Agryl

[xesaul.livejournal.com]

Title: Agryl
Genre: Fantasy
Rating: PG-13
Summary:  It was a pact written in blood centuries ago, now it seeks retribution. What was once done cannot be taken back. It thirsts for blood as the Dark Lord searches for Agryl. (pretty much I suck at summaries...sorry >>)

Comments

[nontu.livejournal.com]

I had great difficulty figuring out what you were trying to say. There's a guy. He is stunning, and... thinking even though he is sleepy? Wait what? Is he this 'MOrtalitas', or is that someone else? Or is he this Robun person? And then there's a Saranoth and a Favalon and dear god this is just the *third paragraph*. You want to intrigue the reader and hook him/her in, not bewilder them to the point of finding something else to read. Show, don't tell. Show me who these people are and why I should care, don't just drop fantasy-style names and assume I'll remember and keep up right away.

[xesaul.livejournal.com]

Thanks, you're the first and only person who's offered a brutal honest opinion to me about my story. But the thing is, I honestly don't know how to show. To me, I think I'm writing my story the right way. I've always known that I "tell" instead of show...I just don't know how to fix it...and what not. >_

[xesaul.livejournal.com]

I wanted to make another response, just saying how much of a genius I think you are for being the only person to tell me about my style. I found an amazing article on tips on how to show and not tell. I'm going to try rewriting it following the advice. Thanks a bunch. I appreciate it more than you know. I think you telling me this will help me (hopefully) become a better writer.

[nontu.livejournal.com]

Hurray! I'm very glad you found my critique that helpful.