Elfie's attempt at fiction

[cikka.livejournal.com]

This is my first real attempt at fiction, and I am therefore very nervous about this. It's a freewrite, and I thought I'd post it. I pretty much gave myself twenty minutes exactly, and et voila, this is the stuff that came out of my head.

Doesn't have a title. Just random.

 

             I am like my father. I know I am like my father because, like him, I have a rude habit of falling asleep in the middle of a boring conversation. I have done this often. 

Take right now, for example. I couldn't care less about this person's incessant need to get out   of -what did he call it?- his "monotonous drone of a life” to find something more meaningful. How old is this guy? 12? You don't get out of the monotonous drone of your life; you simply learn to appreciate it. He's never going to leave his "boring desk job." He'll be too scared, too much of a wimp. He'll complain his entire life, but he will never leave. I never did.

And now, his words are becoming less coherent. His mouth is moving, and there’s noise coming out of his moving mouth, but I can't make sense of it. I know I'm about to fall asleep. I widen my eyes, secretly pinch myself on the arm, because I don't want to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. Again. No matter how boring it is. I simply won't. This chair I'm sitting on is rigid and hard and has no arm rests, which means I can't fall asleep. I won't.

- - -

"Excuse me?"

I think it may be a horse. Or a donkey. I'm not sure.

"Excuse me?" the horse (or maybe donkey) continues. "Are you alright? Do you want some water?"

What a polite horse (or maybe donkey).

"Are you going to carry the water in your mouth?" I ask.

The horse (or maybe the donkey) does not reply for quite some time.

Then he says quietly, "I think you should lie down."

I open my eyes to find neither a horse nor a donkey. Instead, I am staring at the man who was complaining about his "monotonous drone of a life."

Oh no. I must have fallen asleep again. On a chair that is rigid and hard and does not have arm rests.

"I, umm, I'm sorry about this," I manage.

"I, ah, I, ah, you - you just suddenly closed your eyes."

Oh thank God he didn't think I was sleeping.

"I thought you fell asleep-"

"Oh no, of course not!" I say, smiling guiltily, getting off my chair. I better leave.

"Are you sure you don't want to lie down?"

"No, no, no, no thank you. I think I'll be leaving now."

And I rush out, leaving him and his monotonous drone behind me.

"Leaving so soon Marcy?” someone calls out. I don't look back because I don't want to be stopped. I don't want to apologise for leaving a party that I find boring. It’s an ugly party with too much artificial Febreze and too many clinking wine glasses.

- - -

I get out of the house, reach my car and slam the door behind me. I dial my dad's number even though it's late and I know he's sleeping. He picks up on the 11th ring, and groggily answers.

"I fell asleep when someone was telling me about how boring his life was,” I say, “I fell asleep on a chair that didn't even have arm rests and when he tried to wake me up, I thought he was a horse - or maybe it was a donkey, I can't remember - but I fell asleep. Again."

There is a pause that always comes when I call him this late. And then there is abrupt laughter - rough, and true - that always comes after the pauses. It makes me smile and it's all I need to keep me awake for the drive home. 

- - - end.

And that's pretty much it. Pretty random, I know, but I felt like writing, and I kind of liked how it turned out. The first two sentences are very true because I do in fact fall asleep in the middle of boring conversations, and so does my dad.

Comments

[marinegagnonsf.livejournal.com]

I love the voice of the narrator. She's honest, sarcastic, and she seems to have her eyes open to a lot of things. I'm not sure if this was your point, but the narrator's position on "searching for something" seems to be in opposition to what may happen to her. I sense her opinion may change over the course of the story...then again...I may be wrong.

All in all, good show...looking forward to the next!

[cikka.livejournal.com]

I love the narrator as well. When I suddenly heard her voice in my head [figuratively, not literally - I don't have multiple personality disorder], I knew I had to get her down on paper as soon as possible. She's an interesting character, and I can't wait to start writing her again because, honestly speaking,that is the only way I can learn more about her. I'm not sure what will happen to her - she's very contradictory. I think you're exactly right about her: she's cynical and she's living a life she knows means nothing, but she's also searching for something real and genuine, for something like her father. Marcy, I think, is afraid. She's honest, yes, but only to herself,and she has another face she puts up in front of other people. And that, I think, makes her one of the very people she despises.
Oh God, I just realised what a huge reply this is. I'm sorry; I'm sure you weren't expecting something so long. To end, I would like to thank you for commenting on my work, and analysing Marcy so well because, honestly speaking, that helped me understand her better myself. I hope you'll read my other work when I post it up.

[and-say-no-more.livejournal.com]

Few things...
"Monotonous drone of a life"

To me, a drone is a sound, and monotonous in itself. I don't know if I really like the word choice in this instance : / If I were to use that in a piece, I would, in fact, link it to a sound, perhaps likening ways of life with other sounds. Personal opinion.

"I widen my eyes, secretly pinch myself on the arm, because I don't want to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation."

I don't know if it's wrong as it is, but I'd feel much better with an "and" stuck between "my eyes" and "secretly pinch".

I almost think you overuse the "horse (or maybe donkey)" thing. I get the point of it, but I feel the phrase then loses some effectiveness. Maybe if you go back to it once or twice, or in some other way link the person's voice or mannerisms to something the narrator would see as particularly horse or donkey? Personal opinion, again.

I also feel "artificial" is unnecessary in describing Febreeze.

It's cute though, I like it :)

[cikka.livejournal.com]

Now that I think about it, I agree with you on the "Monotonous drone of a life" part. It is a pretty redundant sentence, and a drone, quite obviously is monotonous. And what you said about likening ways of life to sound seems, honestly speaking, very interesting, and I'm most definitely going to try doing that in my fiction.
And about the entire donkey/horse thing, I actually read an amazing short story by J.D. Salinger called This Sandwich Has No Mayonnaise, and through out the text, he kept referring to the same "thirty-three men" and adding "four of whom must go" after every time he mentioned them. When I was reading it, I liked how it sounded, and that's probably the tone I was going for. Quite obviously, I failed. *Blush.* When I was rereading my story after reading your comment, I realised that I could have easily repleced the phrase with a few pronouns, and that would have actally helped me emphasise it more. Thank you for pointing that out.
The artificial Febreeze is, I feel, significant. I hoped to tie it to her father's laugh at the end.

Thank you very much for your feedback. I hope you'll do the same for my other stories as well. :)