New here, and in need of writing feedback.

[iyanaari.livejournal.com]

Hello,

This is a  snippet from a story I'm working on. I need constructive criticism. 
The genera is Fantasy.

Kneeling at the base of the marble Lady of Life, Ruelle Beleus gave thanks. It was her time of meditation, the hour of the day that one reflected upon their life, their purpose, their reason for being, and gave thanks to the Lady of Life for their gifts.

From the moment that she was able to kneel on her own, she meditated. That would make seventeen years of kneeling every day of every week. Without question, she had made each meditation, not even sickness could keep her away. And while she kneeled at the Lady of Life she did exactly as she was supposed to, and gave thanks to the marble Lady for the gifts that she was blessed to be born with.

The Gift of Intellect. The Gift of Spirit. And the Gift of Strength. Ruelle possessed all three gifts, which was a rarity. Most Gifted had only one of the three gifts. Some were born with two of the three. But very few were born with all three. To Ruelle, the trio was a blessing and a curse. At age five, when it became apparent that she had been blessed with all three, she had been taken from her mother and father and sent to live among the Coveted Gifted.

The Coveted were placed in schooling at the High Counsel, where they learned to use their gifts, individually, and as a trio. The school consisted of not only those that had the trio, Gifted with extraordinary use of their one or two gifts were also taken from their families and placed in the school. There, they lived, learned, and meditated.

While meditation was a requirement for those of The Serenity, not everyone was expected to do so. Only the Gifted were, by law, required to meditate for sixty minutes each day. The Counsel people only meditated on special occasions, if at all. Being born without any gifts, the Counsel were not bound to the strict rules that the Gifted were.

The slightest disturbance of air behind her, drew Ruelle from her time of reflection. She kept her eyes closed and her face serene, though she was no longer expunging her thanks to the Lady of Life. Her thoughts had been pulled from meditation and she was now focused on the warmth behind her. Taking a deep, inaudible breath, she scented the air. A smile threatened to curl her lips as the recognizable scent of her brother, Ranaus, drifted into her nostrils. 

Keeping her head slightly bent, Ruelle whispered to him, "Naus, why are you here?"

She felt, more than heard his approach. He silently dropped down beside her. Ruelle lifted one eyelid, cutting a moss green eye in his direction. Her brother, a head taller than she while kneeling, had taken on the meditation pose: his head was bent, eyes closed, hands folded together at his chest in prayer. His disposition, calm. Ruelle shut her eye and waited. Surely there was something to be told if Ranaus had sought her out in the middle of mediation.

"I came to say hello, little sister," Ranaus answered, inserting his words into her mind.  

Ranaus was a trio as well. A very gifted trio, with abilities that Ruelle possessed but was sure she would never learn to use. Somewhere inside of her was the ability to wield her gifts the way Ranaus did his, only she lacked the focus to make it happen.

"Hello, brother. How are you?" Ruelle whispered quietly, breathing the words out and letting them float on the wind to her brother’s ear.

"Well. And you?" His voice pulsed within her mind again.

"I am well." She paused. What more was Ranaus here for? "Naus?"

"You know me to well, Rue," he said out-loud. His deep rolling voice was loud enough to call attention to them.

Rue lifted her head in shock. Realizing her error, she immediately dropped it back down.

"You may take leave of meditation, Rue. I need to speak with you." Ranaus' tone held a lightness that was reassuring. But Ruelle did not mistake the serious lilt of his words.

She let out a sigh, willing her heartbeat to slow. She was always on edge during meditation. Any little slip-up witnessed and she would have another hour tacked on. One hour of kneeling was mundane enough. But at the lightness in her brothers voice, Rue knew that he had permission to interrupt her. And she could not be punished as long as permission was granted.

Lifting her head, Rue looked up at her brother. He stared down at her with bright green eyes that seemed to smile in their intensity. His bronze hued skin glowed with the sunlight. Jet-black hair, streaked with copper tones was cut low to his scull. All of his features combined gave him the appearance of a leopard. It was the mixture of races that gave the people of The Serenity such startling features. Rue had strange looks as well, though she considered her own odd looks not nearly as attractive as other Gifted.

"Why don’t we walk?" Ranaus extended his hand to her. Rue took it and stood as he did.

