(no subject)

[lil-eee.livejournal.com]

i need to write something for school.
something to impress the teacher
i had this great idea.
it's this kid, he's at his first concert. and everything is moving around him, while he just stands there and observes it all. But I don't know how to write it.
i got tired of it. and gave up.
i wrote one paragraph. and now i have nothing else.
any help?
or any other ideas for a short story?

He eases his way throught the small crowd. Slender finges wrapping around the grimy bar. The lights dim, the crowd roaring in his eardrums. The band jumps onstage, launching into their first melody. He knows this song by heart, from every sweeet lyric that pours from the singers mouth, to the notes the guitarists fingers are pounding out. He's mouthing the words, eyes locked on the singer.

Comments

[j-house-addict.livejournal.com]

It's sweet so far. I know the feeling you are expressing and I think you might be able to do a better job, if you get more descriptive, like what's the crowd look like around him? What's the weather like? How is the stage set, etc. I'm not sure if that helps but your idea is good.

[nae-k.livejournal.com]

I concur with j_house_addict. I also thought I'd help out by making a few corrections with grammar. The corrections are in brackets ().

He eases his way throught('through'; there's no 't' on the end) the small crowd. Slender finges (fingers?) wrapping around the grimy bar. The lights dim, the crowd roaring in his eardrums. The band jumps on (space) stage, launching into their first melody. He knows this song by heart, from every sweeet (sweet; remove one 'e') lyric that pours from the singer(')s mouth, to the notes the guitarist(')s fingers are pounding out. He's mouthing the words, eyes locked on the singer.

You've got something here; keep working on it and I'm sure you'll soon have something quite good.

[lil-eee.livejournal.com]

lol sorry for typos. i have it all written in my notebook the correct way.
but thanks for the help.

[musicfly.livejournal.com]

honestly write it from your first concert. think back to the first time you saw a band live, and the way it felt to not only hear the band but feel them. talk about how the crowd reacted to the music and how you felt connected to total strangers.

if you write something from your life then it makes it easier to write it and makes it a lot better.

good luck

[lunar-lance.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you could rewrite that last sentence a bit better then you have.
He's mouthing the words, eyes locked on the singer.
You could probably rewrite it as so;
His attention locked onto the singer, as his mouth matched his, word for word, in perfect harmony.
Just a suggestion, sometimes I find myself rewriting my own sentences whenever I run into a writers block, it helps loosen the story up a bit and creates a better environment to continue. And don't continue reading this but, can't help myself but continue from where I left off there.
The boy found himself caught in the beat of the drums, the sound of the guitarist's hand swiping the strings, each note, each sound coursing through his veins, enthralling him in the song.