My introduction. a short story.

[inkandabsinthe.livejournal.com]

 I saw Jodie’s Post and thought I would follow suit.

Name: R.J Dale

Age: 31

Date of Birth:  1^st of April, no seriously.

Gender: male

Sexuality: Straight

Location: Sacramento California, U.S
Occupation: Writer 

Hair: mousish
Eyes: Hazel 

Ethnicity: Roma

Language: English

Marital Status: In one

Looking for: Feed back , friends, networking

Tattoos/Piercings: a bat on my right arm

Religion: N/A

Do you want LJ friends? Yes

Do you want Snail mail pen-pals? no

About me (basics): I am a 31 one year old writer of screenplays novel and poetry struggling to get published.
Hobbies: Writing, cooking, travel, medieval history martial arts,

Music: Nick Cave, Tom Waits.
Books: You betcha ;)

TV: I rent True blood DVD’s that is about it

Movies: Indie, and foreign. I repfer drama tragedy and horror.

I oticed there was not a section about what we write, so I thought I would add it.

Screenplays, Novels, and Poetry. I prefer  Tragedy and drama's but love a supernatural or histrorical element. I have been writing since I wasin the first grade. I decided recently to  take what i have done and do more withit than let it grow brittle on its paper.

Umm, heh. Wrong version of the story, sorry about the lj cut.
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Comments

[thorarosebird.livejournal.com]

Yikes, you're LJ cut isn't working. :(

[thorarosebird.livejournal.com]

Well, I came back and read this and I think you have a very bittersweet story here, with a lot of reflection and emotion.

From the beginning, you do have problems with your tenses. "The woods outside my home were" and "They are dense" contradict each other, so make sure you sort through this carefully. There are also a lot of small spelling errors that could be fixed with a good proof-read.

You also spend too much time describing, or looking back. That isn't always bad, but the roundabout way you phrase things makes it seem very clumsy. "the second youngest was bit on the hand for unwarranted groping of one of our aquatic guests" <- I'm sorry but this made me laugh for the wrong reasons. You could have just said "Dana prodded one and it bit her" or something like that. Obviously not as blunt as that but...

"The whole of the place was large, and homey but also very ominous. It however failed to dwarf the lone maple tree out front. That maple tree in turn contrasted greatly with the huge evergreens that stood behind, like pikes from a gigantic army in a maddened formation." I think your transition here could have been better. You say ominous and that's interesting, and you suddenly change to how tall the trees are; why is this important?

"the once victim of a random duck attack" <- couldn't this just be Dana? Or Dana, the victim? At first I didn't realise who you meant.

There's a lot of phrases and sentences like this. I think you ought to simplify what you're trying to say, write the bare bones of it first, and then build on adjectives and stuff like that. Pull back some of the story about his business, focus more on the interactions at the funeral and dialogue between the siblings. “Robin never knew about the fish, none of us ever told him about you Brian and the other guys filling the it was why the pond was never empty.” <- this doesn't make much sense, I wasn't sure what she was referring to.

Like I said though, this is a really nice reflective piece. Pull a lot of the wordiness back and I think it will be much improved. :) Sorry if any of this sounded harsh, it wasn't meant to be.

[south-standsup.livejournal.com]

LJ-cut please.

[aeriedraconia.livejournal.com]

Please try your lj-cut again.

Cheers,
Your Friendly Neighbourhood Mod