Random Writing

[essentialsanity.livejournal.com]

 Hello! Today I got distracted from what I was supposed to be doing, and ended up writing this. It is in a tone, and featuring a subject, which could very well crop up in a larger piece of writing I might put together later. Anyways, tell me what you think. Comments and criticism welcome.

 

Tilting the small cup back, Felicity welcomed the fiery drink into her mouth, swallowing it quickly. She did not allow herself to linger over the taste, unpleasant as it was. A warm, trickling sensation shot through her body, the burn of alcohol dancing upon her tongue.

            “Give me something to chase that with,” Felicity choked, grimacing in spite of herself. Katie passed her a cup of hot chocolate, her wrist twisting haphazardly under the weight. It was a jumbo cup of cocoa that they had decided to make tonight, their only known cure for the nasty tang of whisky. Felicity reached out for the cup, her hands floundering desperately. Finally, she raised the warm mug to her petite lips, caressing the sweet flavor, allowing it to fully cloak the sting that lingered at the back of her throat.

            “Shthere you go!” Katie slurred, a careless giggle slipping through her calm exterior. Every bone in her body seemed to be relaxing. Felicity smiled to herself as she, too, began to feel the promising sensation. She sighed, leaning back against the edge of the bed, feeling the whole world begin to tilt on its axis. It was okay.

            “Another shot.”
 

 

Comments

[beautifvl-flaw.livejournal.com]

First thought: I like it.

It makes me really wonder why Felicity seemed to be in search of that drunken feeling. It seems like she was trying to forget something, and I'm itching to know what that might be. Particularly with 'It was okay', it seems like she's trying to convince herself of that fact, and find some semblance of calm, or some joy, and I really like the effect you created with it.

I can't put my finger on exactly why (which I know probably isn't that helpful), but I really like the line, 'A warm, trickling sensation shot through her body, the burn of alcohol dancing upon her tongue.' I think the description is really effective and the sentence just struck me as a beautiful one.

Also, might be just me, but the line 'Finally, she raised the warm mug to her petite lips, caressing the sweet flavor, allowing it to fully cloak the sting that lingered at the back of her throat.' has a lot of description in. Which is absolutely fine, but something to watch out for so that you don't end up with too many highly descriptive sentences. I do this myself - put in a lot of description - but from what I've read of other, more experienced writers than myself, it's something to keep in mind as it can take a reader out of the story rather than pull them in if it's not in moderation. That's more relevant to longer stories than this though, really.

[essentialsanity.livejournal.com]

I was having trouble deciding exactly how much descriptive detail to put in this, after all, it is a short piece of writing. Now that I have re-read the particular sentence you pointed out, I feel like editing it. Taking out one of the adjectives, probably "petite". Not my favorite.

Thanks so much for your comments. =)

[el-spiritous.livejournal.com]

having read this, I agree and petite is the exact word I would have taken out also. I especially like "allowing it to fully cloak the sting that lingered at the back of her throat" Nice line.

[wilygriffin.livejournal.com]

I get the feeling that these gals are a bit young- maybe underage? Interesting that they chose not to put the shots of whiskey *in* the cocoa. Why is that?

Seconded about the "petite" revision, with regards to lips.

[essentialsanity.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, they are young. Glad that came across. =)

Featured on Blog

[artinyourworld.livejournal.com]

Hey,

I just wanted to mention that I chose to feature your work on my blog, Art In Your World (http://artinyourworld.blogspot.com). Feel free to comment, or add anything, etc.

Anshul J