Needs Edit Desperately!
Oct. 28th, 2009 04:41 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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writers_loftThis is for school and I need someone - just one - to critique my -- I mean our story. Our being my group I was in. I'd just like to say: bear in mind I was working with three teenage boys so I don't care about the logic, the characters, and the fact that this isn't very believable. I just need spelling, and grammer and maybe a pinch here and there where it doesn't add up because of past evidence. So please, please help a girl out here!
Also, to wrap it all up I need you to take a poll to rate my story. It's 1-5 and you can make any comments (with your edits in the commet box) to support the score. Thanks!
Cookies: a Lovely Treat or a Death Sentence
On the day of Halloween all the little kids were out trick-or-treating, not thinking about what they’re eating. But one trick-or-treater A.K.A the Cookie Monster went looking for cookies but did no know the dangers of what could be in the cookies. After three hours of trick-or-treating he came home to find out that hew was very ill and didn’t feel good at all. That’s when he fell to the ground and the case started.
Ring! Ring
“Gotta go get the phone.” Scooby said as he picked up the phone.
“Something smells delicious.” The detective on the other line said. “We found the Cookie Monster dead in the bathroom. We need you over here now.”
“I’ll be there as fast as I can.” Scooby said hanging up the phone and heading out the door.
“When Scooby arrived there was police cars everywhere and yellow, ‘do not cross’ tape, surrounded the house. When he walked in he saw the Cookie Monster dead in the middle of the living room with a half eaten cookie in his mouth. This was when Scooby-Doo knew he needed to ask around.
He went to all the houses in the town and found that only three houses gave out cookies: Barney, Big Bird and Billy Mayes. Using his only lead, Scooby took all three into questioning.
He took in Barney first.
“We found a cookie in the Cookie Monster’s mouth. Did you kill him?” Scooby asked.
“No,” Barney replied.
“Were you friends with him?” Scooby asked.
“No,” Barney replied.
“Did you have something against him?”
“I would’ve had a best selling movie because he took my part. But now that he’s dead I can finally take my rightful place in that movie.”
“Thank you for your time, you may go.” Scooby said.
Scooby then took Billy Mayes.
“Did you like the Cookie Monster?” Scooby asked.
“Not really, but the Cookie Monster eats so many cookies that some of the crumbs fall onto my deck and rot my deck and then I always have to use my Oxy Clean to clean up and it’s a real pain.” Billy replied.
“Can I have a jar of your amazing Oxy Clean? I’ve got some stains myself.” As Billy Mayes hands him a jar of Oxy Clean Scooby realizes that the powder looked the same as the powder on the cookie the Cookie Monster was eating. He thought that was suspicious.
Next he called back Big Bird.
“How do you feel about the death of the cookie Monster?” Scooby asked.
“I can’t say I’m not glad that he’s dead. Now that he’s dead I will be paid more and I don’t have to watch the Cookie Monster spend all his money on cookies.” Big Bird answered.
After Scooby-Doo interviewed all the suspects one of the cops came up and told him that all three of them had different types of cookies. Barney had been giving out M&M cookies, Billy Mayes was giving out peanut butter cookies, and Big Bird was giving walnut cookies. After further inspection they found that the Cookie Monster had an uneaten walnut cookie in his mouth, and his trick-or-treating basket there was an M&M cookie.
Scooby concluded it couldn’t have been Big Bird’s cookie because it was still uneaten, and Barney’s cookie didn’t have any poison in it. The only cookie left had to be Billy Mayes’ cookie. After testing the stomach contents of the Cookie Monster they found traces of Oxy Clean.
[Poll #1477730]
Thanks again for doing this for me. I really appreciate it.
peace.love.happiness.
- Rosie
Also, to wrap it all up I need you to take a poll to rate my story. It's 1-5 and you can make any comments (with your edits in the commet box) to support the score. Thanks!
Cookies: a Lovely Treat or a Death Sentence
On the day of Halloween all the little kids were out trick-or-treating, not thinking about what they’re eating. But one trick-or-treater A.K.A the Cookie Monster went looking for cookies but did no know the dangers of what could be in the cookies. After three hours of trick-or-treating he came home to find out that hew was very ill and didn’t feel good at all. That’s when he fell to the ground and the case started.
Ring! Ring
“Gotta go get the phone.” Scooby said as he picked up the phone.
“Something smells delicious.” The detective on the other line said. “We found the Cookie Monster dead in the bathroom. We need you over here now.”
“I’ll be there as fast as I can.” Scooby said hanging up the phone and heading out the door.
“When Scooby arrived there was police cars everywhere and yellow, ‘do not cross’ tape, surrounded the house. When he walked in he saw the Cookie Monster dead in the middle of the living room with a half eaten cookie in his mouth. This was when Scooby-Doo knew he needed to ask around.
He went to all the houses in the town and found that only three houses gave out cookies: Barney, Big Bird and Billy Mayes. Using his only lead, Scooby took all three into questioning.
He took in Barney first.
“We found a cookie in the Cookie Monster’s mouth. Did you kill him?” Scooby asked.
“No,” Barney replied.
“Were you friends with him?” Scooby asked.
