Critique Greatly Appreciated! Please!

[rosalinda-143.livejournal.com]

So I have this short story that I want to get published and I really need someone to critique it. Leave your critiques on this community please and not in my journal. Thanks in advanced!

Among the Dead Part 1/3

Part 2/3

Part 3/3

Like the title says it'd be greatly appreciated!

peace.love.happiness.

- Rosie

Comments

[alonsoelbueno.livejournal.com]

Dear Rosalinda, the service says, I have no right to access to the site, so I can't help you with my crtique.

[rosalinda-143.livejournal.com]

I'm terribly sorry about that, but I fixed it so if you want you can now look at it. Sorry I totally forgot that I had set it on Friends Only. XD

peace.love.happiness.

- Rosie

[theskimblishone.livejournal.com]

I read the first part (sorry, don't have time to read the rest right at the moment) and while it sounds interesting, it could use a little work if you're seeking to get it published.

You write some of your dialogue like this:

“Sarina, love, it’s nothing. Come back to bed.” He said in a groggy voice.

Speech tags are not separate sentences; they are always separated from the dialogue by a comma, and hence don't require a capital to start. Try this:

“Sarina, love, it’s nothing. Come back to bed,” he said in a groggy voice.

Sentences like this employ a level of repetition that is probably unnecessary:

I bolted upright and looked around the room in confusion. I looked over at Richard.

See, we already know she's looking around - you don't need to mention it twice. You could probably contract that to something like this:

I bolted upright and looked around the room in confusion, and then over at Richard.

This, quite honestly, I found a little confusing:

“Pipes, wind? I highly doubt that. I swear I felt like I was being watched. Something woke me up. I didn’t wake up by myself Richard.” I said frustrated. Richard shrugged paying more attention to the paper than to what I was saying. Rolling my eyes I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch.

The same feeling of being watched overwhelmed and the hairs on my arms stood all the way up. Not daring to breathe I slowly turned around. No one was standing there, or anywhere for that matter. But the same feeling still kept throughout the day.

I was so happy that I could curl up on Richard’s chest and sleep the day off.

Your protag goes from being frustrated at her partner's refusal to listen to her fears, then feeling as though she is being watched, and then so happy she wants to curl up with the partner who didn't listen to her in the first place? I think that could use a little sorting out just for continuity, since as it is - well, it doesn't quite make sense.

Since I didn't read any more, I can't really critique on the story itself, but I hope this helps you a little bit. :)

[mari-mac1109.livejournal.com]

I also only read the first part so far but there's one pretty major flaw I've spotted so far: I don't know what anything looks like. Not the room or the house or Richard or Sarina. It seems all you have so far is story movement (events) but no details that'll give the story texture and round it out. Right now it's very flat.

You've got great plot movement and you're doing a good job making the weird intrusion dramatic, but a lot of story is still missing and needs to get on the page sooner. What does Sarina do every day? How long have Sarina and Richard been together? What are they like as people? What do they want, look forward to, etc.? Aside from what Sarina is obviously afraid of, what else do they worry about? How long have they been living together, been living in that house? What's normal for that house to sound like?

So far, I can't get a good mental image for anything in the story and nothing seems... real, yet. All the characters are still strangers, so I'm not yet invested in them enough to care what happens/keep reading.