(no subject)

[bebe1990.livejournal.com]

okay, so my link didnt seem to be working for my last post so here it is again, if it doesnt work, just copy and paste it.

The Raven: Chapter 1

http://novelidea.blog.co.uk/2008/08/17/first-story-post-the-raven-4599727

Comments

Just a snippit...

[k-stevens.livejournal.com]

Afternoon, bebe!

I'm only going to review a snippit of what you posted because... well, because people sometimes say my reviews are a little harsh... and I don't want to review the whole first chapter and then have you hate me forever :D If you want me to continue and review the whole thing, just let me know.

--

First off, your grammar was like nails on a chalkboard to me. Some of your sentences were complete run ons. I understand this narrator is supposed to be going insane, but that is no excuse for rambling sentences.

I'm only fixing the Prologue... and so I'll type out the whole thing as I edited it. You don't have to take these changes to heart.

"

I wrote my name in the condensation on the window. It made me laugh to think that something so clear to me could be so confusing to someone on the other side of the glass.

Am I crazy? They tell me I am. They say I'm a monster, but how do they know I had control over myself? I haven't told them anything about it, but I can remember everything.

These pills they have me on, they don't make it easy. I sometimes forget what's here and what isn't; it's hard to move, hard to talk, and hard to concentrate.

I never feared Hell until I was brought here.

Every morning I can count on either being woken up by the skinny, gray-haired nurse, or by the screams of another 'patient'. They call us patients, but it's more like we're in prison. When the patients scream, the doctors will come running and then the screaming will stop just as quick as it started. That always scared me the most.

I shouldn't be here.

I'm not crazy, I'm just unwell. Unwell will all the thoughts that stop me from sleeping at night. There are some moments when all sadness, all anger, all disappointments, and all hopes end. I hoped I was the last of all the things I had sought to destroy for such a long time. They plagued my mind without a sign of mercy for which I begged. I wished for it to stop, but they wouldn't stop.

It never stopped.

I get to meet the man who determines my mental state every week.

They say I'm crazy, but they don't understand.

Sometimes I think I imagined it all.

Maybe I am crazy.

I don't want to give up just yet, however. I want it all back.

"

So. I cleaned up a lot of sentences and added a little more where I could. There was once sentence that was very run on in the middle... in your original it states: "The moments when all sadness, all anger, all disappointments and all hopes created the end that I hoped was the last one of all the things that I had sought to destroy for such a long time, as they plagued my mind with not even a sign of mercy for which I begged at times when I wished for it to just stop." I have NO idea what that sentence is supposed to be about... so I reworded it the best I could.

All in all I have this to say: if a well-read writer cannot discern the meaning of your work, no average reader is going to be able to. There are a lot of times in your work that I had to remind myself that there was supposed to be another word there... usually 'the', 'then', 'of', 'from', ect.. You should also pick either a past tone or a present tone and stick with it. Combining the two (such as 'I could count on being woken up... as soon as the doctors knew of the situation, they'd rush... and the screaming would stop...') makes reading a little difficult as you aren't sure if we are talking of the here and now, or of something that's already happened.

Once again: I know my critiques can be a little wordy, and sometimes people don't like me editing their work. If you'd like me to go through and help you with the rest, please let me know!

As a closing: I'd comment on the story, but you can't discern where things are going from just the first chapter.

Good luck with your writing!

Kristen