“No,” Barney replied.
“Did you have something against him?”
“I would’ve had a best selling movie because he took my part. But now that he’s dead I can finally take my rightful place in that movie.”
“Thank you for your time, you may go.” Scooby said.
Scooby then took Billy Mayes.
“Did you like the Cookie Monster?” Scooby asked.
“Not really, but the Cookie Monster eats so many cookies that some of the crumbs fall onto my deck and rot my deck and then I always have to use my Oxy Clean to clean up and it’s a real pain.” Billy replied.
“Can I have a jar of your amazing Oxy Clean? I’ve got some stains myself.” As Billy Mayes hands him a jar of Oxy Clean Scooby realizes that the powder looked the same as the powder on the cookie the Cookie Monster was eating. He thought that was suspicious.
Next he called back Big Bird.
“How do you feel about the death of the cookie Monster?” Scooby asked.
“I can’t say I’m not glad that he’s dead. Now that he’s dead I will be paid more and I don’t have to watch the Cookie Monster spend all his money on cookies.” Big Bird answered.
After Scooby-Doo interviewed all the suspects one of the cops came up and told him that all three of them had different types of cookies. Barney had been giving out M&M cookies, Billy Mayes was giving out peanut butter cookies, and Big Bird was giving walnut cookies. After further inspection they found that the Cookie Monster had an uneaten walnut cookie in his mouth, and his trick-or-treating basket there was an M&M cookie.
Scooby concluded it couldn’t have been Big Bird’s cookie because it was still uneaten, and Barney’s cookie didn’t have any poison in it. The only cookie left had to be Billy Mayes’ cookie. After testing the stomach contents of the Cookie Monster they found traces of Oxy Clean.
[Poll #1477730]
Thanks again for doing this for me. I really appreciate it.
peace.love.happiness.
- Rosie
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no subject
Date: 2009-10-29 04:42 am (UTC)Right, so proof grammar and spelling you said? I'm going to do this as a list so I don't get confused.
But one trick-or-treater A.K.A the Cookie Monster went looking for cookies but did no know the dangers of what could be in the cookies.
-Cut out the AKA and replace with commas before and after "the Cookie Monster"
- "no" should be "not"
- Change the last instance of "cookies" to "them" and avoid repetition
After three hours of trick-or-treating he came home to find out that hew was very ill and didn’t feel good at all.
-Rephrase due to redundancy and legibility: He came home after three hours of trick-or-treating. He realized that he felt very ill.
“Gotta go get the phone.” Scooby said as he picked up the phone.
-Redundancy: Switch out "as he picked up the phone" in favor of something else
“Something smells delicious.” The detective on the other line said.
-Logical error: How does one smell through a phone?
-Possible recurring repetition: Use some speech descriptor other than "said" here and there
“I’ll be there as fast as I can.” Scooby said hanging up the phone and heading out the door.
-Cut "said" out. It is unnecessary in this instance.
“When Scooby arrived...
-Stray quotation mark
This was when Scooby-Doo knew he needed to ask around.
-Strike out "this was when" as redundant.
He took in Barney first.
-"Talked to" would make more sense as we do not as yet know that Scooby is a detective or a private investigator. I'm guessing detective though...
-Repetition: You use the same phrase in the preceding sentence.
-Possible long running repetition in the asked/replied conversation that follows
I would’ve had a best selling movie because he took my part.
-Replace "because" with "except."
-Replace "best selling" with "blockbuster."
Scooby then took Billy Mayes.
-I feel the need to apologize for even bringing this up... But this sentence sounds wrong. On many levels. I have a dirty, twisted mind that requires large applications of brain bleach. Or it might be watching ,i.the History of the World: Part One too many times. I would replace "took" with something else or make the sentence clearer, such as "Scooby took Billy Mayes aside for questioning."
“Not really, but the Cookie Monster eats so many cookies that some of the crumbs fall onto my deck and rot my deck and then I always have to use my Oxy Clean to clean up and it’s a real pain.”
-Run on sentence in the middle of a bunch of shortish ones. It stands out. Recommended replacement: Not really. The Cookie Monster eats so many cookies that the crumbs fall into my deck and rot it. I always have to use my Oxy Clean to clean up. It's a real pain.
As Billy Mayes hands him a jar of Oxy Clean Scooby realizes that the powder looked the same as the powder on the cookie the Cookie Monster was eating.
-Shifts suddenly from past tense to present tense.
-Logic oversight: No such powder is noted in the initial crime scene description.
I can’t say I’m not glad that he’s dead.
-I want to say double negative. Replace "not glad" with "sad" or some other similar word.
Now that he’s dead I will be paid more...
-Missing comma between "dead" and "I"
...and his trick-or-treating basket there was an M&M cookie.
-Missing word: Put "in" between "his" and "trick-or-treating"
The last two paragraphs are ok from a logical and grammatical standpoint as far as I can tell.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-30 01:19 am (UTC)Now the task of convincing my teacher that your a real person...
no subject
Date: 2009-10-29 08:48 am (UTC)"“Gotta go get the phone.” Scooby said as he picked up the phone."
Should be;
"Gotta go get the phone," Scooby said, picking it up."