They began a wordless turn around the courtyard. Since Ranaus wasn’t yet talking, Ruelle took the time to gaze upon the picturesque landscape. Flowers of every pastel imaginable bloomed around them. There was green lawn as far as the eye could see, meeting the horizon and melting into the blue of the sky. Behind them was the sun, it beamed down on her back, warming her though the lightweight synthetic fiber tunic she wore. Her nervous fingers caught the braided belt that looped around her waist. She tugged on the dangling end, waiting for her brother to speak.

Ranaus stopped walking abruptly.

Ruelle backtracked a step. "What is it Naus? In know that something is wrong. Tell me what worries you."

"I worry not for myself."

"Then you worry for me? Why?" By now Ruelle was pleading. Her stomach had become heavy, like a stone had been cast inside her. Whatever it was that Ranaus was to tell her, it wasn’t good, of that she was certain.

"It is father."

Father. Ruelle barely knew the man that made her. After being removed from parents home, she was only allowed to see her parents briefly. On special occasions. It was always disconcerting, spending time with her mother and father. They were strangers to her, and she often itched to be away from them whenever she was allowed time in their presence. But now something had happened to her father and all of those uncomfortable moments meant nothing.

"What has happened?"

"He was ill, Rue. You know that."

"Yes." Ranaus’ use of past tense made her uneasy. She looked straight into her brother’s cat-like eyes. "Has he died?"

Ranaus looked away from her stare and over her shoulder, his gaze fixed on nothing at all. "He has."

Ruelle sucked in a gasp. The back of her eyes stung painfully. The stab of tears began to well. Her reaction was unexpected. She did not know her father, yet she hurt for him. She couldn’t recall a time where she had felt any strong emotion towards him, yet she cried despite that. She pressed her lids shut, trying to push back the hot flow of tears.

Ranaus stepped closer and opened his arms.

"No," she protested, moving out of his reach. She shook her head and realized how loose her body felt. Her knees could buckle at any moment, that’s how little control she had. Instead of falling, Ruelle let her body slump to the ground. She sunk to her knees and dug her fingers into sharp blades of grass, grasping the earth to steady herself.

The sun seemed to become hotter. Blazing above her, showering her in fire. Her skin felt tight ,and even the light tunic she wore felt restraining. She took quick, heaving breaths, attempting to suck in the air she was deprived of. It only proved to make her dizzy. Thoughts raced through her mind: questions about why she was reacting so violently to this news. Questions about her frame of mind. She began to chant a meditation sequence used for calming a wayward spirit. Not even that helped. Unable to use her gifts to her advantage, she looked up to her brother with pleading eyes.

The help she had just refused, she now needed.

 

Comments

[ruisswolf.livejournal.com]

First, the five paragraphs of exposition in the beginning slow everything down. The opening does not catch and hold the readers attention, which is sad because the story has great potential. Try tightening the paragraphs or moving some of the info elsewhere.
Example: [Rue lifted her head in shock. Realizing her error, she immediately dropped it back down.] This would be a better place to talk about some of the rules of mediation and the exceptions to those rules.

Second, I love Ruelle. Even in her obdience she has a rebellious spirit. She has a true affection for her brother, which could be expounded upon. In the end, when Ruelle grieves for her father, even though he is a stranger to her, it reveals the compassion and love she has for her father. She becomes a child seeking the father denied her.


the sentences need to be tightened and the redundencies removed. They slow the sence down. And when restated differently, its hard for the reader not to think the writer thinks they are not paying attetion or that they are stupid.
Example: [(1)Father. (2)Ruelle barely knew the man that made her. (3)After being removed from parents home, she was only allowed to see her parents briefly. (4)On special occasions. (5)It was always disconcerting, spending time with her mother and father. (6)They were strangers to her, and she often itched to be away from them whenever she was allowed time in their presence. (7)But now something had happened to her father and all of those uncomfortable moments meant nothing.]
The second sentences tells me that she is a stranger to her father so the first part of the sixth sentence is redunant because the third sentence includes her mother into the mix. Since the mother is now involved, the end of the fifth sentence can be "them". I would combine sentences 3 and 4 by removing briefly.

[iyanaari.livejournal.com]

Ruisswolf, thank you for the critique. I will definitely work on reworking the beginning paragraphs. After reading your comment about it, I realize that I info-dumped. Spreading the information throughout the story would be better.

I will also work on tightening my sentences. I have a tendency to reiterate to add emphasis. But I can see where that may come off as over-explaining to the reader.

Thanks again for the critique.

IA