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writers_loftOh, and here's my intro, if anyone cares to read it... (borrowed from a few posts down, hope you don't mind!)
Name: Devin
Age: 16
Date of Birth: July 6
Gender: female
Sexuality: bisexual
Location: Seattle, WA
Occupation: Student
Hair: Darkish blond and curly
Eyes: Bluish gray, sometimes greenish
Ethnicity: Mostly Swedish and Scottish, but a little French and Native American. Basically, white.
Language: English, but I'm learning Japanese as well. And I'm fluent in Pig Latin, if that counts.
Marital Status: Not single, but most definitely not married.
Looking for: Friends, feedback, and inspiration
Tattoos/Piercings: Two piercings in each ear, no tattoos yet...
Religion: None
Do you want LJ friends? Yes!
Do you want Snail mail pen-pals? Not really...
About me (basics): I'm a little bit random, pretty geeky, very hyper (I have ADHD), and my writing tends to be dark although, in general, I'm a very happy person.
Hobbies: Motorcycling, sailing, drawing, writing, video games
Music: Mainly rock and alternative, some techno, punk and metal
Books: I like fantasy, manga and sci-fi. I've read almost every book in my house... My favorite books are Slaughterhouse Five, Odd Thomas, the Time-Travelers Wife, Hairstyles of the Damned, Peeps, and the House of Night series.
TV: Bones, NCIS, House, some cartoons and anime (I love Cowboy Bebop!) and random crappy reality shows
Movies: Rocky Horror, I Am Legend, V for Vendetta, My Favorite Year, Kamikaze Girls, Zoolander, and Dororo.
It was dusk, and the City’s hum filled the background. There were no voices; no one spoke. No animals made any noise. They had all been banned years ago, by the Others. The only noise was the quiet shuffle made by the People on the sidewalks, passing each other, but not looking. Never looking. They were too busy working, being productive, ensuring the survival of the City. That was the only important thing now. It was all that mattered. Everything else was gone.
The City was beginning to shut down for the night, people flooding out of the Offices, leaving their jobs for their homes. Not that there was much difference, She thought as She left the building where She worked. Ninth floor, second from the top, in the small cubicle at the end of the hall. All day, She was surrounded by cold hard machinery and blank walls, typing what they told her to type, the only sound the incessant click-clack of the keys as she punched out streams of data. Data that only depressed her further. She walked out into the street, filled with crowds, yet silent. In the crowds, they all walked alone.
She walked slowly, methodically, the hard soles of her boots rasping slightly as they slid across the metallic tiles. She stopped at the corner, clutching her green uniform coat tightly against the cool autumn wind. Her amber colored hair blew softly, merrily around her face. The elements were the only free ones here, She thought, and even they were imprisoned, inside cells of cold metal and reflective glass. She looked up at the bright lights of the City, glowing like fireflies against the cold night sky. Suddenly, She felt empty. Her heart hurt, and it was as though She couldn’t breathe. It was as though She was suffocating, the silence building up inside her, a blinding pressure inside her head. It all made her want to scream.
Hot tears began to pour down her cheeks, trickling gently off her slightly pointed chin, falling to soak the material below. What was this feeling? It was as though She was alone in this world. In this deafeningly, maddeningly silent world.
Two streets away, He squatted on the steps, his seat brushing the cool, hard metal, sending a chill up his spine. He lit a cigarette, one of the few indulgences to survive the Reinvigoration. He inhaled vigorously, feeling the smoke flood his lungs as He looked around at the street, at the people passing. No one looked up as they walked, going about their lives without looking at the world. He exhaled. The City was barren, a sterile silver prison. There were no animals, no trees, no life. Even the People were dead… hollow shells, the souls inside numbed by the world, all life leeched away. All enjoyment gone. The only things left alive were the stars, and they were so far away. The City was sick.
He took another drag.
Finally, She could breathe again. She inhaled deeply, the cool air filling her lungs. She wiped away her tears and continued walking, trying to ignore the tight feeling in her chest, that dull ache. She was lonely, so damn lonely. But it was no use. She kept walking. She had to get home. The Hour of Sleep was approaching. She didn’t want to get caught. She couldn’t afford to get caught.
He exhaled again, feeling the warm air rush against his chapped lips. The streetlights were starting to be extinguished, spidery workers in their blue canvas coveralls shutting them down. He could hear a rhythmic tapping coming down the sidewalk, the sound of someone hurrying to get home, carelessly stamping their feet. From his perch on the steps of apartment 9217, He watched as a woman strode down the street, her shadow dancing over the silver buildings.
She stared down at the black tiled sidewalk, watching her feet in their heavy black boots trace the same tired old path. She did not look up. Suddenly, She heard a noise. A human voice. It took her a second to react, so unused She was to hearing a voice. A man stood beside her now, his voice gravelly. He was saying something.
“Watch where you’re going. You almost walked out into the lanes.” She processed the words. She had almost wandered off the street, into the travel lanes, filled with speeding buses, trains, and cars, speeding by like silvery bullets. She would’ve been flattened. He had saved her, a complete stranger. Why? It would only bring him trouble. If they were seen talking... Finally, She looked up. Looking off the path.
