him.
“You came from that mans’ apartment. I saw him walk into the park a couple of days ago. It was raining like this. He never came back.”
“Um, thank you.” Lilly said puzzled.
She rushed out the door and took a couple of deep breaths. She leaned up against the building and put her hood up. She looked left, then right, and then left again. Not a single person in site. “What in the fuck was he doing going into that park while it’s raining?” She said out loud.
“Ryan…” She said without realizing it. Lilly got out her phone and pulled out his business card. She flipped it over and quickly dialed his cell number.
“This is Ryan. I can’t get to the phone. Please leave a message and I’ll call back.” Lilly hung up. She then started back on her way and headed down the street to the convenience store on the corner.
By the time she got there it had finished raining and she had taken her hood down. She pushed through the big glass door and walked around the corner and grabbed herself a basket, Chief wasn’t the only one who was going to need food. She turned and walked through the second set of glass doors into the main store. There were two young men standing by the cash register talk to the girl working the checkout. They were dressed in baggy pants and shirts that were four sizes to big with hats on backwards.
Lilly picked up a gallon of milk and felt her phone vibrate. She quickly grabbed it from her pocket and answered, “Hello?”
“Lilly?” Ryan asked surprised.
“Ryan?”
“Yes, are you okay?”
“Uh, yes. Well, no. Not really.”
“What’s wrong? Where are you?” He said in a protective tone.
“I’m at the store Chief and I needed some food.”
“Okay.”
“Well, when I was leaving the apartment building and elderly man stopped me. He said he saw Caleb leave a couple of nights ago and go into the park.”
“Wow. Did he say anything else Lilly?” Ryan was getting excited.
“Just that it was raining.” Her voice trailed off.
“What else Lilly? What else did he say?”
“That he never came back.” She said holding back the tears. She wasn’t going to let herself lose it right here in the middle of the produce isle.
“Oh, Lilly I’m so sorry.” Ryan started.
Lilly hung up the phone, put the milk away, grabbed a small bag of dog food and walked up to the checkout counter. The two boys moved aside and let the young lady ring up her order. They all politely said goodnight and she left the store, tears running down her face.
Shit. Ryan quickly jumped out of bed and threw on some sweats. He ran downstairs to his apartment garage and got in his car and drove the four miles to where Lilly was staying. Once he parked his car, he got out and ran into the lobby. He saw an elderly man sitting on a bench. The man waved as Ryan ran past. He jogged up the stairs and knocked on her door. Lilly opened the door. Ryan’s heart broke. There she was soaked and crying. He pushed the door open and pulled her close. “Lilly, I am going to find him. He’s going to come home.”
“No, no he’s not. I can feel it. I don’t even want to be in this apartment. Nothing feels right. There’s so much out of place, so much I can’t explain. I’m a lawyer. I fight people’s battles for them and explain things they can’t. So why can’t I fight for myself? Why can’t I explain this?”
He pulled her closer. “I don’t know Lilly.” He looked deep into her beautiful green eyes and wiped the tears off her face. She pulled him close and took a deep breath. She let go of him and invited him inside. He shut the door behind himself and took off his shoes. Lilly went into the family room and sat down on the cold black leather couch that Caleb had to have. Lilly hated leather. It was cold and uninviting. Ryan walked over by her and grabbed the blanket from the box next to the couch. He sat down next to her and put it around her.
“Feel better?” He asked.
“Yeah,” Lilly looked at him and smiled. It was a childish smile. The way you smile when you fall for someone new, a very shy smile. She looked at him, really took him in. He had short dark hair and big brown eyes. They were warm and they made her feel safe. Ryan was built. He had muscles in places she didn’t know existed. He was glowing even though the room was very dark and his smile made her spine shiver. It scared her. Caleb never made her feel that way.
“I think I should go,” Ryan started. “It’s getting late and I have the early shift tomorrow.”
“Please stay…” Lilly responded without realizing it. Something about having Ryan in the room with her made her feel safe, like nothing bad was even going on in her life.
“Lilly.”
“Please?” She said giving him a sad, puppy dog, sort of expression.
Ryan laughed and agreed. He looked at her smiling back at him and loved how happy she looked. He remembered her hours ago with tears streaming down her face and now she was laughing as if nothing was even wrong. He watched her get up and walk down the hall to the guest bed room.
“You can have the master bedroom. That bed is nicer.” She yelled to him.
Ryan got up and followed her to the room she decided to stay in. He leaned himself up against the door frame and watched her take off her sweatshirt and pull the covers to her twin sized bed back. She sat on the edge of the bed and took off her socks and cut-off sweats. He watched her get up and walk over to him with grace, as if she was on ice, gliding toward him. He smiled at her and she smiled back.
“Thanks.” She said.
“Anything for you.” He replied.
He bent down and pulled her fragile body close to him and squeezed her tight. He took in a couple deep breaths and could smell her clean body. He smiled to himself then let go. She walked away and climbed into bed. Ryan took one last look around the room, closed his eyes, walked away, and went down the hall further into the mast bedroom. He sat on the bed and saw a piece of paper under one of the night stands. He got up and knelt down to pick up the paper. It had a phone number on it, no name, just a number. Ryan slipped the paper into his pocket and laid down to sleep.
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Date: 2009-09-25 11:13 am (UTC)There are a few puntuation errors specifically in your dialogue that I think you could revise.
I really like the idea of telling it day-by-day, but you could make this a lot snappier and far more original. My major problem with this was, while you have a good idea about vocab and spelling and stuff, your characters are very cookie-cutter. Caleb was the best basketball player on the team, "a beautiful ring for a beautiful girl" and he and Lilly seem to think about each other in a heightened romantic way. Besides it being very unbelievable, how does Lilly possible begin to fall for Ryan after a day? Surely if she loves Caleb so much, Ryan's muscles wouldn't even register to her.
You really need to explore these characters and their relationships, because this is what drives your story. You need to get away from the cute coupling of Caleb and Lilly, create personalities for them (particularly Lilly) and create problems for them. Show more of them, perhaps a scene where we can see how they react physically to each other. Maybe we should see tensions there so that we can forgive Lilly for loving Ryan so soon. Right now, she comes across as very weak, not able to stand on her own. And lengthen this. Show conversations, build up of trust between Lilly and Ryan, gradually, so that when Caleb has been missing long enough, she is ready to start again.
"His hair was blond and shaggy, now it’s short and brown... She loves him more and more every day."
You jumped to present tense here, so make sure you change it and keep in your head the tense you're using.
Also, cut back a bit more on the backstory of Lilly's job. We don't need to hear it. Reveal it a little later through dialogue and stuff like that.
All that said, you definately have a good base to jump from here, and you obviously know how to write and convey a certain tone. Good luck, hope to see more from you! :D
Thank you
Date: 2009-09-26 06:05 pm (UTC)I want to get the whole story down so I can get out everything that I have stored up in my head before I change go through and edit.
I will for sure keep you all posted!
Again thank you for your advice and knowledge. Also thank you for taking the time to read what I have written so far! :)