He studied the strange woman, seemingly so like himself. She was of medium height, thin. Her light skin seemed to glow in the faint light, as They shut down the streets.
Boldly, She studied him back, her eyes consuming him, the first person She’d looked at, really looked at, in a while. He was tall, his dark hair glossy. His white shirt was stark against his tan skin, the sleeves rolled up over his forearms. His eyes were green, an unusual shade, almost like her own, with small flecks of gold around the iris.
She was like him, He thought. Still human, still warm, still alive.
They stood there, looking at each other, simply a man, simply a woman. XY and XX, as they used to teach students, back when there were students. They stood there, reliving the memories of how it used to be, the good times, before the Others. The streets were quiet around them, deserted, as the City shut down. The final lights on the street were extinguished, and for once, the sky was visible. The stars twinkled above them, so different from the cold, harsh fluorescence they were used to. They looked up, the stars reflecting over and over again on the metal buildings, shining on the streets. They held each other there, on the empty street corner, the only life in the stainless steel City.
Well, what do you think? Constructive criticism is encouraged, but please try to be nice!
Also, competition! Anyone know what "Alethea" means?
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no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 12:09 pm (UTC)her boots clicking slightly as they slid across the metallic tiles
How can boots click when they're sliding?
The only noise was the quiet shuffle made by the People on the sidewalks
If they're all wearing uniform clothing, why are her boots the only ones that click?
The elements were the only free ones here, She thought, and even they were imprisoned.
Imprisoned by what? Are they somehow controlled? They seem free enough.
He exhaled again, feeling the cool night air chill his chapped lips
How do you feel the cool night air when you're exhaling? IME, you feel the heated air from your breath when you do that.
He heard a rhythmic tapping coming down the sidewalk, the sound of someone hurrying to get home, carelessly stamping their feet
I thought she was in a crowd of people? Where did they all go?
He had saved her, a complete stranger. Why? It would only bring him trouble.
How can telling someone not to walk into traffic cause trouble? Some things you can get away with just hinting at, like the fact that she "can't afford" to get caught out after the Sleeping Hour. It doesn't matter really whether it's literal or figurative, whether the punishment is a fine or something worse, but where is the crime in warning someone to be careful?
They are also, apparently, on an extremely busy street. Is there no noise from that? It's possible that vehicles in this world are silent, but up until that moment, we get the impression of solitude, lonliness, and emptiness. Then all of a sudden the world is filled with traffic. That's fine if the story were entirely in the woman's point of view -- she's obviously paying no attention to it -- but the man is watching and observing and saw the danger.
I would also advise to guard against using the passive voice too much.
I really like the way you capitalized the nominative pronouns (he, she). I did notice you didn't also capitalize the possessive ones (his, her). That's very interesting, and suggests some cool stuff going on.
Hope that helps!
no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 08:42 pm (UTC)The boots are clicking because they're traveling over the cracks between the sidewalk, and they have a bit of a heel... I don't really know, that's just what it sounded like to me.
Again, I'm not sure about the clicking, that's just how I described it. But also, when I was thinking about uniform clothing, I was thinking more as in jackets and pants. Thanks for pointing that out!
The elements are imprisoned as in they're in a city, all covered up by glass and steel, so there's not much "nature".
Bwa... sorry. That was a quick add, I wasn't thinking. I'll edit it...
The people were slowly peeling off, going to their houses... but she lived a bit further away.
It would cause him trouble because people aren't really supposed to interact in the City. I don't know, it made sense to me...
Hmmmm... valid point there. I didn't really think of the lanes as part of the City, more as sort of an extra, outside section... I may have to fix that. I wrote this all in one go, without really thinking, so I should probably do some editing.
I used mainly passive because I sort of wanted it to be like an observed report... but I'll try to rethink that.
I capitalized He and She because I wanted to emphasize that people here have no individuality, are simply numbers. I'm hoping that came through...?
Anyway, thank you for the critique! Sorry for the epically long reply, but I'll do some more editing, so please check back. Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 05:25 pm (UTC)Just one thing: in the last two paragraphs you switch the viewpoint from her to him and back in the space of a few sentences... it seems a little off.
Is this a one-shot or will there be more? :)
no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 08:33 pm (UTC)Also, I haven't seen Equilibrium... what's it about?
no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 08:51 pm (UTC)http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0238380/
no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 10:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-06 01:50 am (UTC)Agree w/ sirene: has tastes of Equilibrium, along with THX-1138, and maybe a bit of Brazil (but quieter). The viewpoint switching confused me a bit at first, but I think that could be fixed simply by an extra blank line or two between his and her viewpoints.
If you want to immerse yourself in a dystopic mind-set marathon, there's a list at http://snarkerati.com/movie-news/the-top-50-dystopian-movies-of-all-time/
Some on the list I don't see as dystopic, like Starship Troopers and Escape from New York, but there are some really good ones there, including the above as well as ones like Metropolis, Fahrenheit 451 and more.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-06 04:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-05 08:50 pm (UTC)I like the world you've created and i like the sense of mystery. Intersting format and overall very good!
I like it a lot. :)
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Date: 2009-10-05 10:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-06 10:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-06 10:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-07 01:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-07 01:48 am (UTC)